Guest Author today, Bill Dorman, The Invisible Blogger! If you’ve been around Life, for instance for any length of time, you already know Bill as he is always actively engaged in the conversation here. Bill is an insurance broker by profession who also enjoys networking and adding value to his relationships. I think it’s fitting that Bill’s topic is friendship!
As we experience this incredible journey called life, how do you determine which friends make it into your circle? Once in, what do you do to keep them there?
Are you a hunter or a farmer?
There is a difference between the two. Are you out there bouncing around hoping to ‘bag’ as many friends as you can? More is better, right? I’m sure you can never have too many. Do you prefer superficial so you don’t have to expend a lot of energy?
Or, do you value your relationships and take time to nurture them? Can your view of relationships be described like farming where it is rooted in a rich soil consisting of a blend of mutual trust, respect and shared values?
Acquaintances are a dime a dozen, but a true friend is priceless.
How big is your heart?
You are likable, your Outlook is full of names, but who are your ‘true’ friends?
Did you know out of 100 people you know, only 16 will consider you a close friend; they really like you. These are the ones that will be there if you need them, call or reach out to you on your birthday and can get you on the phone anytime.
You might think this is a pretty small number out of 100, but put it to the test. The reality is you might find that number much smaller.
Do you really feel however, your heart is only so big and you can only let so many people in? You still have family to include too, right?
You sure are heavy
What kinds of friends do you have; high maintenance or low maintenance? Do you feel totally exhausted after an encounter or enriched? What would your friends say after a conversation with you? Do you bring value?
Maintaining a relationship takes work (sounds like marriage, huh). Neither party wants to feel like they are doing all the heavy lifting. For it to be a healthy relationship there has to be a certain amount of give and take and the willingness to reach out and communicate. With the proliferation of social media it should certainly be easier now than ever.
Now, that is a true friend
I’m going to give full credit to Dino Dogan on this one, but I thought it was classic, appropriate and my kind of humor. Who are your real friends; ‘well, I probably have 10 that will help me move furniture, but only 2 that will help me move a body’. That kind of puts it in perspective, huh?
How about you
Are you a farmer or a hunter? Is it worth the effort to be a ‘true’ friend?
photo credit: Tambak the Jaguar
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Thanks for this great post I really like all of your posts so far. I'm looking forward to your next post.
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wow. that is all.
@Ameena Falchetto Hey you, as you can see it got crazy; thanks for stopping by. I think there is one glass of wine left............:)
@Ameena Falchetto Hi Ameena! Welcome to Life, for instance! Yep - only 375 comments on Bill's post. It's too bad he has no idea how to engage people! ;-)
I'm glad he brought you over! It's nice to meet you!
Latest blog post: How Important are First Impressions to You?
Wow, some incredible comments here.. think I gave up scanning at 200. Lots of interesting discussion on friendships, relationships, how people interact online and at what point does that foster a true friendship, never mind defining what that may be. And glad there were plenty of jokes too.. not sure about moving a body (as always, it'd depend), but a ride to the airport would be just fine. FWIW.
@3HatsComm Hey Ms D, I was almost afraid to show back up over here. Talk about friends, Lori was looking for someone to clean up the place and I think I have a hair appointment.
There are many levels and layers to friendships and also different dynamics; work friends, party friends, gym friends, etc. I think the gist of my story is do you like taking the time to let friendships develop or are you ok w/ surface level friends that are very interchangeable?
The post that would never end..............I'm glad I didn't put to be notified of replies.........:)
@3HatsComm I'm more comfortable with the ride to the airport than the body-moving too! LOL
It is an interesting discussion. It seems everyone defines friendship in his or her own way. Are you a farmer or a hunter Davina? :-)
Latest blog post: How Important are First Impressions to You?
@Lori Farmer, I takes me more time to meet people, get comfortable around them and be ok w/ them getting to know me.
@lifeforinstance Hi Lori! Nice to meet you, too! I will stop by again to reply to your reply;) Just ran out of time today.
