Last summer we received some bad health news about someone in my family. My first response was shock followed by sadness then I sank into a feeling of helplessness. When I shared this with a friend he asked, “Why do you feel helpless?”
It seemed to me an insane question. Wasn’t the answer obvious? Of course I felt helpless! I cared and there was nothing I could do to help!
It took me some time to realize the question was not only not insane, but insightful. It was more complex than “Why do you feel helpless?” It was; “Why do you feel you need to help?” It was; ”Why is it your job to fix this?” It was; “Why are you carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?”
The worst part was; I had no answers. I assumed anyone would feel this way in the same situation, but I was wrong.
So I asked myself: why do I feel this way, and went searching for the answer.
I found it buried deep in my childhood. Most answers, in my experience, can be found there. I sifted through the memories that presented themselves to me, discovered the root of the feeling and yanked it out. I acknowledged the fact that my brain had become wired to feel responsible for the happiness of others, which logically resulted in a state of helplessness when I felt doomed to fail in this. I began the process of changing my brain.
As a parent I’m inclined to “carry” my children even though they are full-grown adults. It’s a habit. But I’m learning to catch myself more and more and remind myself that they are perfectly capable of handling whatever they have to deal with in life.
I have to set them down and in doing so I lift them up in confidence. They don’t need me to bear their weight – they can shoulder their own burdens. We all can, right? We just need to know we’re not alone; that there is someone there willing to listen to us and try to understand.
We don’t have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. The weight of one life is enough.
Do you ever feel as if you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?
photo credit: Nanny Snowflake
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Hi Lori,
Thank you for your post. It was very insightful. I too feel the obligation/need to help others when they are in trouble or come to me with their problems.
Anyway, this article was an eye opener for me. So thank you so much.
Hi Lori, thank you for this post. It was very insightful!
I too feel like it is my duty to help others, when they come to me with their problems. I was the oldest child, a girl, in a pretty dysfunctional family and unconsciously taking over the duties and responsibilities that were my parents responsibility. Anyway, thanks, it was eye opening for me. Forgive my English, I'm from Belgium, so it's not my mother language :)
Hi NIki! I hear what you;re saying. I think the oldest child in a family (I am one) may be more likely to carry the weight for others. It's a relief, isn't it, to put the world down ;-)
Welcome to Life, for instance! Your English is just fine :-)
Latest blog post: How Do You Manage Grief?
Hi Allan. It seems that you have faced difficult life experience so far. Having financial responsibilities for your parents is a stressful burden to bare. Now you are more aware of this and it's impact on you despite the strength developed by living a difficult life and realising that others can take advantage of your kindness and strong sense of responsibility to your parents. You are realising that it is time to lessen the financial burden you feel imposed upon you by circumstances and your nature to want to help your parents.
Find out about any statutory help available for housing and living costs for your parents, as you cannot be expected to bare these alone for too long. Let your parents know how you feel about the situation and how it is undermining your sense of well being. If they think you are being selfish, remind them of your financial situation and limitations so they do not take you too much for granted in meeting their support needs.
Your feelings of hopelessness will diminish as you pro-actively deal with this situation in an open way.
Gradually, in time, your situation can change and you can have family relationships of mutual love and support that you have previously had less of, if you decide this is what you want and need to live a more fulfilling life of give and receive - the basic process of sustaining life like breathing in and out to maintain life.
@Paul Sanyasi thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. But living in the third world is difficult for my Mother has no benefits to live for from the government. My father will have his Pension benefits next year, by october maybe. now my eldest sibling needs money for her check up, i have nothing to give, i want to help, but i have nothing left for me either. it's just painful. i really don't know how to deal with these problems, which are not mine personally. i am a happy go lucky person, i dont need money that much, i can live by for just 3 dollars a day i'm happy already. But people around me give me their problems. i don't know what to do. i plan of finding a high paying Job so i can support them all, i actually dont think of my self that much because, for now, i have no problems my self. but its them. for now, all i can do is keep holding on even if i have nothing left to grasp. i still believe that everyday i wake up is a blessing and an opportunity to atleast feel happy, even for a minute. hopeless hopes of mine. but anyway, this is my life, lucky are those who are not me. some people dont think of what they have now. if you think you're problems are bigger than anyone else, think of me, mine is much bigger, then you'll feel blessed somehow. why does money have to be so important? why cant they work for their needs? why do they have to bother me, why now? when i was studying no one helped me, i worked hard for my self, i asked them, they had nothing to offer, but now they cling to me, like they are my resposibilities. i feel guilty saying this, but the burden is stressing me out, i just want to get out of this situation, i am not selfish, but this is too much. people around me are inconsiderate, they dont care. they dont even ask if i am fine or what. do they know that i also feel tired, lonely (since i am working far from them) and sad? i give them money but they can't even call me, yes they sms me, but calling no? why? i'm like an atm to them. third world problems. i'm starting to dislike my situation. my life sucks!
