Have you learned how to let go of negative emotions; hurts you no longer need in your life? It’s ironic, isn’t it, that we would hold on to something that hurts us? It may that we are troubled by an inability to forgive or perhaps we’ve achieved that but we just can’t forget. If only it were easy to let go, as simple as following the advice from the movie “The Lion King”; “Put your behind to the past…” and walk away. But some things have too much of a grip on us to make that easy to do.
Years ago I happened upon a small book at the library by Guy Finley called The Secret of Letting Go. This was a great find. I fell in love with this empowering book! I wanted to make it a Christmas gift to everyone I cared about. At that time in my life there were things I needed to release and what I learned in this book helped.
A few years later I discovered “The Sedona Method”. (Watch the introductory video here.) The Sedona Method is a powerful, simple technique and it works.
In my book, The Happy Place, I outline a process for letting go of emotions which hold us back from living a full and happy life. I want to know the reasons for the feelings. I want to hear what they have to say. Only then, after deriving the learning and experiencing the healing they offer, am I willing to let them go.
I’m a huge fan of Anthony Robbins. I love his no-nonsense, empowering approach to life. Here in a 1:28 minute video is what he has to say about letting go of anger and resentment.
Are there unwanted feelings; anger, hurts, resentments, in your life which are holding you back? What tools and techniques do you use to deal with your negative emotions? How do you let go?
photo credit: Agustin Ruiz
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Hi Lori
Great topic thanks for introducing Guy Finley. I listen to some of his stuff and came across a talk he gave on getting into a fight with a lawn chair. Any one that has been in a fight with a lawn chair or a VCR or a Computer should be able to realize that there is another person running around in their head called frustration, anger, and his alter ego happiness, and esteem. Is it not amazing that we are not able to realize that a lawn chair is only a lawn chair and that the only person we are getting frustrated with is ourselves. Who told us to get frustrated in the first place and why are we getting frustrated, these are the questions that the lawnchair man does not want us to ask ourselves.
I hope you do not mind me having a little fun with a serious topic.
I think we do not want to love our suffering, to be present to our suffering. We want to escape hide or run away from suffering. We are willing to believe in any material symbol that promises relief, peace or happiness, little do we realize that when we agree to this promise we are only reinforcing the false belief that caused the suffering in the first place. When we hold our suffering in love and do not try to run away the suffering just evaporates into thin air. Jesus tried to tell us to carry our cross in love “our mental suffering” because he knew that it was the only path to peace. I think the Buddha had something to say about suffering to.
@johncharlesowens Being present to our suffering and letting go of feelings and negative emotions that don't serve us are two entirely different things. Yes, you suffer when you don't let go, but is it necessary when it springs from old feelings you no longer need or is it just a waste of time?
How do you let go John?
Wow, this is one stop shopping for everything you need to know about releasing, forgiving, and letting go. I have released many of the negative feelings I held onto for years. A Course in Miracles helped me a lot, as did other resources. One line from the Course that I reminded myself often of is "The only wholly true thought one can hold about the past is that it is not here." The one negative feeling I still revisit sometimes is regret over ways I handled certain things with my kids. Somehow they still turned out okay, so I can rationally see that it's okay to let it go, but still....
@galenpearl Hi Galen,
It's hard not to beat up on yourself over things that happened while you were trying to be the perfect parent! I know the thought process; they did turn out okay but I could have done better. We always could have done better once we have perfect hindsight if only we could time-travel back there!
You read A course in Miracles too! Such wisdom in that book! You can practically open that book at random and find a golden nugget wherever you place your finger!
Hi Lori,
I love this topic! I learned a long time ago that if I don't let go, I give too much power to other people or other circumstances and I refuse to do that. I also believe in giving people a break - we all make mistakes and have circumstances beyond our knowledge and understanding. That's only way I know to be.
Cheers!
Erica
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@EricaAllison Hi Erica! If you don't let go you give too much power to other people or circumstances!? That in itself is a good reason to let go, to reclaim your power. I like that!
That's a good way to be. :-)
Lori
I don't let go very easily. I am working on it, but if you really upset me I remember. I don't forget about much. I think it is part of what makes it easy for me to write. It is a sort of blessing and curse.
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@TheJackB "Blessing and curse" - makes sense. All this stuff we need to let go of is the stuff of life that makes for good material for writers! :D
First, I catch myself thinking the thought. Then, like an outside observer, I observe what that thought is creating in my mind...and in reality...one in the same, since our thoughts create our reality. I then accept the fact that the thought has arisen: never punish or berate myself. I then picture that thought being blown into a a balloon that I release, realizing that "this too shall pass." I don't hold onto things/thoughts that deter me from my purpose and my mission. I let them go. Cheers! Kaarina
@KDillabough What a great image for letting go - blowing it up into a balloon and releasing it! I'm going to use that one! In using The Sedona Method sometimes I picture the issue as a large crystal in my hand and when I drop it I let it fall to the ground and smash into a thousand pieces! Imagery helps, doesn't it?