Ok, I guess my showing up now is too late to say that I'm "fashionably late", huh? We've gotten into some pretty deep stuff here! I'm just going to say that I'm a farmer and I pride myself on that. I'm not saying "he who dies with the most friends wins." I truly enjoy cultivating relationships. People ask me all the time how I can actively keep so many friends. For example, I have close friends from high school, college, my first job, an organization I volunteered for, current neighbors and neighbors I don't live near anymore. I am willing to bet that many of these people would come when I needed them. How do I do it? It's the little things. People love to know you're thinking of them. I'll call a friend and say, "Hey, I know you had your final grad exam. How'd it go?" I'll send a card just to let someone know I'm thinking of them. Yup, "farming" is how I roll:)
@aliciamjay Hey Alicia, this did get a little crazy. If you put Lori and I together on one post there will definitely be some commenting back and forth.
This was fun and a little consuming but I think I set her commenting record......:)
I can see you being that kind of friend and agree, sometimes it's just the little things that can keep you connected.
I did see a couple of un-opened bags of potato chips so go ahead and dig in. Thanks for stopping by.
@aliciamjay Hi Alicia! Welcome to Life, for instance!
It sounds like you have friends from all different areas and times in your life. (Me too). It makes sense that we do. I too have friends from various activities and schools I've attended.I'm guessing you don't see all these friends often but that you see each one at different intervals? Or do you have regular and close contact with them all?
It's fun to have friends in different places. Keeps life interesting! And isn't it nice to have a friend or two who knew you when you were in high school!?
Thanks Bill for this excellent look at friendships. You are completely right. In the social network age, friend has come to mean many things.
Out of the hundreds of people Facebook may call our friends, we most likely would only feel comfortable asking a handful of them for any favors.
Yet, this is a great opportunity to open our arms to making new friends. Just the other day I was on Google+ in a hangout with some really interesting people. After 30 mins of talking with a group of 10 strangers, we already felt comfortable sharing stories and interacting again in the future.
@Bryce Christiansen Hey Bryce, I have fully optimized Google + in that fashion but did have a group call on with Lori and some others. It was fun and look forward to utilizing it deeper.
We need to be careful trying to 'label' it per se, but I think we all know what true friends look like.
I'm glad you were able to make it by; it did get a little crazy but it was fun.
@Bryce Christiansen Hi Bryce!
We are becoming very comfortable in this social network age. You wouldn't think you could get to a point, so quickly, on a Hangout where you feel comfortable with strangers,but you do! I wonder how much it has to do with our willingness to connect with others here.
I think what we're learning in this discussion is that everyone defines friendship in their own way and then acts accordingly. Its a surprisingly complex issue! Thanks for weighing in!
@theunlockeddoor Thanks Stu, appreciate it very much. Hope your day has gone well.
Sorry I'm late everyone! I had to come all the way over from England, and for some stupid reason I decided to take the paddle-boat. My legs hurt ;-)
I'm going to keep this short as I can imagine you being knackered by the sheer volume of comments here. Friendships have different levels of closeness. An acquaintance who you see only once a month is a friend just as much as your closest friend who you see every day. You can see colleagues more often than your best friend, and you can be best friends with your other half.
In other words, you can have all kinds of friends, but please don't get hung up on trying to define how much of a 'good' friend they are. As soon as you do that, the friendship suffers.
BTW Bill, I need your help moving this body...
@Stuart Mills Hi Stu,
"Friendships have different levels of closeness." I agree Stu! I have some friends I see very infrequently but that doesn't mean I value the friendship any less than the people I see frequently. You're saying friendships suffer under the burden of labels? When we try to pin it down, maybe we do it a disservice. I try to enjoy all my friends where they are, when I see them.
You and Bill go back to moving that body now.
@Stuart Mills I'm there for you Stu.
You make a good point because friendships are fluid and at different points (depending on what is going on in your friend's life) they might be willing and/or able to step up at different levels. And some of your closest friends require distance at times; just like extended family. You will be there for them, but it might not be every day.
This did get a little crazy but I do appreciate you taking the time to stop by. I really liked @Hajra post at your place. You are very generous and a good friend for the bloggers you support.
Hope your week is going well so far.
@bdorman264 Aren't you the sweetest! :)
This GP is making history :)
I guess I'm coming to the party as the lights are being turned off, but just wanted to add my two cents to a great post, Bill.
