What do you do when something exciting happens in your life? Do you share it with someone close to you, someone who will understand and celebrate with you? Have you ever noticed that after you’ve shared your good news you don’t feel as excited as you did before you shared it? It’s as if by sharing your secret you burst the bubble that contained the happiness and let all the joyful feeling escape.
Maybe you should have kept that secret.
I thought this was just something that happened to me until I read an article in a magazine, Psychology Today, which shed some light on the issue. We share bad news because it lightens the load and elicits support; it makes us feel better so we naturally assume the sharing of good news will have the same effect. But it doesn’t work that way. This is because sharing news doesn’t make us feel better – it diminishes what we’ve been feeling.
And who wants their happy feeling to be diminished?
Not me! I have a delicious secret. Just thinking about it makes me feel jubilant. My secret is a bubble of joy and excitement within me. I could share it and I will eventually, but not now! I’m holding on to this feeling for as long as I can.
Have you noticed this in your life? Do you keep your happy secrets to yourself?
photo credit: See-ming Lee
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Hey Lori,
I often used to tell secrets to people but then I realized that it is not a great idea to share all your secrets with everyone. Fortunately I share everything with my wife, whom I absolutely trust. But I have seen the secrets sometimes leaked or shared with person whom with they should not have been .
I have followed since then "need to know" principle, which means that before sharing the secret, I decide if they need to know. If yes and they are trustable, it is okay otherwise no.
Just my way of dealing with secrets :)
@blogaks Hi Ashvini! Yes, a "need to know" basis is a good one!
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That is surprising. It's true that I sometime savor some joys privately, but I usually find that sharing it with someone who will be happy for me enhances my pleasure. I'll have to think about this and pay closer attention to what happens when I share.
@galenpearl Hi Galen! Yes, if you can find someone who will enjoy it with you, it does extend that feeling. But it's a completely different thing when it's something you keep to yourself. Maybe it depends on the secret joy you harbor, I don't know. See what you learn when you play with it - come back here and let us know!
This was like a relevation to me and explans so much! The question that Tess asked about what's an exuberant perons supposed to do is exactly what I need to answer? Will my excitement increase, will all the joy I have pent up inside just make me want to burst! I find I need to let it out but....you're so right, once I do it's over with.
I need to learn how to keep secrets, how do you stop yourself, what techniques can I use? Help? ;)
Brenda
@giftbasketvillascom Hi Brenda! Yikes, I'm not the best one to ask! I've bitten my tongue a few times in keeping this secret inside. I guess I just remind myself that it's MY secret joy, for now. I like how that feels. It's really very much like Tess says, I "contain my joy".
I know that feeling of bursting with excitement. Funny how we so readily give that up! Maybe it's a practice type of thing! Try it with something small and see what happens?
On a serious note, I do keep some secrets to myself. It is kind of funny because some friends/family will tell you that I can't keep a secret. There is some truth to that but the reality is that there are more than a few that I haven't ever shared because there is something far more special about them when I keep them quiet.
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@TheJackB I love this: "There is something far more special about them when I keep them quiet." Agreed Jack! How long have you known this? And why didn't you tell me before now?! LOL
Hi Lori,
It makes sense. The problem is I can't or don't contain my joy very well. What's a exuberant person to do??? I love the photo.
Hi Tess! What's an exuberant person to do - exactly! I take it you've never tried to keep a joyful secret inside or noticed what happens when, as @hersparkle says, "the cat's out of the bag". It's been an interesting experience for me. But the way you say it captures exactly the concept I'm exploring with this post - should you keep your secret do you "contain your joy" and if you do, what happens? Do you vibrate more joy - attract more joyful events and situations and people? What do you think?
This is such an interesting concept that I had never thought of. I am so glad you made me think about it. I agree with you, particularly when the secret primarily impacts you (a book deal, a promotion, a decision about your future, etc.) I think that no matter how much the person you share it with loves you or knows you, they cannot feel or express the joy quite in the specific, personal way you do, so that may be the letdown (even though they are very happy for you). I do love that feeling of savoring the secret, but I think over time, as you get used to the idea, and it becomes more real, there are diminishing returns of joy (not a bad thing, just a natural occurrence), then I think it is time to share it and get excited all over again because the cat is out.
