I wasn’t very assertive in the past. I never enjoyed confrontation (does anyone?) so I avoided situations which would have challenged me to confront. I’m much more assertive today than I used to be but I’m not sure how it happened. It’s something I’m recognizing in retrospect, as in, “Hey – I really held my ground back there!”
For instance, recently I made a phone call to place an order for the cords for our Terra Cotta Pendants. I had a credit with the company for two spools of cord because there had been a problem with two spools in the last batch we ordered. The company had offered to mail the two spools right away but I said they could just wait and include them with our next order.
When I told the customer service representative about this and asked for the two spools to be added to my order the fellow looked at my file and said we had a credit for $36.00. The problem was; I had purchased those two in a bulk order which had given me a discounted price but now I was placing a smaller order which meant I would get the regular price and $36.00 was not going to give me two spools at the regular price.
I held my ground. “I don’t want $36.00,” I said, “I want two spools.”
Twice, as I continued to insist, he left the phone to consult someone in the accounting department. Finally he came back to the phone and explained what they were willing to do for me. He was in fact telling me I could have the two spools free but he said it in such a convoluted way that he earned my polite-yet-firm explanation (rant? nah!) about how long we had been with the company etc. etc. etc. before he found a way to explain it more clearly.
I felt good. I hadn’t backed down, but I hadn’t been obnoxious or even loud about it – just firm and insistent.
Are you assertive? How did you learn to be? Have you ever had to raise your voice or leave your comfort zone to drive home your point? Fight or flight: how do you handle confrontation?
photo credit: William Warby
Article by 
No hard and fast rules for me Lori.
I read some of the comments here and there is a ton of deep thinking going on. I tend to live my life a little closer to the surface but still have a bit of a keen sense when something is off. For me it's simply about asking. If I don't ask for something I will never get it. Sure, it's simple but simple is good.
Standing my ground is a bit different to me and it really depends on the situation. Not a good answer other that I am a pick your battles kind of guy. You can't win them all but you have to win the ones important to you.
Latest blog post: Who are you? Can these 9 questions define your narrative?
@rdopping Yeah, nothing is simply black or white, isn't it Ralph ;-) I'm with you on choosing the battles. Isn't it refreshing and liberating to walk away from a battle you've deemed not important enough to invest your time and energy in?
Latest blog post: What Does it Mean to be Charitable?
I love standing tall and strong. But my mind feels genuinely confused when a wall of someone else's emotion comes my way, even if the emotion that emanates from them is plainly sef-assurance and strength in their position. I freeze.
But, big but, my gut ALWAYS knows where I stand. I'm practicing using the words that I feel in my gut. It's hard for me to trust it though. But it's the only way for me to get stronger and overcome my emotional reactions that stop me cold!
@BetsyKCross Hi Betsy! I like how you describe confrontation in energetic terms. Or is it emotional terms, but then again emotion is an expression of energy, isn't it? Am I digressing :o It's true though, a strong blast of energy/emotion from someone can be confusing. Trusting your gut is always a good thing to do, assuming you are able to connect with it. I'm doing this more and more lately and the more I do it, the better I feel.Do you notice that in your life?
Latest blog post: What Does it Mean to be Charitable?
I haven't any problem with confrontation as long as it makes sense to engage with whomever/whatever I am confronting.
My strategy is similar to Julie's. I stay calm and politely ask for what I want. If you can't give it to me I might try going over your head, but not until I have ascertained whether you can make it happen or simply refuse to do so.
I try not to make the other person feel stupid or attacked because it is the fastest way not to get what you want.
@Joshua Wilner/A Writer Writes Hi Josh. Staying calm seems to be a sound theme here. No, of course, we don't want someone to feel stupid when we hold firm to what we want. The frustrating part about that is often when you are dealing with customer service, you're talking with someone who has no power to help you. Often I will ask for a supervisor if I really feel I need to pursue the issue.
My mother used to say "you catch more bees with honey" which, when you really think about it is a strange saying because the bees MAKE the honey, but the point is still valid! :-)
I used to tend to pick my battles, but watch out when the button got pushed and the switch was turned on. Must be the Italian in me. But after many years of training in insurance negotiations I gained a lot of finesse about how to go about it. I learned that,"He who cares least, wins," by which I mean you have control of the outcome at all times. You always have control of yourself and your energy, so spend wisely. Now I am far more likely to "take a moment" if it gets heated or if someone is combative for no apparent reason right out of the gate. I would absolutely not hesitate to do what you did and stick with it until something fair occurred or I decided I was satisfied "enough." I like to be fair to both sides to the extent of my ability to actually SEE both sides :)
@Julie | A Clear Sign I like the word "finesse" Julile! Maybe we wouldn't be so quick to jump up and assert ourselves if we saw ourselves as people who operate with finesse! And what a great way to think of it - not spending your energy foolishly. Taking a moment is well advised!
Nice to hear that Lori!
I am another one who doesn't like any kind of confrontation, but at such times it's best to stand up and fight for what is right and get it right there - isn't it? Being assertive at such times is something that I am too, more so, where I can see things aren't really going the way they should and know that there is a better way of getting them done.