I totally agree with your premise here. Friendship is a sacred thing, but it takes time to develop and maintain. We simply don't have the time to truly nurture something that can be called a close friendship with an infinitely expanding number of people. Our time is finite, only so much of it a day -- 24 hours of it, if my calculations serve me (I am a master at calculating such things!). So the time we have in any given period of time is finite. And so the time and energy we have to invest in creating and nurturing a friendship is necessarily finite as well.
And that brings me to my point: We are thereby limited to the number of true friends it is possible to have. What that number is, I suppose, depends on how much time is not exclusively invested in other areas of life.
Thanks for the great read, Bill. And thanks for featuring him here, Lori!
@Ken Wert Love, love, love this! Why? Because you are being very honest. It does take time to know your "True friends" . Do they have your back as much as you have theirs? That is why my true friends are so few. Maybe, there are some more in the making, but again- only time will tell.
I don't know about moving body's though Bill. I wouldn't put them in that predicament lol.
@SeleemaBlogs@Ken Wert Asking someone to move a body might make your friend wonder 'now if I'm a 'true' friend he wouldn't want to make me an accomplish, right'...................:). True friends do take some nurturing.......
@Ken Wert I meant bodies.
@SeleemaBlogs@Ken Wert LOL - I wish @livefyre had an edit button! ~sigh~ They do so much and yet we ask so much more of them! It's nice that you care Seleema! I'm afraid these little comment boxes will be the demise of what writing skills I have! We type here as fast as we would speak! LOL
Latest blog post: How Important are First Impressions to You?
@Ken Wert Hi Ken,
Thanks for the friendship math! I'm with you on that. Even if I wanted to, there is only so much time for friends and to water that down by trying to keep up too many friendships just does a disservice to all of them.
Online I think we understand that and are tolerant of the busy schedules we all have. So maybe the expectations aren't as high. Taking a relationship offline would need to be carefully considered as well. It would be great if we could "play" here all day, but sooner or later we have to get to work!
I think each friendship is unique and needs to be treated that way too. The caliber, the closeness and the frequency of visits of each of my friendships is different. They are what they want to be. I like that variety! I haven't had a BFF in many many years! Does that make sense to you?
@Lori It does make sense. I wasn't even thinking about online friendships, but you are right about that. There are lower expectations there. I guess there are so many different types of people with so many different expectations for what a friendship means to them that it gets difficult to do too much quantifying. Stu (a few comments higher) makes a good point too.
BTW: You and Bill are doing an amazing job stimulating great conversation!
@Ken Wert@Lori I did get a little crazy Ken but Lori knows how to ask the question and I can certainly comment so I guess we created our own perfect storm, huh?
@Ken Wert Hey Ken, and I knew you were smart like that...........:)
Because of the limited time and family commitments, the friends you can truly nurture and develop become extra special.
I like having 'many' friends but you can truly count your deepest level friends on one hand.
Yes, the last couple of days were quite active but Lori was the most gracious host. She has a knack of keeping the conversation going.
Thanks for coming by and thanks for the comments, sir.
Thanks Kim! RT @the3drenderer: @bdorman264 How Does Your Friendship Grow? - http://t.co/miQx3OL via @lifeforinstance
300 is huge! :) Wait, it is bigger than huge ;)
@Hajra Almost as huge as my head...............
@the3drenderer One seed at a time? Hola
@bdorman264 - Definitely, Bill. One seed at a time ensures better growth anyway. :)
Wow!! More than 300 bodies...oh, sorry...I meant, comments...:D Congratulations, Bill! You sure know how to keep a party going. :)
@KimDavies Hi Kim,
Yes Bill really knows how to host a party! I think, with this comment, he just set our new comments record! And the day is still young!
@Lori With Bill, anything can really happen, Lori...So glad you had him over... :)
@Lori@KimDavies I'm doing the happy dance (and of course shamelessly adding another comment just in case............:)
@bdorman264@Lori@KimDavies Lol
@bdorman264@KimDavies LOL - this is better than the Opening Salvo Award, isn't it?! THANKS Bill - now the bar is set HIGH!
@KimDavies Hey you, some kind of craziness, huh? Lori might think twice about inviting me next time; all my rowdy friends are likely to show up. She was out most of the day so it kept me pretty busy trying to keep up. I had fun with it though.
