“I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
-Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem
In Memoriam:27, 1850
Growing up, I often heard my grandmother say, “She would prefer to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all!” She was talking about me. Have you ever thought about this? Do you think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
By this time in your life you’ve probably experienced heartbreak. That’s one form of loving and losing but there are others. Have you ever lost a beloved pet? After the time of grieving passed did you hesitate before adopting another pet because that at the end of 8 – 12 years you would face such loss again? What about a friendship gone sour? Have you ever been so scarred by loss that you vowed to never risk facing it again?
The scope of this question is larger still. Life as we know it here, ends. Along the way we lose our parents, our friends, aunts and uncles. If you had the choice, would you return for another life? Would you take a chance and grab it for the potential to experience love even though loss will inevitably be a part of the package?
This author suggests that when we are talking about romantic love and specifically, marriage, the answer is no. Yet this author writing for the same site, responds with an emphatic “Yes!”
What’s my answer? My grandmother knew me well. I would prefer to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Oh there were times, I’ll admit, like when we lost our first dog, Brandy, when I wanted to shut my heart to the possibility of getting another pet (then along came a little black kitten named “Pepper”). There were other times, too, when I was deep in the dating phase [Read: "heart-break" phase] before I met my husband-to-be, when I wondered if it was worth it. But it was and it is and I’d choose it over and over and over again.
What are your thoughts about this, your feelings? Was Tennyson right? Is it better to have loved and lost…than to never have loved at all?
photo credit: Julien haler
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@Ronie Walter @ IT Staffing Agencies Losing people you love is one of the hardest things, isn't it. We've got to love them well while they are here.
Welcome to Life, for instance Ronie!
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Oh yeah sure. Till now women coworker from my past workplace are amused as to how I can fall in love. I am really not a very mushy kind of a guy . But then I have been and I am still in love. It was an awesome breakup but then the disadvantage is that even temporary breakup is heartbreaking and killing :).
@blogaks Hi Ashvini! This is a passionate view! You are a poet, for sure!
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@Lori
Haha I wrote awesome breakup... What I meant was Love was awesome and breakup was bad :). Sorry for typos
@blogaks LOL I liked "awesome breakup"!
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Hey Lori.
I look at it this way. If you've never loved than how do you know you ever could. It's easy to hide behind never love but what kind of life is that? Vanilla, flat, boring......dead? I would rather feel the exhilaration of love and the pain of loss. That way i know i can actually feel something.
Crazy good post, lady!
@rdopping Good point Ralph! How would you know you could love unless you tried it? I guess we have no choice but to do the experiment! I love how you equate boring and vanilla. I'm not a fan of vanilla flavour! Give me a chocolate experience, preferably a dark chocolate one! Do they make dark chocolate ice-cream? Hmm... I've got to find out now!
Did you call me a crazy lady? Oh, crazy good POST. Happy Monday Ralph!
Maybe.
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@TheJackB Noncommittal. I like it.
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@TheJackB Oh no Jackl! Not after this post you wrote: you don't :p http://www.thejackb.com/2012/05/03/there-are-no-coincidences That post is pure poetry and pure romantic-I-believe-it-is-better-to-have-loved-and-lost-than-to-never-have-loved-at-all or I misread it. Did I ? :-)
@Lori @TheJackB Wasn't that a beautiful post by Jack, Lori? So, here's how I see Jack...Jack, you don't mind if I refer to you in the third person here while I analyze you, do you? No? Good! :-)
Jack has two "personalities". He has that crusty, slightly curmudgeon-y, slightly aloof outer shell. BUT, if you get to know him, his inside is all a gooey chocolate, sweet filling with softness and warmth. Jack allows his sweet chocolate filling to come out in his beautiful words....in his beautiful insights. And, if Jack allows you to hold him in your hand long enough....that crusty hard outer shell? Well, it just starts to melt and all you are left with is his gooey sweet center. He's kind of the M&M's of men! ;-)
xoxo
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS @TheJackB ...with a Cheshire grin at the moment, I'm guessing. ;-)
@Lori Ask @SocialMediaDDS I gave up romance for toys years ago.
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@TheJackB @Erin F. @Lori SURPRISE!!! I have something else to say!!! ;-)
So, Jack...here's my only suggestion about finding love (you asked for my opinion, right?) In that openness that you try to experience life with, instead of searching for the past love, take the love that you experienced from that past and loving relationship and let it help you as you move forward. Throwing out the key after a relationship failed is a momentary and visceral response. Once that moment is over, you need to remind yourself that you CAN find that love (and even BETTER) as you allow yourself to experience life openly. Now, I realize that I may be preaching to "Jack" when in reality "JACK" is fine. It's the curse of anonymity but...I was in the mood to share today ;-)
xo
@TheJackB Muddy the waters? You just AFFIRMED my case! You're a poet Jack and a poet will always choose love. Am I right @SocialMediaDDS @JustDwana @Late_Bloomers @Erin F. @Julie | A Clear Sign @Sabrina at MyMiBoSo @Sandi Amorim @TashaGosselin @galenpearl @Ken Wert @Rileyhar @bdorman264 ?