@allan19842012 @Paul Sanyasi Ah Allan, all your answers are in your questions! You already know the answers. It isn't they who make you feel guilty - you do it to yourself. I get that. I know someone who suffered the same feelings, similar situation - never got help and then the people who never offered it asked for help. It doesn't seem fair, but maybe "fair" is not a relevant word here. Maybe the word to explore is boundaries. How can we be upset when someone violates a boundary we neither defined or defended. Maybe it's easy for me to say this because I'm not in your situation, but (yes, but!) defining and defending boundaries has played a helpful role in my life. Look into it, okay?
Latest blog post: Do You Take Shelter In Your Thoughts?
@allan19842012 @Paul Sanyasi They "should" understand, yes, they should know, but all those shoulds hurt you, not them. I have a "coach" whose work I love - Byron Katie. She says all our problems stem from believing in our thoughts. You have a number of thoughts which keep you paralyzed, stuck in this pattern which is draining you. What if you looked at it differently? I highly recommend spending time on her site: http://www.thework.com/index.php
You could also GOOGLE "YouTube Byron Katie" and see her in action. It's really simple and extremely powerful stuff! She's a beautiful, wise lady!
Latest blog post: Do You Take Shelter In Your Thoughts?
@Lori @Paul Sanyasi you are right Lori, i never gave them any boundaries of unto what extent i can help them. but at their age and knowing that everyone of us had gone through the same situations in life, they should know what i feel, they dont :(
somehow i have a mistake too, by giving them right away what they need, so they abuse me. i know the problem could be myself, but can't people realize and cant they feel a little shame? they never helped me before, like never ever :(
thank you for your response :) you're very quick hihi
I just wanna cry :'( I'm 27, and I'm a bread winner in the family (I'm the youngest in 3 siblings, 2 eldest girls & 1 boy, I'm the boy). Coming from an impoverished family, I worked hard so I could finish my education, hard as in hard, like there were instances when I go to school, I still have spaghetti sauce on my shoulders, because I had to work part time so I could continue my education in college, in which, the privilege of getting into college was because of a working student scholarship, which I passed. I have to spend 4 hours of my day every school day at school, working.while growing up, I never had this happy happy life, I was malnourished when I was a kid. We could only have expensive toys if the garbage truck drops the garbage in the mini landfill infront of our house. perhaps, those toys were from the rich kids in the rich enclaves behind our 3rd world world.
so, after I finished my education, even while studying, I never stopped bringing money and food to the house. now my parents are old, they separated, my mom lives in an apartment, which I pay, my dad lives in our old house (which we only squat), which he will be kicked out soon, because the people who bought the land, wants the property ASAP. So, my dad will be homeless in no time and he can't live with my mom because they don't go with each other, this means I have to pay for two separate rents every month. I have to give two separate allowances for them. I don't earn much, I could barely eat my self. on top of that, my eldest sister had a seizure which we found out to be aneurysm. Aneurysm has expensive medicine and whatever, I just feel so down and hopeless, because everytime they need something, it's me right away, I felt neglected by the people around me, whom I hope could atleast help me. I can't always give what everybody needs because I have my own life to deal with. what would I do, when I grow old (hopefully I could reach my golden years, with all these never ending obstacles I have in life) and I do not have money for myself, I want to tell them face to face, I don't want one day I'll just surrender and finish everything. what I am afraid of is, they might not understand me, they might think I am selfish. To be honest, my dad never cared while I was growing up. I have to bleed myself dry so he could give me allowance and money for school requirements (which he rarely provided).
