Happiness: Who’s in the Driver’s Seat?

John Falchetto Great distinction between happiness and pleasure John. No fair using my cross country as an example because you're right! You can be exhausted and in pain and still happy. I never thought about it before. I guess it's because your emotional state is good as you fall over the finish line having given the race everything you had. Contrast that with physical illness which is more often accompanied by stress and anxiety - not such a happy state there.

What do you think contributes to a stable state of happiness John? Is it something you're born with or a personality trait? Something else? What makes John Falchetto a happy man?

John Falchetto

I love both examples. In my earlier post, I equated happiness to telling better life stories and cited a book by Daniel Miller. Your car example is exactly what Miller uses to illustrate a bad story:

"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers. You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on and think about the story you'd seen. The truth is, you wouldn't remember that movie a week later, except you'd feel robbed and want your money back. Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo."

To your point, pleasure has a beginning and an end. What lasts, I hope, is the happiness you experience while overcoming obstacles during the journey and the unbelievable feeling of accomplishment after. Applicable to the runner who finishes a marathon, but not so much for the guy who buys the Volvo.

joebertino John Falchetto LOL, no I don't think I would cry at a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo Joe! I think I would cry at a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo for years and drove off the lot and had an accident! That's not the point, though, is it? :o

So you're saying that the happiness comes from overcoming obstacles!?!? That means we need to relish the obstacles. Yikes - that's not easy to do because when you're in them you are in the middle of uncertainty - will I make it, will I win? The only feeling of happiness then would come at the end - and you could spread that feeling like a blanket back over the obstacle-time and see it in a different way.

I think we're talking about awareness and knowing. With awareness that "this too shall pass" or optimism, a knowing that you're going to succeed, you can have the happiness earlier in the race to achieve the thing you believe will give it to you. Does that make sense?

Lori John Falchetto While it's hard to imagine embracing obstacles, you must admit, overcoming hurdles to fulfill a desire is a much more satisfying feeling than simply fulfilling desire. I think you're right about "awareness and knowing" which, I think, translates into determination. Life is hard, but we can decide early on that some payoffs are worth the hardships. On the flip side, the payoffs may never come, and we may never be truly happy, but at least we'll have tried our very best to tell the most meaningful stories we can. Do this make sense? Ha.

joebertino It's all good on paper LOL! OK, and on a blog, but seriously, I know what you mean Joe. I like the "meaningful stories" part. And your condensing what I said into a beautiful word: Determination. THAT'S what we admire in ourselves when we look back. That's what makes us the hero in our stories!

Jani Hautamäki Hi Jani, Seems the "problem" we both have is just human nature, I think! My mother always quoted her father as saying "Human beings are never satisfied - they get an ice-cream cone and then they want something else!" - well we were very young and the ice-cream cone was the example she used to illustrate!

But it's true, isn't it? We're always reaching for more. I wonder if you, like me, are a person who thrives on change. Your description ranging from satisfied to bored seems to verify that. They say some people are happy to stay in one job for their whole life and others (like me) don't last that long in one. But I may be digressing.

You believe that belonging give one staying power? Have you read The Different Drum by Scott Peck? You're GOT to read that - it's all about community and defines it in such a way that you'll never bandy around the word again. I like this: "To belong In something, to be in touch with something greater (like having faith in God or so) can make the feeling of happiness a long-term deal" I'm going to have to give that some thought. I'm all into community-building and recognize a continual need we all have for that feeling of belonging that true community gives, but I never thought of it as a means to happiness.

Will definitely try the lying on the grass suggestion!! (as soon as this eternal rain stops!) It sounds intriguing! It's really speaking to me as I do believe in connecting with the earth's energy. Thanks for that Jani!