@Lori Imagery is a powerful tool:)
We all have grown up with the word "No". In our family, in school, etc. So undoing it is a challenge, but doable.
Be well.
Hi Morris! Welcome to Life, for instance. Are you saying we need to let go of the "no"s? How do you do it?
Hi Lori,
This is a BIG topic. I am in the ballpark of Steve Rice on this one. Basically, I know that I "create my own reality." So...I look for the pattern of what that experience allowed to happen (why was it there, what did I learn, where would I not be today if it wasn't for that). Even then, there are some resentments that just want to stay under your skin even after you recognize the reasons. For that, I really do core image work. I am with Tony Robbins in principle - holding on to it ONLY hurts you. Remember other people are here to mirror us back to ourselves, so when you find someone really incredibly awful, morally reprehensible, or damaging - that is a really good time to take a veeeery close look at yourself. Gregg Braeden has some incredible videos of his mirror work on You Tube that are well worth the hour or two it take to watch them, just to get that really deep understanding of what it really going on.
@Julie | A Clear Sign Hi Julie! Is the core work you're talking about like the core work Sandi mentioned?
Mirror work sounds interesting. I'll check out Braeden's videos, thanks!
I'm a strong believer that we manifest everything in our lives. It's helpful to derive the benefit from the incident after it happens, but while it's going on, I find it very empowering to ask why I manifested it at this time. I didn't say it's PLEASANT to ask that question, but it changes how I feel about something. It puts the power back into my hands and sends the victim running. I'm off the check out the mirror work videos!
I have been letting go of a lot of things in my life lately. I tried the Sedona Method but didn't get the results I expected. I think whats worked best for me is simplifying my life, just dropping the clutter. Processes or over examination of letting go make it harder for me. I hope this helped a few people!
@Brandon Dean Hi Brandon! So you clutter-clear and simplify and it helps you to let go of things? I love clutter-clearing! Please say more about this. Has it worked to let go of old stuff, or new stuff or both?
@Lori Hey! Yeah essentially it is letting go. You let go of all the things that complicate your life, this can be anything from physical to mental. They compliment each-other. Look at all the things around you that just lay there and don't give you value anymore.
There is a lot of things, huh? A good rule of thumb is if you haven't used it in 6 months, you don't need it. Notice how you will try to cling to some possessions "just in case" in those cases just do it! A empty clutter free house is much more pleasant to be in then a house full of items in my opinion. But that is just the first step.
The next step once you get some of the physical clutter out of the way is getting anything that causes mental clutter. For example, I just did this with my online time, here is a sample from a article I am writing on my progress (yet to be published.) Sorry if it sounds "rough" I didn't edit it yet.
"
SIMPLIFYING ONLINE TIME
This turned out to have a massive impact in my productivity. Some days, I would spend hours online on mindless things such as YouTube and various social networking sites. Here are my online rules now:
1. I can go on social networking sites twice a day (morning and at night.)
2. I eliminate most mind-numbing YouTube out of my life. Things that don’t add value to my life. I can watch things that give me a laugh and/or informational videos up to twice a day (morning and night.)
3. I check e-mail only twice a day (morning and night.)
4. I can do no more than 5 Google searches a day.
5. I can go on no more than 15 different websites a day but I can go on those 15 websites more than once thought the day.
6. I can read as much blog content as I want but need to stop if I start to feel “strained.”
P.S. As a reference, in my search history—before I applied these rules— I would check my 1,000 most recent webpages and it would only go back a few days, now it goes back so much more. This means a HUGE decrease in mindless internet activity. Being conservative I’d say it was a 300-400% increase in productivity."
This didn't just boost productivity, it made my stress level go down. If you find something giving you a negative emotion, simplify it and clear the clutter! It can be applied to anything new and old!
@Brandon Dean That's quite a system Brandon! It's similar to one It seems to be working for you, cutting down the mindless drains on your time and energy! I have used since I got involved with blogging and started spending so much time here! It's taken me til now, 19 months, to achieve that balance :o
What's interesting is the connection you recognition between simplifying your life and being able to release unwanted "things". When we're balanced and our minds are clear we can handle life much better.