Where I do have a hard time containing a secret is when it is something specifically for someone else (a special gift, a surprise, a vacation plan, etc.) I get so excited in that case that I want to share and enjoy the other person's happiness, but keeping that in is even a little more fun, because it builds up more joy & momentum.
Interesting the diversity of opinions here...some sharers, some not. I wonder if that has anything to do with the difference of being a 'people person' (for lack of a better term) and the desire for constant connection and transparency and that of being a bit more reserved and inward focused.
@HerSparkle Hi Lisa! So much to think about in your comment! I never thought of the diminishing returns of joy! I'll have to get back to you on that one. The idea of keeping a secret is new to me ;-)
I wonder if the personality types determine who shares and who keeps the happy secrets. I'd guess that the introvert may have an easier time of keeping it quiet, but that's just my guess. It may also depend on the type of secret and when it happens or is about to happen in the future. Like I said, I just threw this out there to see what everyone thought of it. It's fun to think about but as you said, there are different opinions here!
Good morning @Lori This post really made me stop and think...and...it is TRUE...there is something about letting the cat out of the bag that is almost anti-climactic. For me, I think what happens is that when I have very exciting news that I keep within, I purposely don't do a lot of peeling back the onion on the good news so that it stays fresh, happy and unscarred. Once you let it out of the bag, even if you are sharing it with trustworthy positive friends or family, there is that chance that the pure essence of the big news will be marred by, perhaps, the wrong facial expression response, or not enough joy or, worse yet, a suggestion or concern regarding that really big surprise. SO...wanting to keep it inside in its purest form seems like a natural desire. Once you spill the beans, it is out there for all to critique, misinterpret or alter. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh because I truly believe we all mean well...it's just that no one, not even our love circle will ever experience the feeling of the surprise or big news the way we experienced it internally.
What do you think?
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS I wholeheartedly agree Claudia. It's impossible for anyone to experience as much excitement over a personal joy as we ourselves do. I wonder about that when I think of my children, but even then my joy springs from MY perspective on it, not necessarily theirs. You have explained so well the risk of sharing and the benefits of keeping the secret "fresh, happy and unscarred." There are limits to our capacity for empathy, aren't there?
I can't. My wife would kill me (figuratively)........;-)
@rdopping LOL, thanks to your avatar, you always seem to be enjoying the party. Keep your secret Ralph, we don't want you to go anywhere anytime soon!
:o - you said figuratively :-)
It’s as if by sharing your secret you burst the bubble that contained the happiness and let all the joyful feeling escape. Hi Lori love you but I am here to burst your bubble. It is not as if. It is a bubble, a figment of your Imagination a product of your ego another brick in the facade of the false self that can only lead to pain an suffering in the future when reality comes knocking
@johncharlesowens You may be right, and I love you too, it may be ego, a figment of my imagination (what's NOT that ;-) but in this case I'm firmly situated in the present moment and not concerned about the future. In the present I'm happy about this secret - no matter what might come out of it when it is shared. I guess this begs the question; would you avoid undertaking an activity which would feel so good that it would hurt very badly when it's over? Let reality knock - tomorrow. Meanwhile, happy attracts happy so my "meanwhile" is bound to be interesting, and is!