Lori Hi there. It is the core dilemma of human nature. But why do we reach for more? Is it our ego working its way? Belonging gives staying power only if you trust your life and so build a firm basis for yourself. What I've noticed is that those people, who keep it their life as simple as possible are usually happier than those who have passion for multiple things. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, which keeps me on the move constantly. I am a creative personality who is interested from A-Z and as I see it, the rapid movement creates more obstacles on the way to happiness.
I googled the Different Drum and found it in the local library, so I'll probably have in few weeks. Thanks for the tip Lori :)

What your mom said back in the day, really makes sense. We are never satisfied. Very strange. It is also dependant on the culture too, the western societies never have time to drop out from the rat race..even on holidays we tend to think "I've got t update my status or the business suffers..". Well, guess that was a bit over board but you know what I mean:)

Sorry about the typos..I just took a nap:D

Jani Hautamäki What typos? (time for my nap LOL)

You're right about our inability to stop. It's become glaringly clear to me since I entered the blogosphere and got involved with social media! I'm having to set rules for myself - when to shut down my Reader and Hootsuite, when to shut down the COMPUTER! In July we're going on vacation and whatever the outcome, I'm going to be completely off the grid for at least ten days!

Leading a simple life makes so much sense! When we are away we DO that for all the glorious time. It's so rejuvenating! But then we'll come back. The key, then, is to simplify THIS life, and not just the vacation I take from it! Challenge accepted!

(I'm already working on it anyway!)

Let me know what you think of The Drum! Reading it was life-changing for me.

TheJackB Hey Jack, don't keep your mouth shut. This is a place where all opinions are welcome, even if they DO differ from mine ;-) But in this case, I agree with you. How can anyone tell us what God's will for us is? Who has that direct line? If anyone does, I'd like to think it's me having it for me and you for you. In other words, what we want is what we want. As I said to skywardjason I don't believe God needs to have control of our actions or desires, or of what makes us happy. It isn't that I see God as small, but on the contrary, I see the creator as much larger than that - read "draw a bigger circle".

How do you flesh out this idea as a father; the godhead of your family? As a parent you want your kids to be happy, but you can't control that. Especially when they reach a certain age you have to let them go and live their lives as they see fit. Do you think it's a little like that, in this non-universal perspective of God?

Lori My children attend a Jewish Day School so they receive a secular and religious education. I know what I believe and they have been and continue to be exposed to it. But I want them to make their own decisions about these things. Since they are still relatively young I don't expect them to get real deep or to really pick/choose now and I am good with that. I know that at 42 I can say that I have gone through enough to have made decisions that I am comfortable with. Eventually they will too. skywardjason

Lori TheJackB skywardjason

I agree Lori - Thank you @TheJackB. for being comfortable enough to post - even if you thought you were not in the majority. THAT is how we entice intelligent conversation - with others who may/may not agree with us...

however - I do agree with Lori - especially about the God thing... I believe that God is so powerful/ & comfortable with His creation, that he allows us to be free minded...and he trusts us to make our decisions. Do we sometimes disappoint Him ? yes - I'm sure - but I think a lot of the disappointment may come from the realization that sometimes what we 'think' we want isn't really what we want - as we can only see our own view (the one with blinders on)!

Stuart Mills No apology necessary. I'd like to respond to your comment paragraph by paragraph so I don't miss any of the thoughts I had while reading it!

1/ happiness depends upon perspective so it therefore can't be anywhere but inside us, right? We decide what makes us happy.

2/ You say the universe is responding to our thoughts and feelings. When you say the "universe" - do you mean God the creator? Law of attraction - check! What is the power behind it? (hmm, believe it or not, this discussion may be picked up on Thursday's post!)

3/ You say: "I think happiness is defined by what we can do for others, not on how often we can satisfy ourselves," So unless something is done for someone else it doesn't qualify as happiness? If that's the case and we're doing things to attend to other peoples happiness, what happens when no one is attending to ours? Are we still happy? Or does that matter because we find our happiness in attending to others? I don't think I'm with you on this one. Yes, it feels good to do things for others and to make them happy, but it also feels good to take a hot bath and read a book, or go for a walk alone - also happiness generating for me!