Lori, great question! For me...in real life experience...awareness helps me to let go. When I was taught that my emotions are reflections of my thoughts--conscious or unconscious--I realized that I could begin to choose different thoughts. That helped me to let go. It's not easy all the time, because sometimes you have to do it in steps. (ie you can't easily jump from rage to bliss in one bound)
When it comes to releasing resistance to the flow of life and circumstances that aren't as I wish they were, the most effective tool I have found is finding a place where I can experience presence and stillness. Always allows me to release my own resistance. Then, in that place, I'm able to experience gratitude and eventually joy, and this releases the rest. Just my 2 cents. :)
@Steve_Rice Hi Steve! Your 2 cents is a beautiful process. How did you learn how to do this?
First of all, I try not to dwell on them; and I also try to be forward thinking as much as possible. I've certainly been dinged a few times, and in the moment it caused me a great deal of angst, but I usually find it just isn't worth it to hold on to negativity. Life is going to go on whether you are ready or not; no need to keep trying to swim upstream.
@bdorman264 Swimming upstream is a good description of how it is when you hold on to thing that hurt you. I wonder if it's easier to let go of the big things than the little ones which may slip beneath our radar. Do you know what I mean?
@Lori Subconsciously maybe, but I say wipe the slate clean........
This is a great topic! thanks Lori. I have extremely guilty of not being able to let go. I know about 'not' bringing up the past. and try hard. But it's still there in my mind.What I try to always do it remind myself from the Four Agreements. NOTHING anyone else does is because of ME! And then I'll remind myself that whatever the issue is....it's on the other person. THEY are the ones with the problem.I have to try to remember that i cannot control nor change anyone else but me. But let me tell you - - that is a HARD thing to always remember!!!
@StaceyMJHughes It is hard to remember that. WHY!?!??! We're looking out at the world through our own lenses but we expect that others are looking out through ours instead of their own? Do you think it comes down to taking care of yourself, giving yourself what you want and not relying on others to do it for you? Is it possible that we could come to a place where it didn't matter what others did around us, that we would be okay because we've drained the meaning out of it and put it back where it belongs? Someone once told me 9and I believe Anthony Robbins said it on the video - did you watch it?) that we're all doing the best we can to get what we need. What a hard battle to get what we need from others. If we could get if on our own, we'd be able to enjoy people and not require things of them to make us feel good about ourselves. Wow - I'm kind of rambling.
What is it that we need to let go of to be happy? I think that is the question. Do you have any answers Stacey?
@Lori I think that is the problem. We only think of our own REALITY! and 'forget' that no one single other person shares the identical reality as we do!
Yes, I think if we can find it intrinsically to take care of ourselves, our wants, needs and happiness...then whatever we may/may not get from someone else is a bonus.
I have heard that phrase often, we put a different spin on it as teachers (when we get disgruntled with students) reminding ourselves that parents send us the best they have (they don't keep the good ones at home) :)
Everyone does the best they can, with what they have or know at the time...that is why letting go is so vital to moving forward. Besides, you HAVE to go forward, that is life...and you can't change the past...so let it go, and enjoy or make changes to the now!
Oh Lori, I have lots of answers, as I think a lot of this LFI community does...the problem is implementing those answers in our OWN lives :)
@StaceyMJHughes I hear you Stacey! Knowing is one thing and implementing is another! :p I find it helpful to take little steps, when you can identify them. Taking baby steps is pretty much how we learned to do everything we do, that and practice.
I've often faltered with "forgive and forget" Maybe it's just semantics but it just seems easier when I think of "letting it go". What works for me is writing out my feelings to get to some kind of understanding, but when that doesn't work I go to a process from a body of work called Core Dynamics. When I can't find forgiveness in my mind, I go to the body and that's where it usually gets resolved.
Great inquiry Lori!
Latest blog post: Exploring the Source of Intention
@Sandi Amorim I find it really interesting that you go to the body to get it resolved!
@Sandi Amorim Hi Sandi! Core Dynamics sounds interesting. Do you have a link to share - have you blogged about it?
I use writing to help me understand what I'm feeling. There is another technique I use, that I'm just remembering now, that I learned from John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). It's outlined here: http://billherring.info/atlanta_counseling/john-grays-love-letter-technique
@Lori Here's a link to listen to an intro recording: http://greatlifetechnologies.com/CDSeminars.shtml
Quick explanation: Emotions get held in the body. We stuff them down, suppress them and there they stay for years. I had this experience when my first long-term relationship ended. After years of personal development, therapy & coaching it seemed like I'd be stuck with those feelings forever. Then I tried Core Dynamics and it finally got complete so that I could move on. Amazing experience.