@Lori Hi Lori it is not the secret that is the issue but what you think the secret means or says about you. You are creating an attachment to a symbol anything that happens to that symbol will now effect you emotionaly . Is not a secret about a future event? Your children and your husband are not figments of your imagination but what you thinks this secret means to you is. Happiness is based on an idea Joy is rooted in being
@Lori Christ Crucified Is God’s Power and Wisdom 1 Corinthians
18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”[c]
20 Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22 Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
Hi Lori Anthony certainly was an enlightened cat. This passage from first corinthians says it all . You see the path to enlightenment is through suffering . Suffering that is created by the mind. You can be in physical pain and not suffer . Suffering is always a judgment of the mind. The problem is that many of these judgments were made in childhood, told to us by society, religion, country, parents, TV, ect. They now sit in our subconscious and rule over us. If everything is going good and we are succeeding according to our programing our judgments, there is no incentive to wake up. That is why Jesus said that he had come for the sick. We suffer when what we have judged to be good, what provides security, esteem, power and control, happiness, is lost or we perceive that it might be lost. Our mind is constantly providing us with new material ways of achieving happiness to somehow escape our suffering and sometimes the happiness that is dangled in front of us is so great and shiny that we do not notice that it is being offered as a solution to suffering. The bible calls that idolatry. Jesus lead the way , we need to embrace the suffering, acknowledge it, see it and then let it go by faith. Most people just want to escape but the only escape is into another illusions of the mind. That is why silent meditation is so useful it gives you a chance to sit with yourself and notice the joy of just being and also the suffering that is taking place in your subconscious. Listen and let go, fall through your suffering into the peace of god that surpaces all understanding. Who would have thought that peace lies on the other side of suffering. Waking people up that are sleeping can be very dangerous. If I did not believe that you wanted to wake up I would keep my mouth shut.
Love You Lori
You and Auguste are in my prayers, may the peace of god be with you and in you.
@johncharlesowens @Lori This is tricky John.The secret, in this case, is about a present happening. I get it that happiness is based on an idea and joy is rooted in being but the words happiness and joy are so subjective, so interchangeable. Maybe I used the wrong one in the post because what I feel when I think about this happening IS joy.
I thought of you yesterday as I continued to listen to a series of talks by Anthony DeMello. He would undoubtedly agree with you and you will understand after you listen to them what I mean when I admit to being an ass. I am far from enlightened or even, as he would say it, awake. But I'm loving the process of getting there! The series I'm watching is here: http://awareness.tk/
That's an interesting perspective, Lori! I guess that I have to share exciting news because it actually expands the joy for me to share it. (Kinda goes back to that old maxim: What you focus on expands). That's my personality, though.
I do feel deflated if i share with the wrong people, though. So I've learned to share exciting news related to my dreams with my "dream builders" and keep it to myself with people who may not embrace my joy. Great convo starter!
@Steve_Rice Hi Steve! I know what you mean by the sharing increasing the joy and I believe that what you focus on expands. I find the same thing happens inside me when I keep it to myself - it makes ME happier! Eventually the secret gets shared but in the meantime, I'm a more bright light, glowing from that happy secret within me. Does that makes sense?
Sharing with someone who doesn't "get" it is a downer. Have you ever managed to find someone who could be authentically as happy for you as you are for yourself? Do you think it's possible?
This makes perfect sense, especially since the other person is rarely going to be as excited as you are, and so your happy energy will seep out because of their (in your mind) lackluster reaction. I think next time I have an exciting secret I will spend more time enjoying the feeling instead of finding someone to share it with. :)
I guess it depends on who you share it with, Grumpy or Happy ;)
In my experience, some suck that energy (happy feeling) right out of you, while others make you feel even better.
@Craig McBreen Well said Craig! There are the two different types of people who you can entrust with your good news who can distort the whole thing on you, and then there's how you feel once you've let it go. Maybe a pause is in order before sharing, an a discernment of what you want and why you want to share. It's a shame to waste the good feeling of good news ;-) So are you a Sharer or not?
No can do; I'll have to tell somebody 'cause I like to share. For me at least, I don't think is diminishes the excitement. Holding it in would probably cause me angst.
I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut however; I have plenty of bruises on my shins from my wife kicking me after TMI.
I can keep a secret if told something in confidence; but when it comes to me it's hard for me not to spill the beans.
@bdorman264 I'm all for keeping other people's secrets!!! But like you, I tend to want to share my good news ASAP! We're both Sharers, imagine that.
Yes.
@KDillabough Shortest comment ever!