@Erin F. @Lori @SocialMediaDDS Here, let me muddy the waters
http://welovejack.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/the-dream/
http://welovejack.wordpress.com/2012/03/04/what-i-miss/
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@Lori @TheJackB @SocialMediaDDS I think he's being his usual devilish self. :D
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@TheJackB @SocialMediaDDS ???? Really? What's he talking about Claudia?
I LOVE love, being in love, loving friends, loving animals ... love love love... I have loved and lost, haven't we all - several times??? I additionally consider myself lucky to have found romantic love a few times. I take the good with the bad in love relationships because for me, it is worth it all to fall deeply in love with someone.
@JustDwana Hi Dwana! I'm so glad you stopped by Lori's place. I knew you would like it here. I love that you are able to realize the gift of the loves that you HAVE experienced a few times. Instead of regretting them, you are grateful for them. I feel the same way. Those experiences have the potential to help us grow and become even richer and deeper in our ability to love.
xoxo
Claudia
@JustDwana Hi Dwana and welcome to Life, for instance! You raise the other side of the "losing" issue - you can't lose that many times without first winning many times! LOL, I never thought of it that way! I like how you put it: "it is worth it all to fall deeply in love with someone" I agree! :-)
I'm on board with the loved-and-losters, Lori. It hurts to lose those we've lost, but the pain is just as present, just more dissipated throughout our lives if we avoid love to save ourselves from the pain of losing that love. Besides, those who grow up never extending themselves for fear of getting hurt grow up emotionally bent in some profound ways. We learn so much from the experience of loving and learning to cope and even thrive in the wake of the loss of it as well. When we reach out to love someone, we stretch ourselves. The wonderful thing is that when we relax back into ourselves after the love ends, we are permanently stretched, never to fully regain the shape and form of our former dimensions. Our hearts are bigger, our souls more complete, our lives touched by the love we received and extended. Just imagine a society of never-loved people. What a scary culture to visit, mush worse to live in.
Great post, Lori. And great to be back here with such wonderful people I've missed too!
@Ken Wert Hi Ken! Wow - this is poetry, which means you are a poet and you voted "yes"! I rest my case which states you've got to be a poet to see life in this way, at least in some part of your being. I love that you point out it is painful NOT to love, even if loving means losing and that after we extend ourselves we "are permanently stretched, never to fully regain the shape and form of our former dimensions." See? Poet! It would be a horrible world if everyone held back from risking their hearts. I never thought of it this way. Have you read the book, I believe it's a childrens book, The Giver? http://www.amazon.com/The-Giver-Newbery-Medal-Book/dp/B006J3Y20Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1336172675&sr=8-1 It pretty much describes that world - just click to "look in this book" at amazon!
Nice to see you again Ken!
Great reflections Lori...and I am on the same side as you. To experience and share love in its purest form is part of what I believe is our purpose here in these physical bodies. It's important to honor the pain we feel when experiencing loss, and then have enough compassion to gently let go to love again.
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo So well said Sabrina! Wait while I count...you're #12!
Oh I am SO in agreement with the "philosophy" that it is better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all...and, for me, that goes for all of my relationships. I am not (at least by my own viewing of myself) a superficial person...that said, the friends and loves (not lover-ERs BTW) that I am blessed with in my life are people that I cultivate a deep and satisfying relationship with (sorry for ending with a preposition @Erin F. ) . Superficial relationships are not satisfying to me. I would much rather risk the deep ache of a broken heart, whether it be over the loss of one of my animals, or the moving of a friend or the ending of a relationship. I really cherish the deep rich feelings that one gets as a result of a well tended relationship. And, if I can be mindful of living in the moment, the enjoyment is even more profound because I don't let my head go to "that place" that might scare me about the "end" of the relationship. I know in other languages, there are many many different ways to express feelings of love. In the English language, we are so limited. This frustrates me because I do relish sharing my warm feelings that I have for someone but, because "I love you" is so overused and somewhat trite, it just doesn't express the right sentiment. (did I just go off on some unrelated tangent?) ;-)
Great post @Lori ...as ALWAYS!!!
xo
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS @Erin F. @Lori cara Claudia, non ci credo! You are so well versed with words, and maybe other languages such as Italian seem to be more alluring because we attribute certain qualities / properties to it. Sorry, Lori, what was the topic again!
Wishing you all a beautiful weekend and do not miss out on hugging someone!