Thanks for coming by and hopefully there was at least a glass of wine left for you.....
@bdorman264 I just found I'm pregnant :), so I'll stick with sparkling water. :D
@KimDavies@bdorman264 Congratulations! Late to finding out, but my well wishes are sincere. Take good care of yourself: how exciting!
@Lori@bdorman264 It's actually my fourth, Lori...but, still pretty excited, although keeping my fingers crossed as well...since I've had two mild strokes and I still don't know what these could do to my pregnancy now. My first appointment with my ob-gyne is not until the 31st yet, so I am kind of anxious at this moment. I'll keep you posted.
@KimDavies@bdorman264 Wow! Congratulations Kim! This is exciting! Is it your first?
At what point does a friend became a partner in a friendship? At what point does the friendship become a relationship? Can you be friends with someone without relating to the person? Because your opinions, @bdorman264, imply not.
Further, folks ranging from @CristerDelaCruz and @Danny Brown and @DebraUlrich and @Frank-A Spark Starts and @HowieG and @KDillabough and @Lori and @MikeJMaynard and @NancyMyrland and @SeleemaBlogs and @ShakirahDawud and @TheJackB and @Jens-Petter Berget wrote comments on here -- and you responded.
Is the simple act of transacting in words back and forth an ingredient in friendship? If your relationship extends beyond this blog into other blogs or social sites, then everyone here is your friend. If you agree with my putting words in your mouth @bdorman264 then you agree there is a difference between everyone mentioned above and everyone who attended your last birthday party. And it is that difference I ask you to elaborate: the friend vs the person you merely know.
Latest blog post: Reviewing 30 Days of Livefyre Activity
@Ari Herzog@bdorman264@CristerDelaCruz@Danny Brown@Frank-A Spark Starts@HowieG@KDillabough@Lori@MikeJMaynard@NancyMyrland@SeleemaBlogs@ShakirahDawud@TheJackB@Jens-Petter Berget
According to a anthropological hypotheses we humans developed language for the purpose of social bonding of groups larger then 12 people. So in effect their are no mere words. They are our social grooming. We are bonded to everyone we share words with, it is hard wired into our heads. We our extending friendship, every time we have a kind word for somebody weather that is our intention or not ..
@johncharlesowens If language was developed for social bonding beyond 12 people, then is language necessary for less than 12? And, how do you further define language? Is it a word spoken out of the mouth? Is it a sentence typed by hand? Is it sign language, cave paintings, and circles drawn in the sand?
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@Ari Herzog@johncharlesowens Yikes, I'll try Ari! I believe John said language is NOT necessary for sex and you said sex is its own language. I'm not sure if you agree with that or not John because you asked which came first- the chicken or the egg.
Maybe there are no clear answers. If there are, I'm not seeing them :o
@johncharlesowens You wrote language is necessary for sex, and I replied that sex is its own language; and you now flip what I said.
Confused here. Maybe @Lori can help explain the progression.
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog Is it your assertion then that language came before sex ? A human being is now capable of drawing a symbolic relationship between itself and others using any object . Does that make them a human being or is being a human being beyond language ? Was Adam a human being before he named the animals. Was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil actually a symbol of Gods intentions.
@johncharlesowens Depends how biblical you are.
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog which cam first the chicken or the egg.
@johncharlesowens Is not sex a language in itself?
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog Hi Ari is language necessary for sex No ? Then it is not necessary. Language of any type when it comes to human relations is only a symbol pointing to a human emotion.
@johncharlesowens Interesting John! I'm endlessly fascinated with anthropology! If we are bonded to everyone we share words with, that explains how we can feel connected to people here in the blogosphere whom we've never met face to face. There is a lot of communication going on here!
We believe we are so highly evolved, yet we've not strayed all that far from our anthropological roots!
Have you read the book The Naked Ape!? Interesting read!
@Ari Herzog@Lori@johncharlesowens Naked sounds more 'wicked'............Penthouse vs Playboy........
@bdorman264 You perk at naked? Why not nude? @Lori @johncharlesowens
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Lori@johncharlesowens Did somebody say naked?
@johncharlesowens@Ari Herzog Well said..........
@Ari Herzog Hi Ari - just wanted to welcome you to Life, for instance!