Funny how life works, people who barely cared about you when you were nobody, are those gonna suck you dry when you have something later on. I used to be kid whom nobody cares about. but now that I have work, it seems like everyone depends on me. what I don't understand is, why my mother doesn't understand my situation. She must know how hard it is for me to be in this situation. if they are separated, then I have to tend both of them, I felt like I am cursed or something, or maybe this is my karma because I was bad in my past life, or whatever is the plan for me, if I will live this life full of misery like it's never ending, please take it back, I never signed up for this. I am not requesting for a very grand, luxurious life or whatever, I just want an equal share of problems and responsibilities because I can not take it anymore. I feel stressed everyday thinking how to get by everyday I wake up. sometimes I wonder if until when is this life be, if life is all misery, then what's the purpose of all these? everyone has problems, but why do I have to be involved in Everyone's problem and when i have, no one is beside me. if you say that these problems are given so we could learn, some people learned too much already, can't we atleast have a break? is it too much to ask? well, sometimes you have a break for a day, then problem comes again. usually not yours, usually those are problems of people associated to you. so I realized that I would take those people out of my life instead. they can not realize that i have my own things to deal with, I am not selfish, I give voluntarily because I have enough, if you see I give, then you ask from me again, that's too much. Sometimes, before you ask for help, you have to examine the situation, you have to exhaust everything in your resources and you have to put yourself in the one you're asking help from. I guess some people are so dependent, they don't exhaust 101% of their efforts.
lucky are those I helped, but I kept on thinking... who would be there if I'll be the one who'll need help? I can't even save money because I have to parents to attend to, parents who do not cooperate in the situation. They do not realize that I am the only one providing their needs. they don't understand, they don't cooperate, it means, they don't love me, because they don't care. all I dream is a happy family, i never had that. my parents always, as in always fought every day and every night and every morning (like from 4AM onwards) I am not making up stories, when they were together, they fought everyday, they shout to each other and it's so shameful to our neighbors.
I don't understand why am I even experiencing these hola bollas in life, but thanks to those experiences i had while growing up, somehow it made me who I am now. If I were not strong, I would not be able to survive life in the process. I just don't know why i have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders? yes it's good because it will make you look responsible, but some people will take advantage of that. I really hope the people in my family, would consider my situation before it's too late. I am working overseas, so I am not near them. Last time i went back home, after four years of working overseas, my mother didn't even bother to cook dinner. after 4 years of absence, i expect there could atleast be something prepared for me at her apartment, like a viand to eat with rice since maybe i am tired of the travel, but nothing, I appreciate her effort of picking me up at the airport, that's great, because she's old already and she managed to pick me up. somehow I don't feel the love from her. Before my flight home, i gave her money, maybe enough until i reach home, so i wonder why there was no food prepared, i am not expecting a grand buffet, even a can of sardines is enough, better than really nothing.
my life sucks. I don't even know why am I still alive. yes people are happy because i helped them, but i am not. because most of them are taking advantage of my kindness. they will barrow money and they will not live up to their promises, which will put me in a situation. i'm tired. i'm very tired already. i am so used, like a dump cloth. Money is a 3rd world problem, people will use you and take advantage of your kindness, their burden will be yours now, that's what i don't like with some people. Some people make me dislike people itself. Some people developed my loss of trust.
thank you. somehow i felt light that i was able to share to you my life. until we read again :)
@allan19842012 Allan, first of all, kudos on your courage to share this openly and revealing so much of your story with our community.
I am feeling intuitively called to mention that there are amazing free or low cost resources at your disposal, and if you haven't yet worked with a licensed therapist, I highly recommend it. There used to be a myth that therapists were only for people who were "troubled" but we now know that therapists can also be an absolute blessing to anyone who needs support through difficult times of grief, trauma, and change.
I am not a licensed therapist but am experienced as a life coach and intuitive theta healer, and as such have a unique perspective to share that may help you in addition to any further support you might seek.
Firstly, the word selfish is often misunderstood. To be self-centered in fact can be one of the most empowering actions you can take in life if done with love. In fact, just as you have shown through your story, the effects of not being self-centered can often lead to pain and resentment.
Put simply: It's quite difficult to truly help another when you are struggling to help yourself. Financially - and emotionally - it is vital that you find a balance where you are able to release the need to fully carry another, even if that other person is your parent (or in your case parents). Empower them by helping them get in touch with resources that will relieve the burden from being fully on you and you alone. And most importantly empower yourself knowing that you are worthy of a life filled with joy of YOUR choosing.
In order to choose your own joy, you will need to release any resentments you feel toward your parents. We cannot control the actions, thoughts, feelings or another, but you can put conscious awareness toward your own, so release the need for any specific response from then, and simply forgive them for being human and doing the best they could with what they had at the time.