4/ In distinguishing between meaningful and trivial desires, are you classifying different things on a happiness meter? The baby bringing you joy, whether or not you want to protect him, sounds like happiness to me! On DeMello's videos he talks about Soul feelings and World feelings. Check out his stuff on YouTube. The videos I love are the "Wake Up - Spirituality For Today" series. There are three segments.

Who would have thought happiness could be so complicated. Do you think if we asked a child what happiness is if it would be simpler?

Lori It's amazing how much we can talk about this kind of stuff isn't it? I read your reply, and then looked back at my own comment, and already I'm picking up new thoughts!

One thing I will add, when I say "the universe", I mean the overseeing force/God/the Source/whatever you want to call it. I don't go by labels, rather I'd call it that 'being' that we all feel inside us and know its real :-)

Lori Stuart Mills

I think children see/live a much simpler version of happiness...and it's VERY self-centered...maybe @UnlockTheDoor. is right...

Stuart Mills

ABSOLUTELY - I think what you are saying about the secret is that you can't sit around and just 'think' and things will happen. Is that right? I agree - - though thinking will help - as it will / should motivate your desires in that forward motion...if you are wanting a new job, you must look at the want ads. :D The interviewer isn't going to randomly call your number so to speak.

I agree - happiness is NOT just a selfish act...or at least it shouldn't be (after just watching the Blood Diamond movie - I guess there are people in the world who are only after their own happiness at any cost)....

You make a great point about fulfilment of desires...when I read the original post/quote - I immediately interpreted it as 'material' objects. but reading what you've said - I definitely agree!

StaceyMJHughes Thanks for the kind words Stacey, I'm very flattered!

You've understood what I was saying very well. You can't sit around and think your way to your dreams, the best thought in the world will get you ZERO results without action ;-)

Thanks again for enriching the discussion :-)

martinsaysjump The way you put it Martin is cyclical! Yes, I always thought things made me happy. But do you notice that when you're happy, good things seem to happen. No one ever seems to cut you off in traffic unless you're in "that" mood, but when you're happy strangers smile at you in the grocery store from three aisles over! Good things happen on happy days which makes me think we could be in the drivers seat somehow - start by being happy.

It's simple but it's not easy, unless you have a happy-go-lucky nature. ( I have the nature of a poet, even though my poetry is not that good lol)

Saturday night confusion for sure! I'm going to watch my sit com and have a cup of tea! if you figure anything out, let us know!

Lori martinsaysjump

I think you're right Lori - it really CAN be and IS that SIMPLE!

We choose as free will human beings whether to be happy or not - to allow yet another WEEK of rainy weather to make us mopey and whiny...or to realize that it's rainy so we can 'pack' and get ready for the move - because if it were sunny , we'd procrastinate, causing our cortisone levels to rise and feel stress :D hehe (okay - perhaps that is just for ME )... hehe - but you get my point , right?

JimK Well said. I especially like your last sentence, about being in the driver's seat. I think one of the problems with happiness is that we expect it to come to us instead of proactively searching for it.

JimK I like the shared Double-Double! Friendships can certainly balance out the dips in the happiness scale.

You make an interesting point Jim. People have mentioned gratitude but you present it as a sort of retrospective activity. Do you think if enough days pass where you count your blessings at sunset and FIND many you will eventually remember that you ARE happy. I agree that your general emotional default is dependant upon the way you were raised, until you manage to change that default. Changing the default can be a lot of work but I guess that's where the need comes in - to get in the driver's seat and realize you are the one in control - not your childhood.

"I am in control of my happy state." I like that! Happy Saturday Jim!

skywardjason Jason, wow. I want to address your points by number so I don't miss anything.

1) getting into the gap and pausing enough to choose our response - check! This isn't as easy as it sounds, though, or we'd all be driving our beautiful Cadillacs, so to speak. Usually we don't even see the gap - we just plough right through to response. Its automatic. We even drive our cars that way sometime, on autopilot! What makes one remember to pause? Any ideas?