You didn't mention how you see friendship? Interesting question about the point at which a friend becomes a partner in a friendship. I think you're saying the relationship has to be mutual. Have I understood you? How do you decide who will be a friend and who won't?
@Lori No, you misunderstood me. I question whether a friendship is the same as a relationship. You use them as synonyms but I suggest otherwise. I am relating to you right now, but I'm hardly your friend.
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog Fair enough..............
I could give two hoots about follow/unfollow and don't know how long it has been since I've actively sought someone out. However, if you think I'm dead wood then by all means jettison me.........
@bdorman264 People view the people who follow them on Twitter as their sanctuary, and when a member leaves their sanctuary they get riled and take the unfollow at a personal level.
Not me. Follow me, unfollow me, I don't care.
If I comment on your blog, I consider that grounds to unfollow your tweets.
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog@Lori You unfollowed me and I did respond to your tweet.............:). Have I reciprocated and commented at your place like I should have; especially after that great piece you did on me? Nope; and I really don't have an excuse other than I'm a very simple person and you go deep quickly. That means I have to put on my thinking cap and I try to avoid it as much as possible.............just sayin'.............but that's because I'm lazy like that..................
BTW - I did care and I did appreciate what you did.
@Lori I can't answer it yet. I'm still working it out!
People used to complain when I unfollowed them on Twitter. To which I responded something like, "But you never tweeted me so I assumed you didn't care!"
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog You tell me Ari. Unless it's a dynamic of care-giving, a friendship which isn't mutual doesn't last. I'm not just talking about me calling you the same number of times you call me, BUT if I'm doing all the doing and you never reciprocate, then I'll begin to feel that the relationship is all in my head and that's no fun (which friendships should be!)
That's my answer to your question. What's yours?
@Lori What constitutes friendship? What constitutes relationship?
When I open my list of email contacts, everyone is there for a reason.
When I open my list of telephone contacts, everyone is there for a reason.
When I open my list of connections on social networking sites, everyone is there for a reason.
Just because someone is on a list doesn't mean I don't remove the person. I routinely curate all of my lists and erase names/addresses due to lack of reciprocity, e.g. my calling them over and over and their never calling me, or my emailing them stuff but their never emailing me, or my commenting on their walls but their never commenting on mine.
If I add someone to my rolodex, I understood a relationship is growing. But if I remove someone, is the relationship ending? Must a relationship, which I'd argue a friendship is contained within, require reciprocity?
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog Wow - I guess I completely misunderstood you Ari! Or maybe it's a matter of definitions. I don't believe all relationships are friendships. I see them as each meaning something different.
What constitutes friendship in your books? What if one person sees you as a friend but you don't see them in the same way? I believe that relationships work best, no matter what kind of relationships they are, when they're mutual i.e. we're acquaintances, we're friends, we're BFF. What do you think?
@Ari Herzog Damn Ari, you are making me work too hard this morning. I certainly want to be able to relate to someone because it will make developing a friendship type relationship easier. You talk to me, I'll probably call you friend. Reality might be they are just a mere acquaintance. However, it is up to me how much I allow it to develop and my MO is to get to know someone on a deeper level than just 'hey, how ya doin'?
Obviously I'm 'friendly' enough which makes it very easy to make friends. But in the 'move a body' sense or a confidant other than my wife, I probably have 3 to 4 I can put in that category.
Friendships like relationships are very fluid and at any given time there will be different levels of depth to that friendship. The majority will be somewhat superficial but are they friendly enough that I think they would vote for me; absolutely.
Simple act of words is one ingredient as there are many. Putting words in my mouth? Don't think so; I'm just pointing out there is a distinction, or different levels to friendships and my personality is more the farming type; I value my friendships at whatever level they may be.
@bdorman264 "Friendships like relationships are very fluid"
How do you differentiate the two?
Latest blog post: Introducing Spotify, the Musical Paradise
@Ari Herzog Will you move a body for me or just have a beer? That's drastic, but it's the depth of the relationship. Who are your friends today could shift 6 months from now. That doesn't mean the previous are no longer friends but maybe something took them out of the picture for the time being, and that's not to say they can't come back.
The deeper the friendship the more someone accepts you just like you are, non-judgmental and will let you inconvenience them when needed.