Take it ONE step at a time...bit by bit, and little by little. Enlist support (as you have already done here, but even more specifically with a coach or counselor who can help you navigate the next steps). And above all else, choose love. Toward yourself, toward your parents, toward your siblings who haven't helped as much as you would like...this will be the source of your power as you learn to handle any circumstance with more ease and grace.
I'll leave you with one last insight - the below is a video from the oldest living Holocaust survivor. If anyone understands "painful circumstances," it is Alice Sommer Herz. She always reminds me that no matter our circumstances, we have the freedom of choice in all things, and it might not always be easy, but it is always possible to choose love as "everything is a present:"http://youtu.be/g5VTkQKgxkY
Sending so much love to you on your journey!
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo hi Sabrina! :)
i am listening to her now :) http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xoozq5_alice-sommer-hertz-le-pouvoir-de-la-musique_webcam?search_algo=2 this one right? it's very good :) somehow i feel so uplifted :)
thank you very much for your effort, and thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for introducing me to this lady :) she's an inspiration :)
i'll try and find help to ease my depression :) thank you very much for your advise yeah! :)
much love,
Allan
@allan19842012 Allan, yes that's her! In French (which I don't speak) but the same message no matter what language you hear it in.
I'm so happy that Alice's message is also helping you lift just a bit out of the heaviness you feel!
And that's the beginning - once you remember what it feels like to experience that ease and a new perspective, you have begun to train your brain to seek it out more rather than the heavier feelings that were weighing you down before.
Have a beautiful day!
Sabrina
@allan19842012
Matthew 7:21-23
New International Version (NIV)
True and False Disciples
21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’
This a famous story from the bible it concerns the crucial aspect of motivation. According to this story if you do the right thing for the wrong motivation it is evil it is bad and in the end no good will come of it . If it starts out wrong it has no choice but to end wrong . Garbage in Garbage out. pretty simple logic . The hard part is what is the right thing and what is the right motivation. According to your story it sounds to me like you are living your life according to what the world has taught you and what the world has taught you is turning out to be not true . Let me let you in on a very well kept secret the only thing that a human being really cares about in life is love if you could follow every idea you ever had to its beginning you would find out that it started with the need to be love. Right now you are not feeling a lot of love and you are living a life of a 1000 deaths as what you are putting your trust in keeps passing away. You need to start to put your trust in love and let it be your guide this will take practice since your mind has been trained to pay attention to fear. Fear tells you that their is no love but the spirit of fear is a liar and can not be trusted ever he may sound very reasonable but he is always lying because all he is interested in doing is producing more fear. So the only way out is to resit the spirit of fear and look to love for guidance for the right motivation for the truth. It is a matter of the heart not the mind it will take practice to train the mind to listen to the heart . Start out small start by loving and appreciating yourself not for what you do but because you are lovable . I have found that it is a big help to have a friend who loves me more then I love myself show up and love on me. His name is the holy ghost and Jesus died so that he might be available to everyone. For myself I do not think I could have pulled myself out of despair with out his help. This is my testimony because what I have said has been tested by me and found to be true.
Love you Allan do not let the spirit of fear steel your love which I can see is very great
@johncharlesowens
hi John,
thank you very much for you time in responding to me :)
i just wanna cry all day long, and hope this thing ends, i can't even put my depression in words right now. i feel so down and i feel so burried deep into the ground that i can not breath anymore. i had too much at a very young age, no one cares, good thing you all care, your words and thoughts somehow tell me that their are people out there willing to listen to me, i hope good karma will be on your way all. thank you for somehow making me feel lighter.
i just wanna cry :( reading all your responses made me cry :( i still wish that i can get over this and i wish that when i get over this, everyone in my family is still ok and happy and healthy. i love them, but they must love me back and think of all the sacrifices i have done for them :(
thanks! i love you too man! thank you for the response, keep helping, many people will be uplifted by you all :)
@allan19842012 This seems odd to me. On one hand you have family; family always sticks together. As the responsible one in the family, the one who is trying to make something of his life and has earning ability, it's very admirable that you take the responsibility to support them.
The love and support of family is what life is if all about. They encourage you, support you, feed you and love you, unconditionally.
BUT, if they take you for granted, take from you without much appreciation, don't celebrate your life, don't show the appreciation for the sacrifices you make, don't shower you with love and care that binds family together, I WOULD KICK THEM TO THE CURB.
It sounds like they need a personal and up-close meeting with God and reality.