Latest blog post: Exploring the Source of Intention
@Sandi Amorim Thanks Sandi! It makes sense to me that the feelings get stuck in the body. We know better, now, than to separate the mind and body and emotions! :-)
Thanks Lori. Powerful stuff. Being in "recovery" I have found what works for me is to "Let Go and Let God" turn it over, ask for help. Surrender the pain or problem. It works for me. I also use other quotes and sayings to live in today, move on and forgive others. "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow's a Mystery, Today is a Gift, that's why we call it the Present" and "Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past" Both of these have helped me a lot. especially that second one, when I am upset or angry at someone, for what they have done to me. And one last one from the book "A Course in Miracles" "I can choose peace rather than this"
It takes practice. A lot of practice.
I have dealt with some serious issues regarding forgiveness with someone severely injuring my brother in a drunk driving accident. It took a long time to forgive. I have no idea how I would deal with the murder of a family member. wow. I will pray for Jennifer and her family.
Thanks again Lori.
Al
@Al Smith Hi Al! Those are powerful quotes! I love them all but especially this one: "forgiveness if letting go of all hopes for a better past" I just heard that recently and I'd love to know who said it. It makes such sense. They say there is no such thing as time - that it's all now but the only time that makes sense is when you think of past hurts because THEY are not in the past (until you deal with them) - they feel like they're still happening!
I love the Course in Miracles. I haven't cracked that binding in a long time. Hmm...
So you say letting go takes practice? It makes sense. Maybe that means little pats on the back are in order? Yesterday, for instance, I lost my Internet signal. In the past this would have really made me angry and anxious but I just took care of it, made plans and stayed calm! Then I patted myself on the back - hard! Little steps.
How did you finally manage to forgive the fellow who injured your brother in that accident?
@Lori
The forgiveness quote came from the incredible book; Forgiveness, the greatest healer of all by Gerald jampolsky. Still read thru it today. Regarding forgiving the guy who hit my brother, it was through prayer. the resentment prayer specifically in the aa book. awesome tools in there. thanks again. luv ya.
Al
Hi Lori and LFI. Great suggestions for resources to help with letting go. I read the "Sedona Method" a few years back and really liked it . Now I need to take a look at "The Secret of Letting Go"
While I have not had anything as horrific as Jennifer has happen in my life - I can't even imagine the process that one must go through to deal with an incident like that. I have had my share of pain and things that just brought me down. I used to obsess over those things, think about them all the time and it created a lot of negativity in my life. I think I just reached a place that I was so unhappy and so stressed that I literally could not live like that anymore. One day I just decided to 'give it up to the universe' and truly let all that stuff go. I thought about the fact that I have always been OK and worrying and stressing over those things was a waste of the precious time I have here. I have also been one to keep everything inside and to think I needed to work through any issues on my own. I decided to truly trust my husband and surrender to the fact that I can count on him to help me walk through everything - that was very freeing. I have been thinking a lot about the idea of 'surrendering' (I have a post partially written about it) and how hard it is for us to completely, and I mean completely, let go and trust. It started in yoga class where the teacher asked us to surrender and I found I was still physically holding on just a little. It's a journey, I think, to get to a place that you can truly let completely go and breathe. For me it happened in one fell swoop - it had to. I don't think that is the case with most. I still do work on things not creeping back in, but I use yoga, meditation and reading positive materials to help with that.
@HerSparkle Hi Lisa! You know the Sedona Method! Isn't it great!?
You've really worked at this. Worry is a tough one to let go of. Funny thing is we ARE always okay, so the worry is a waste of time. You let go all-at-once out of desperation. That's a great way ;-) You probably were approaching it for some time before you just gave up. Funny, "giving up" is a way to let go! Do you ever notice how things often change when you give up hope that they ever will?
@Lori Absolutely. It's kind of like how they say that you will find love when you stop looking for it...almost like if you let the issue go, it loses momentum, diffuses and manifests into something potentially good.
@HerSparkle Is the moral of the story to relax? Hmm...a glass of port, a few moments at sunset on the porch swing...Do I digress? ;-) But yes, I like the way you say it - it loses momentum, diffuses. With our energy too much of the time we hold things the way they are rather than letting them manifest into something better.
I've learned to let go of a lot of things that have hurt me. The "problem" I have is when I'm talking with someone and I use my past as an example, it tends to make me or them or both, think that maybe I haven't let go as much as I thought. For the most part, I'm confident I have not allowed those things to control my present...but I'm sure there is still a little residual pain in there.