2) No secret huh? I think we may have to agree to disagree. If we align our wants and desires with God's wants and desires for us, what happens when we don't know what the plan is? Personally, I think God cuts us more slack than that - that the creator gave us free reign to create as He does, and that He doesn't have an agenda for us. This is not to say there is no agenda. But just saying, I don't believe God needs such a tight hold on the reigns as we've been taught to believe. Just my thoughts. If I haven't lost you with this opinion, come back next Thursday - and bring a couple pairs of boxing gloves. We may need them!

I'm not dissing the value and importance of a strong relationship with God, but I think we see God differently (and I thought admitting to not being a hugger was hard! Maybe no one is reading :o ) I'm with you on the choice factor, as Sibyl said. There are causes to what we see as happiness, perhaps only because we haven't yet learned how to clear away the debris which blots out our happiness.

And yeah, money makes me happy too ;-)

Lori

Lori skywardjason I have to quickly jump in here because I think it's a kind of a mix of both... I think "The Secret" is no secret at all. It's simply taking a small part of the bible and making it new. It's just Matthew 7:7 wrapped differently and it says: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." If we ask, seek and knock with love and an understanding that God has the ultimate last decision then they will be given (found and opened).

On the note of not knowing what the plan is, of course we can't know God's plan, but I think he asks us to give our lives to him in a way that says "I do not know your plan, but help me to see and follow the path you have set for me so I can fulfill my purpose in this world." I think that the times I have set my mind on living for God have been the most fulfilling and Happy times in my life, when I turn away or focus on something else I feel lost and often end up on paths I don't wish to be on. I don't see it as God having a tight hold, but rather that his plan is better than one I could ever dream for myself.

I could go on, but I know there will be a great new post tomorrow that I will want to dive into. Just thought I would pop in here since I missed out this week. ;) xo

MelanieAThomp Now why didn't I follow my intuition when I was Tweeting skywardjason and wanted to say "good discussion - you bet - and Melanie will be a part of it for sure!? Glad you jumped in here Melanie! Yeah, the "secret" was in the bible and Dr Joseph Murphy and many other wise souls recognized that long ago as Rhonda Byrne said. I think we see if differently, big blue genie or not, (however you want to depict it) I think ultimately Gods will for us is our will. Just my version of this. I'm sure we'll be discussing this more later!

MelanieAThomp Lori skywardjason

I agree Melanie - - God DOES have a 'grand scheme' plan - but I don't believe it's figured out down to the minute details. God wants us to do it ourselves...live in His love, light and passion...

You are right - there are times (always) that His plan is WAY better than ours - - but I feel we are given His permission of our free will.

However - ever hear the adage 'Careful what you wish for'...WELLL - that has happened to me - we don't always really KNOW what we want! haha...

Lori skywardjason Sibyl

I agree that we have different views of God (as I'm sure we all do - even those in our own houses)...and I agree with Lori.

I don't see God as a chessplayer who is waiting for his pawns to make their 'proper' move. He choose to give us free will...and He guides us with the proper way to use that free will.

I guess that is why the 'money doesn't buy happiness' is VERY true - there are many people out there who have earned their 'money' through unscrupulous ways and in reality - they aren't happy...however I've met lots of what society would deem as 'poor' people who can afford their food & home and are VERY happy in their familie!

Lori Sibyl The "Gap" is a whole other REALLY cool discussion we need to have sometime Lori:)

skywardjason Sibyl You're on Jason!