God makes a way for every living soul on the planet. Rich, poor, it doesn't matter - He is the provider, not you. Regardless if you acknowledge it, appreciate it, or even aware of it, it doesn't matter. It's a fact.
God has things under control, stop trying to live up to being something your not and start living what you were created for... HINT; Being unappreciated and walked on like a carpet is not one of them.
If I were you, I would move on and never look back, unless they call you over for dinner to apologize.
Other than that, get out of the mindset you're in NOW. Do something about it. Start living and stop existing. The life you could be living is being sucked out of you everyday and if you stay on this track, it may just kill you.
You have now a choice, not that you didn't have before, I just didn't hear it in your voice. Make a decision not to be a carpet any longer.
Your life and the quality thereof is in your hands, dictated by the decisions you make. You live the quality of life you do now because OF DECISIONS YOU MAKE.
Make better decisions starting today.
@Mark_Harai hi Mark :) ,
thank you for the thoughts, good ;)
i really would like to just get out of this situation, but i kept on thinking about them. i think that walking out of this is like throwing them away. i actually don't know what to do with my situation. i would also feel bad just by thinking that they have nothing to eat since they rely on me. my parents' ages are 60+ both of them. they're really old to work. but other members of my family do not consider that i have responsibility to my parents. they also join forces in asking money from me. in where i came from, children are bound to the thought that when we have work, we have to take care of our parents, that's why that idea has not gone out of my mind. it's very different in your country. depression is eating me alive. i don't know what to do.
my problems will end only if i die or they die, that's harsh, but that's how i view it now. if i die, then they have no one left to depend on, they will starve, so somehow i don't want to die. if they die, then i have no one to be with :( i'm going to be lonelier, so i dont want them to die. my life sucks, that's just that. i want to get out of this situation, but i dont even know how :(
i appreciate your words for me :) thank you very much! as long as i write back, that means i am not surrendering with life :)
@allan19842012 Hi Allan, Aw! Your story is heartbreaking! The whole time I was reading I was thinking, "I wish I had an answer for him!" but I don't! How do you feel when you read it? Sometimes when I write down what I'm feeling, or type it out at a keyboard, I gain clarity. All I can think is this; it is enough to carry one life. It's so hard to carry three.
I'm hoping @johncharlesowens or @J.D. Meier or @Hajra or @Julie | A Clear Sign or @Sabrina at MyMiBoSo or @Mark_Harai or @SocialMediaDDS or @Steve_Rice or @TheJackB or @Paul Sanyasi or @blogaks or @rshin will be able to provide more wisdom than I have.
Latest blog post: Will You Walk a Mile in My Shoes?
@Lori @johncharlesowens @J.D. Meier @Hajra @Julie | A Clear Sign @Sabrina at MyMiBoSo @Mark_Harai @SocialMediaDDS @Steve_Rice @TheJackB @Paul Sanyasi @blogaks @rshin
Hi Allan here,
Thank you for your response :) all i feel right now is self pity. why of all the people, why me? my life has never been happy. when i was on the process of approaching happiness, it stops not even halfway but at the beginning. i don't know. i have faith in God, i never back out from him, i still hope that one day, i will be happy, happy as what i picture it to be.