I wonder if there is a way...to be sure that you have let go without forgetting. Most of the things were from my mother and my ex. If I am in a position where my mother and I are together, and she brings things up from the past, she tends to accuse me of not letting go because I will not allow her back in. I know it is because I do not have to allow her negativity into my life any longer...and I do not want her to use that on my kids. BUT, because of this, she has accused me of NOT forgiving and NOT letting go.
Is she right? Am I still holding on because I remember what it felt like when she hurt me. Have I really not forgiven her because I refuse to allow it in my life now?
@dshort2010 Hi Dawn! I'm with @CrossBetsy on this. I don't think you can forget and still retain the wisdom you gained from the experiences. It's very hard to forgive and forget something that's still ongoing, as in @jennifercavacas 's case. And yes, you have to protect your kids. It's not easy being around negative people - is this another post?
I've found that if I can get to the root of the issue, find what it is this issues causes me to believe about myself, I can make the issue diminish in my life. You don't forget, but it no longer means what it once meant which means it no longer hurts. Anthony DeMello says you "drain it of power". That's empowering! Does this make sense?
@Lori draining it of it's power is exactly the right message...I can talk about the situation, even be passionate, but it no longer holds me in a state of pain. However, when it comes to my mother, there is always that small little voice that says "aw man..." She said it best when she told me "I don't get it and I'm never gonna get it"....Gotcha!!
Thanks for the support...for me, and all the others!
@dshort2010 Don't you think there's a difference between "letting go" and forgetting? I believe that the human mind remembers because it is a teacher, not to cause us pain. When we lose trust in another person we can move on but we'll remember that there are boundaries to protect us from foolishly engaging again.Trust can be rebuilt, and the relationship can be stronger, I believe, but my mind reminds me that I may not have dealt with a certain issue yet (or someone else hasn't) and therefore the relationship isn't very "safe". At least that's my experience!
@CrossBetsy I certainly do think there is a difference...however, the people I deal with do not. I was just looking for some back up...
Thanks :)
My brother was murdered 4 years ago and we are still going through a lot with the whole thing. The police didn't follow protocol so the killer(s) are pretty much getting very little. His wife, the one who got jail time, will be out in a couple of years and her children and another adult (co-conspirators) did not get anything. It is extremely hard to let this kind of anger go. I am a practicing Wiccan so I have no interest in "faith based" readings about how "God" tells you/us this or that, so it was very hard to find help. The only 2 books I found on the subject to be very helpful were "Coping with Traumatic Death" by Bob Baugher & Lew Cox and "No Time for Goodbyes" by Janice Lord. I recommend these to everyone.
I went through counseling and became involved with advocacy for victims of violent crime and this has helped me quite a bit. But I will NEVER be able to let go. I just know it.
@JenniferCavacas Hi Jennifer, it would be unimaginably hard to let go of things like this, especially while they are still happening. I think that is the hardest thing.Death is so final I can't imagine how painful it must be when it's sudden AND untimely - by the hand of another.
Thanks for the book recommendations! I think turning your grief and anger into advocacy for victims of violent crime is an admirable, wise move..
OMG Lori! I just reread what I wrote! I had to run to the bus stop and it hit me that I forgot to say that I've tried the practice that you outline in your book and it really works! If it sounded like I disregarded it, I'm sorry!! The "why" I do things is invaluable to me so that I don't repeat some behaviors that bring pain or suffering to me and others, but also helps me to see how I'm a vulnerable, yet beautiful human being on a marvelous journey! Thanks, again!!
@CrossBetsy Thanks Betsy! You are a marvelous, beautiful human being. I like the conclusion you draw- "the miracle of taking something bad and finding the good in it is miraculously healing". Maybe that's what we need to achieve in order to let go? Or maybe it's only once we've let go that we are able to see it. Which do you think it is?
@Lori This is where sometimes my friends step in because I can get lost in doubt that healing is on the horizon if I just keep walking. I know for sure that rehashing things with people and trying to "find" forgiveness and understanding is a dark road. Someone has to step out onto a new road of possibilities and invite the other to come. I have to accept the way things are and act myself towards how I want to show up in the future as a stronger person. So, if I can't see the positive I surround myself with people who are light and bright and encouraging!
@CrossBetsy "Healing is always on the horizon"! Man! You write beautifully! That could be a title for a book! And I love this "I want to show up in the future as a stronger person..." inspiring! Surrounding ourselves with positive people is the best way. We're all fighting tough battles ( LOL - I nearly typoed it to say "RIGHTING tough battles") and we may as well accept that. But sometimes we're walking in the sun and sometimes we're walking beneath a cloudy grey sky. We've got to find our own way, though tips and tools and wonderful ideas can be found all around us! Don't you just love the adventure in that?!