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@Late_Bloomers @SocialMediaDDS @Erin F. I don't know why you guys are so off topic today ;-) and I don't have time to sort this out - I have some lawn chairs that need a new coat of paint! ;-)
@Late_Bloomers @SocialMediaDDS @Erin F. Hold down the fort okay? :-)
@Late_Bloomers @SocialMediaDDS @Erin F. YES! they're comfortable! LOL And they're going to be gorgeous if the weather holds long enough for me to paint them! I'm off to don my old clothes! See you!
@Lori @SocialMediaDDS @Erin F. Go painting then ;-), are they comfortable? Just asking in case I am coming your way one of these days ...
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@SocialMediaDDS @Erin F. You did go off on a tangent, but I think there may be a guest post in there somewhere. What do you think? :-)
I'm all bravado when it comes to the theory, but when you're in the "loss" phase, as Erin is, it's not as easy to remember this WOULD be your choice, or was your choice. I guess it's part of what gives flavor to life, preventing a bland, tasteless one, but it's still challenging to be living the loss part and more fun to be living the love part!
About that guest post!?
@Lori @Erin F. hahaha....subtlety was never your strong suit ;-) I'm with Erin on the timing issue...I would LOVE to be a "guest" at your place again but, it definitely needs to be after the Open House! And, the "language of love" might be fun to tackle.
You are right...when you are feeling all raw and bruised by love lost, it is hard to keep in mind that this was a "choice" and that, at one time, we understood the "risk". But, I love how you put it..."gives flavor to life...preventing bland, tasteless" experiences. Give me spice any day. ;-)
@SocialMediaDDS @Erin F. The language of love it is! I'll contact you via email! Thanks Erin! She does a great job of this! Yay! She spices things up around here ;-)
@Lori @SocialMediaDDS I hereby declare myself the mouthpiece of Claudia and say "yes." Maybe after she's had the open house at the new office?
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@SocialMediaDDS @Lori Ha! Sometimes, ending with a preposition is the only way to go. I need to find my post about that. I also have one about the word "love." I should find that one, too, and throw it onto the editorial calendar.
Superficial relationships aren't enough for me, either.
Latest blog post: Why I Quit Triberr
I want to answer in the affirmative, but I think I'm still too close to my own heartbreak and have yet to fully get over the one who caused it. Of course, I could be wallowing in misery, which I hope I'm not. I don't want to be the person who holds onto a loss because it gives me a sense of privilege or something like that.
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@Erin F. Aw, sorry for your recent heartbreak Erin. It's hard to affirm the words of Tennyson when you're in this place. I admire how you refuse to hold onto loss for the sense of privilege. It's a powerful way to release yourself and move on.
@Lori Well, it's not that recent. It was just my first real heartbreak. I guess the loss feels different than the loss of good friends or pets. I've experienced both of those. This heartbreak was of a different sort altogether.
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@Erin F. Yes, I know. They are all different. Different flavours of life.
Dogs yes! Much better to have loved dogs and lost them than never to have had them. People? Not so sure. There are a few I can think of that I would have been better off leaving alone in the first place.
@galenpearl I just know there are a whole lot of stories hidden behind 'them there fighting words'! LOL I guess people relationships aren't as easy to replace as puppy ones? :-)
I don't think I've ever loved someone I've been in a relationship with. Of course I felt heartbreak before and felt love for them but I never truly wanted the relationship. In the end, I think I have some deep rooted relationship problems LOL
@Brandon Dean Hi Brandon! You've never experienced heartbreak. Have you read what everyone else is saying here? Not to worry when it happens. It all turns our okay! :-)
Hi Lori -- I'll side with Tennyson on this one. To me, lost romantic love is still worth it -- but only if you take the time to reflect on what you learned from that experience. Happy to say that in my case I learned a lot from one particular relationship that ended badly. It hurt a lot at the time but I also learned a lot more about what I was looking for -- and my next relationship turned into my marriage!
@Stephen Martin Hi Stephen! (#9) it's true we learn a lot from each relationship we've been in, even if it turns out to be a "loss". My mother used to say: there is always another guy right around the corner and sure enough finally I spotted THE one, right around a corner LOL One must never give up!
Hi Lori
If you are committed to living a full life then you have to accept that losing is part of the process.
Riley
@Rileyhar Hi Riley! If "full" means happy and sad, joy and grief then you are right. AND, you're number 8. We are not hearing any dissenting voices on this topic. :o
100% would rather have loved than lost! I would not trade away any of the heartbreaks I have gone through. The times when I have dealt with loss have been possibly the biggest growing experiences for me!
@TashaGosselin This place is not for the feint of heart! You are Number 7. Growing through grief? That makes two reasons we don't like loss, doesn't it? Growing pains are rarely fun while we're experiencing them.
Do you think you are a poet? I'd vote "yes".