i want to show them how i feel, but i am thinking of how would they feel after. if i show them that i am tired and i can not do this anymore, i think their hearts will be broken, and i can not bear that. seeing them sad and crying hurt me the most. but i am already very tired of everything that's going on around me, and to add their own miseries to my own, is too much than too much :(
Well life is a burden whether you are sitting pretty on the throne in your castle, or sitting hungry on a cardboard box on the sidewalk. Physical burdens span the spectrum of colors and one is helpless to bear that burden which largely depends upon circumstance - but what of psychological/emotional burdens? The question for me is not why we try to shoulder the burdens of the world, but why do we not SEE that we are not even shouldering our own burden? I have to ask myself, what is a burden? If I am physically sick then it's a physical burden to get up, to take care of children, to do my everyday duties, to survive. But to bear this burden one has no choice, one has to survive in the physical world. But what happens when on top of that burden, which is as it IS, I begin to complain from within: "oh this is terrible, I'm too tired, I'm too sick, why is this happening to me, why is life so hard, I'm so unlucky? etc" - Now the burden has more than just doubled. I have brought the physical burden into the psycholgoical/emotional realm. Now I am looking to escape my burden by going to the next moment, getting to the next stage, looking forward to recovery, to pain killers, to whatever will ease MY MIND....yes, the burden is actually in my mind isn't it? More than anything else the burden of life is my inability to be reconciled with the Present moment, which is really the only actual moment of existence. There doesn't even have to be any physical pain to feel burdened, all there has to be is the THOUGHT of LIFE as a BURDEN. Given that my mind insists on perceiving the Present moment as a burden it is no wonder that it drifts to the next and says things like, "I will be happy when I have done this, or things will get better only when that gets resolved". Therefore, the mind first creates the burden and then tries to escape the very burden it created! So actually we are NOT shouldering the BURDEN OF LIFE because we are not here NOW to shoulder it! We are not here NOW to accept it, to face it...rather, we are constantly escaping that burden and adding to it 100 fold by escaping. What is boredom if not the thought of boredom? What is anxiety if not anxious thoughts? What is depression if not depressing thoughts? Suffering/burden is the result of our inability to simply BE here and NOW without wanting something else, or somewhere else. If I am in physical pain then I am in physical pain, but why must I be in psychological pain as well? Simply accept the pain, be the pain. Otherwise, suffering and burden will remain the lot of mankind, as will his violent backlash against what he perceives to be his sorry luck. Great topic as usual Lori :-)
@rshin WOW!! This was profound and so well said Rula! It is worthy of a number of re-reads. It always comes back to being present...authentically living in the now. Your insight is beautiful Thank you for sharing!! I agree with @Lori ...you would be an awesome guest post-er!
@SocialMediaDDS @rshin @Lori Too kind of you. Though the pain of failure remains. Knowing is much different than BEING. I appreciate the optimism :-)
@SocialMediaDDS @rshin And we'll find out if we're both right - tomorrow! ;-)
Latest blog post: Will You Walk a Mile in My Shoes?
@rshin Hi Rula! So well said. (We need to get you to do a Guest Post for LFI!) I love how you say it is all in the mind which isn't able to stay in the present moment (doesn't remember to) and that acceptance is the only way to relinquish the burden. There is no escape but acceptance, which is like an escape hatch, don't you think? ;-)
Have I understood you?
Latest blog post: What Do We Really Know About Health?
@Lori
Yes, in a sense you're right. We associate the end of suffering or lifting of burden with 'escape' - but actually where would one escape to? There really isn't anywhere to go, there is only NOW (Life exists nowhere else, ever). You see, the burden is never HERE and NOW, it's always "there" and "then" (the burden is there in the thought,, in the desire to escape, in the non-acceptance). To escape from escape is to remain NOW, Present - to ACCEPT is just this, to stop escaping...that is the only way to BE otherwise the escape is itself the CAUSE of conflict, the cause of feeling burden. Escape is the opposite of acceptance. In escaping the present moment one is not accepting what IS, and in not accepting one feels pain and conflict, thus in escaping one creates a burden and then tries to escape the burden one has created...but there is no burden as such from which to escape, not NOW. As for LFI, I would be honored Lori.
@Lori
Sounds good :-)
@rshin Yes, acceptance is a tall order! Maybe you could do your guest post on that? Send me an email - lori@nb.sympatico.ca so I can send you the Guest Post Guidelines Rula! And we'll go from there! Yay!
Latest blog post: What Do We Really Know About Health?
It is so interesting how we can find answers within our childhood for much of what we experience in life. I have carried a heavy weight because I was expected to...at least that's how it felt. I was told a lot of things were my fault including the problems in my parent's marriage. But no more.
@Michele Bergh Hi Michele! Welcome to Life, for instance! Yes, childhood is the gold mine for answers to today's habits and beliefs! Have you ever read Evolve Your Brain by Joe Dispenza or even The Primal Scream (an old one but still relevant for the background in psychology) by Arthur Janov. [Note: I just looked on Amazon and he has a number of interesting books I just added to my Wish List]When we see how even small things have large effects on us in childhood, it boggles the mind but also gives you a place to start. Children take in so much more than we know, and SO much more than they knew even a generation back!
> “Why are you carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?”
Beautiful question.
For me, I learned early on to be a guardian and defender of the weak, and to help those that can't help themselves. That said, I'm a fan of Ken Blanchard's point about not taking on other people's monkeys ... instead, teach others to fish, and help them deal with their monkeys ... it's more sustainable and it scales. It's also a great way to empower others in an exponential way.
I think challenges we take on become "burdens" when we feel we "have to" instead of "choose to" so I'm careful when I decide what or how much of the weight of the world to take on.