@Lori Ok
@Lori @bdorman264 @Sandi Amorim @TheJackB @Bill Dorman ;)
@KDillabough @bdorman264 @Sandi Amorim @TheJackB @Bill Dorman Sure Kaarina. We knew that :p
@bdorman264 @Sandi Amorim @Lori @TheJackB @Bill Dorman OMG, I was replying yes, yes, yes! to Sandi's comment, but it appears after the partially clothed comment of Bill's...too freakin' funny!
@Sandi Amorim @Lori @TheJackB @Bill Dorman Yes, yes, yes!
@Sandi Amorim @Lori @KDillabough @TheJackB @Bill Dorman Just be cautious when you say 'hang out' around Jack. He's known to show up partially clothed at times.....:)
@Lori @KDillabough @TheJackB @bdorman264 ...and THIS is why I LOVE you guys!!!
@Sandi Amorim @KDillabough @TheJackB @Bill Dorman Well...you could join the Life, for instance Google+ Hangout we have every couple of weeks! ;-) Details here: http://lifeforinstance.com/2011/08/10/let’s-hang-out
@Lori @KDillabough @TheJackB @Bill Dorman OMG, can we all meet somewhere and hang out??? You people are my kind of wacky!
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@KDillabough @TheJackB @Bill Dorman :-0
@TheJackB @Lori @Bill Dorman .
@Lori ?
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@bdorman264 Alright Bill - even shorter. I bet not even @TheJackB could leave a comment shorter than that!
Hey Lori, how interesting that you ask this question today. I have a secret too. I thought about reveling it just a few minutes ago on a different blog post. I did not. It is almost like being pregnant (which I'm NOT) because eventually the "secret" will be revealed. In the mean time, I'm savoring the secret.
@Yvonne Root Hi Yvonne! "Almost like being pregnant!" Good analogy! Savoring the secret is the whole idea! I wonder if keeping that feeling inside, which makes us feel good, sets our vibration to such a level that more happy things are attracted to us What do YOU think @DeliberateBlog ? ;-)
So you have a secret Yvonne......what is it ;-)
@Lori Hey Lori. I think the key is WHO you share your secret with. If you are in a happy shiny place and your friends and family aren't quite there, then they're going to bring you down. They're going to start taking your happy news apart with their own fears, looking for something that could go wrong. They're going to be "realistic". But, if you share your secret with someone who is on your level happiness wise or even above it, they will rejoice with you and maybe even bring you higher. You feel good while focusing on WHY you feel good. When someone gets you to focus on negatives instead, it kind of ruins it.
So, I'd say share your secret, but only with those who will fully support you, be happy with you and won't be too realistic about it. Share your dreams with other dreamers and leave the realists out of it. :o)
Hugs!
Melody
@DeliberateBlog Yes, I agree - the who is important. It's one of the reasons the article warns against sharing the secret. Leave the realists out of it :p Good advice.
I'm a Sharer (new distinction ;-)) so consequently don't have a lot of secrets, good or bad. But having said that I do love the anticipation just before I share, so I do get what you're talking about here!
I also think when it's a positive secret you've got to be very conscious of who you share it with. People can easily quash your excitement if you let them!
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@Sandi Amorim Hi Sandi! That's one of the reasons a shared secret can become diminished. The person you share it with can't possibly be as excited about it as you are ;-) So you see what I mean - that moment before you share it is so exciting. I'm just stacking up those moments!
A Sharer? ;-) I am too. What a different experience to keep a secret inside for a change!
I guess it depends on the secret. Some of them I keep to myself for a while. Others I share immediately because I want people to celebrate with me. I suppose I don't feel diminished when I do that because I want to share the secret. Perhaps that's the real difference? One secret we want to keep to ourselves - if only for a little while longer - and the other one we want to share.
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@Erin F. I agree Erin, it all depends on the secret! Do you notice a difference in how you feel after you share the secret that you share?
@Lori I guess I do. I think it's one of relief because I'm usually anticipating or thinking about how people will respond. It's like buying Christmas presents for people. I put all this thought into what I'm going to get them so that I can enjoy the look on their faces when they open their presents. :) With secrets, it's seeing people's excitement. It makes me happy and aware of how blessed I am to have such good friends.
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