Lori MelanieAThomp StaceyMJHughes

Ok, it's really important to me that you understand that I don't feel that God is controlling or manipulative. I certainly do not subscribe to that hardline belief system of a God 'up there' shaking His finger at us when He doesn't approve of every little decision. Frankly, I really don't think He care's about many of our decisions; from the perspective of right or wrong anyway. He care's about our intentions and our trajectory. As long as we are progressing and increasing in Love I think that's all He really cares about. But I think we all do that in our own unique way using the talents and abilities He created us with....that was the point I was trying to make about aligning our wills with HIs. Sure that's tough, but all He wants us to do is try! Sorry if I misrepresented myself:)

There's clearly a paradox that exists between the notion "our divine destiny" and our free will. I believe in them both 100%, I just can't explain it:)

skywardjason MelanieAThomp StaceyMJHughes Understood Jason. I didn't think you thought God was controlling or manipulative. Maybe I overstated my response :o

Do you think the way God responds to us is somewhat the way we respond to our children. We may think we know best what's best for them, but we can't control everything for them. So we hope we've set them on the right trajectory, to use your word, but we can't control things beyond that.

I just don't believe He has an agenda for us. We're going to slice and dice this issue with Thursday's post which I'm now wishing I'd put out on Monday! LOL Seems the comments here are foreshadowing the discussion we'll have there and then!

So what are you saying Jason? That we won't need boxing gloves!?!? :o

Lori MelanieAThomp

You're funny Lori! The Gloves aren't my style. They called me teddy bear in school:)....but bears can be provoked. LOL. Lets' not steal any more of your thunder for Thursday.

Dang you got your stuff all planned out, I still need to figure out what I'm posting tomorrow! Too many ideas actually.

skywardjason MelanieAThomp Thanks Teddy Bear! Too many ideas! - that's a problem!?!? Yeah, I know. I have posts planned to the end of June. I may insert something in the mix or remove something, but I can't/don't want to have the pressure of composing one in too short a time. I don't know how anyone does that! Do YOU do that!?!?

Lori MelanieAThomp I do it every time:) I always have 6-12 post brewing and just go with the one that I'm feeling at that moment. Unless something really cool happens, then I just write about that. It's pretty safe to say I'm not a planner huh?

skywardjason

WOW - what a detailed & great reply. Stephen Covey's 7 habits has certainly been around for eons - and works! The best is 'sharpening the saw'...taking care of yourself!!

wow - I may have to re-watch the secret - as I had assumed from my memory of it - that it was more in line with your second paragraph (aligning your will with God's)...but I'm sure it didn't specifically say that...I guess I made assumptions as a Christian.

I agree with you - it makes sense if we have the same 'goals' as God would like to see us, that we would be happy with the results, but I don't think this is the ONLY way we can be happy. Otherwise it would be like a 'reward' from God if we do what He wants ... there are many things that He wants us to do which are His will....but I don't believe EVERYthing.

StaceyMJHughes You're pretty sharp Stacey, I should have known you were a Hughes;)

Sibyl Hi Sibyl! What you wrote reminds me of the Desiderata. Getting to that knowing that all is well is the challenge then. Getting to happy! How do you access that place inside yourself?

joebertino Hey Joe! I like your perspective on happiness. It make me think of Byron Katie's "work", where she says all UN-happiness stems from believing your story! What you suggest seems opposite to that - the idea that you can write your story in such a way as to make you happy. I think this is an area in which writers and poets have an advantage (bloggers too!) We see stories in everything in life! At least I do!

So are you saying that if you see your life as a story, you won't be easily discouraged because you know heros face and overcome obstacles. You remind yourself of your passion and stay the course?

I'll check out that book, thanks, but please first - what kind of story, for instance, are you telling about your life today?

Lori I think it is important to view life as a series of small stories, not just one big one. For example one of my stories is to work more with my hands. I spend a lot of my time in the digital world, which is great and I love it, but sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough to create things in the physical world. Last fall I spent a few mondays learning how to bake bread, this summer I'm taking a welding class and I hope I can continue to explore down the road. This quest makes me happy, so anytime I can make things with my hands I feel like I win.

I'll definitely check out Byron Katie's work, thanks for the reco. Here is a presentation by Paul Isakson that explains Daniel Miller's work better than I can. (http://slidesha.re/jeB0dt)

bdorman264

NO surprise - and I love that I read you right! hehe - - HAPPY BILLSTER :D

StaceyMJHughes AND a hugger.........