@J.D. Meier Hi J.D.! Thanks for introducing a viable and sensible alternative to carrying other peoples burdens - I love this: "it's more sustainable and it scales" ;-) So you choose to help those who can't help themselves. It's an admirable quality to be a defender of the weak. This has to take some what of a toll on your life, though? How do you keep from becoming drained by these efforts?
Oh my @Lori ...what a profound post! I'm not sure that I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders per se. But I DO feel completely responsible for the entire world's happiness ;-) At least that is what it feels like to me. I don't necessarily feel burdened by this responsibility but, in my aging wisdom, I realize the futility and ridiculousness of this task. I too can find that time in my childhood where I discovered that making people happy (and keeping them happy) made for a happy environment. It was a lesson that I think was ingrained into my psyche because no matter that I know it's source and futility, I still try to keep everyone happy. I am most comfortable when I am around happy, laughing light hearted people. If I am around depressed people, I feel compelled to make them feel better. I don't do this in an insensitive manner...I don't crack jokes when it isn't appropriate. Sometimes it means listening to them, letting them vent, etc., but my ultimate goal is to hear them or see them look/feel better. Unrealistic much of the time. So, I'm not sure, despite my knowing the source, that I can change that desire in me. It's as if I walk around with a mood barometer to assess the mood level in each place I go and then act accordingly to make the mood happier. Sigh...;-)
xoxox
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS Hi Claudia! Perhaps you have discovered a common root of this carrying-the-world dis-ease! "making people happy (and keeping them happy) made for a happy environment." We all like to be around happy people, I think! Maybe, though, some of us are more inclined to pick up the feelings of others - empathetic people (like me, like you?) and so an unhappy environment is more of a project than a setting.
I remember reading somewhere that sometimes we get so caught up in fighting the alligators that we completely forget our initial goal of draining the pond. Is that what we do? We work on making something different when if we could hold our own vibration, as @DeliberateBlog would say, theirs would raise to meet us. I tend to pick up the energies of others. I never before saw that as one of my motives for helping people. Can you relate to this?
Hi Lori,
In my opinion, some weight of the world falls on our shoulder by default and some is take by us. Being a mother is a weight you need to bear while caring for a friend is because of your inherent nature. I had recently lost an uncle of mine to cancer. He was a great man and sadly passed away early. That is life for us, imperfect . We need to be strong and move on even if loss of a single friend can hurt us badly.
@blogaks Hi Ashvini! Interesting - we don't always have a choice. @Vidya Sury says something similar. Some of the weight is given to us and some we take voluntarily. It's true.I'm sorry for your loss of your uncle. You have a tough-minded attitude towards life. I like that. "We need to be strong and move on" Yes, we do.
What a thought-provoking question, @Lori . In the circumstances I grew up, there was no choice - we had to share responsibilities, sometimes more than we could handle. There were occasions when it was not enjoyable, but over time, certain things become habit. I realized I enjoyed "carrying the weight" and soon got labeled dependable. I also tend to take it on voluntarily, but have no regrets. I've learned that the important thing is not to intrude in the name of "help" and also know to let go. It is good to let it be known that one is "there", allowing others to be independent and giving them a choice. And of course, many times, a warm hug does so much more than anything else. Mommy/Grandma worries about children eating on time, returning home safe, are all positive stuff. That being said, I do feel responsible for the happiness of others to an extent, and like it. Loved Julie's comment about "Caring without Carrying"
@Vidya Sury Hi Vidya! Thanks for sharing your perspective on this topic. You learned to be dependable as a child and you enjoy it! So you are fortunate that you haven't experienced a time when the weight was too much for you. Or maybe you're just very tough and strong? ;-) Good for you! Yes, caring without carrying. @Julie | A Clear Sign says it well with those words. This is what you do?
What an insightful question, Lori! I'm like you...I would just feel that way automatically! But stopping long enough to ask the question made me realize that I'm not everyone's savior. I can't be. I can only stress myself out trying...and the worst part is that when I'm focused on trying to save someone from their drama, I block my mind and creativity and love from what it is I truly *can* do or offer. Loved this post.
@Steve_Rice I like the way you put that Steve - "I can't be everyone's savior." Do you think we block our own creativity when we focus on other peoples dramas? It makes sense. I'll have to take a look at that in my life. We're of no real good to someone when we become a part of their drama, are we?!
Hi Lori
We may not be able to carry the cares of the world but we can let our light shine for free, it does not cost us anything and is in fact the only way to increase our candle power . All people really only need to believe that they are loved unconditionally to be happy. When we allow our unconditional love to be seen by others they are transformed and we are transformed this is all that we can really do. I believe that it is enough. If we could all trade in our conditional fears for unconditional love, joy and peace what a different world it would be each one is responsible for themselves in this process . When we place conditions on what we do for others we set ourselves up for disappointments and we stress out the other person because conditions are always based in fear we think that we are protecting ourselves but the only real protection is only doing things out of love for free.
@johncharlesowens Well said John! "If we could all trade in our conditional fears for unconditional love, joy and peace what a different world it would be each one is responsible for themselves in this process ."
I never thought of fear as conditional before, but I guess it is - as opposite to unconditional love as it can be.
Thanks for this!
Hi Lori,
I LOVE that image! This is off-subject but that is what I am sure I look like when I have done too many intuitive readings and I have to go lay down :) Part of the reason why I am soon changing it up and not giving readings per se anymore.
Yes, I am guilty. I do sometimes carry other people's stuff, but that is what empaths do naturally so it's more a matter of spiritual hygiene than anything else. You can CARE without CARRYING. It's kind of a tough lesson for some of us but actually can help more and you will yourself be healthier and feel better if you can not hold it within. Or at least that is what it seems like to me as I am learning.
@Julie | A Clear Sign Hi Julie! You're cutting back on your readings, stopping them? Really?
It must be challenging to be an empath. Sometimes I wonder where I am on the scale. It's not fun to "pick something up" and not realize it's not yours. Much like carrying the weight of the world! I like your distinction - you can care without carrying. To me there were one and the same :-o
By the way, with the new Livefyre Beta 3 you can actually edit your comments, I think. I see the "Edit" link after all of them - do you see it?
@Lori I see it when I'm typing, but don't see it when it's already posted? Just delete. Yes I am changing everything and working more on Intuitive Development when I release my course.
@Julie | A Clear Sign That's funny - I can see the "Edit" buttons beneath each comment. It would seem funny - me editing your comment LOL Livefyre is still in beta with this so I'm sure things will continue to change.
Change is good - right! :-) Good luck with your course. When do you release it?
YOU can actually help more, is what I meant :)
The more you care, the more weight you tend to carry on your shoulders. I believe caring people are what keep the world on balance : )
@Mark_Harai Wow - I love the different thoughts on this! You are willing to shoulder it Mark? You and @TheJackB and @bdorman264 can carry my share and @Erin F. 's and @CorinneRodrigues 's and @Late_Bloomers and @BetsyKCross and @Sabrina at MyMiBoSo and @annedreshfield 's ;-)
Seriously, though. It's not completely down the middle, @Rileyhar agreed with the girls and me but do you think it's a gender thing generally-speaking? Or could it be that women do it too much and need a break!?
@Lori I think there are awesome men and women who make incredible contributions to our society... Having said that, I think there are certain strengths women possess that men can't replace... So no, women can't have a break!
I've always tried very, very hard to make other people happy, and I've been like that ever since I was young. I don't know if I just craved the attention I got from pleasing others, or if I've always been tuned into how my actions affect others...either way, I grew up, and found that I was often overcome with stress and worry about others. My family often reminds me that I can't please everyone (and i honestly shouldn't have to). It's a work in progress, definitely. I don't want to become apathetic, but I need to know when to stop worrying for and about others, particularly when it's negatively impacting my life!
@annedreshfield Hi Anne! Those are two good reasons for carrying the weight of the world. Both, as you say, likely start in childhood.I know what you mean by the fear of becoming apathetic, but I don't think that happens. I did experience the pendulum swinging too far for a while. It was hard to know who to help and when to keep away. I think it's more balanced now. As @BetsyKCross says, wait to be asked. It definitely is a work in progress! Do you think you'll feel guilty when you set the world down?
@Lori I like that -- "wait to be asked." I like to let my friends and loved ones know that I'm there for them, but I'm human...I can't be there every second! It's so much easier on both of us if they ask first. Then I can focus my attention on them exclusively.
I think that I might feel guilty for a few moments, but again, I'll remember that I'm human. We can't carry all of the weight on our shoulders...we'd buckle under it!
@annedreshfield Yes, we'd buckle. Plus it's not our job to carry someone else's weight, except to maybe lend a shoulder from time to time. We live....we learn ;-)