Yes, there is an easier option of just letting things be as they are and taking them lying down. But then, would you really be happy within by doing that? I guess not. And for those who aren't, it's best to take your stand. :)
Thanks for sharing. :)
@Harleena Singh Hi Harleena! I like how you add "taking things lying down." We DON'T want to do that! :o (I think playing dead - i.e. lying down is the third option after fight or flight!)
It takes courage to be assertive, doesn't it? Maybe we need to define the boundaries so we know what we are defending. For instance, if something someone does violates my space or boundaries, it's my responsibility to let them know and ask them to take action. Maybe the place we take our stand is within our defined boundaries.
Good for you Lori! I find that there is often a misconception for those who are looking to make loving choices that there isn't a time and a place for assertiveness. There is a difference between being firm and being aggressive and it sounds like you embraced the former beautifully!
As for me, I was like you and REALLY didn't like confrontation...but I find I am much better and if something's important to me, I stand my ground. So really the question for me is often "how important is this to me?" If it's something where I am still in the "right" but the other party doesn't budge, I usually let it go so I focus my energies on other things that are.
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo Hi Sabrina! "the question is "how important is this to me?" Yes, so you don't waste energy or time, even when it is important yet you just can't win? My mother used to say, "Choose your battles." How often do we fight hard for something that isn't important?
The funny thing about the story I told was this: when I got off the phone with the company I realized savings I had fought for were about $10.00. :o It was the principle of the thing that mattered. The two spools were mine. ;-)
@Lori Beautiful point Lori that "what's important tome" is usually not about the amount of money but rather how it resonates with you at the core level! And you were able to do so without hurting anyone in the process (well, perhaps the customer service agent's pride, but it's ok for pride to take a little beating every once in awhile in my opinion).
Hi Lori
I hate confrontation also. But when I am right I have begun to stand up for myself. When I was working my bully of a boss came in the office yelling at me and a co-worker. Threatening there would be hell to pay if the account was lost. Since I had absolutely nothing to do with it, I calmly look ed straight at her eyes and with a firm quiet voice I said, "It is not my fault." She backed off and looked away and started on the other gal that was to blame, whom by the way had followed her into the office thinking they were going to nail me and a co-worker for it. I went home that night and wrote out an account of what happened and how I would have handled the situation IF I was still in charge of the account. Sent the document to work through my email. Opened it up to make sure it was readable and placed it my emails under my name. Three days later I was laid off. Nothing to do with the situation, but there it was in my emails and I know they looked at my emails after I left. (I was back in there in 2 1/2 weeks and my emails were messed with, very easy to tell). There was great satisfaction in that!
But talking quietly when someone is yelling at you just catches them totally off balance. I have had a few challenges lately where I have had to go in and fight for my rights and the rewards have been great for doing so.
Hey, and I do give myself a little pat on the back for sticking up for myself. And it does surprise me that I am capable of being able to do it.
Mary
@Mary Stephenson That's an interesting response to a bully Mary. Speaking quietly. It must be difficult to do - what do you think @johncharlesowens ? I'm thinking this can also be called "staying in your power". I like thinking of it that way. I guess any time we let some angry person make US angry, rather than remaining calm we give our power away. Does this make sense Mary? @Sandi Amorim ?
@Lori @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim
The real truth of these situations is that the person is mad at themselves but they can not live with that, so they shift the blame unto someone else and project their anger unto that person. This is happening on a subconscious level and the person is not even a where that they are doing it in most cases. In order to withstand the on slot from such and attack, you need to be aware that the aggression is not about you this allows you to stand back and be objective in your attempts to help the person escape from the cognitive distortion that they are caught in. They most definitely are trying to take control of your mind so that they can fully achieve the blame shift in their mind.
They call this the shadow side of our egos and this shadow side is hidden from our consciousness because we can not stand to think about ourselves in a negative way . If we do very deep inner work that allows this shadow side to come into our consciousnesses we can then let it go. If you react in anger then you have two shadows boxing . You can not even tell the other person about their shadow they would not believe you even if you tried. If you have not don the deep work and seen the shadow side of your personality what I have just written sounds like non sense. I started my work by believing that I could never know what another person was thinking and as a result all my ideas about others had to really be about myself . The other person is really only a mirror to see our self. Once you start paying attention you can get to the root of the shadows and let them go, once you are free others have no effect on you, their is no shadow for their shadow to box with in you.
Did I shadow drop kick you on this one LOL
@Lori @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim
ok love you
@johncharlesowens @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim No, it's too hard to talk about this book and this topic here. I formed a book-discussion group around that book - there's a lot to what she says - a lot of validity!
@Lori @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim
We can say that in reality there is love and there is fear and fear doesn't exist but on a different level, the one where we live out most of our days, there are others aspects in play.
No I am not following you .
whatever version of yourself that is based on an idea is false weather it is so call good or bad. Being is not an idea or a thought. From what was written on her home page I get the idea that she believes the foundation that the shadow sits on is reality. But thoughts have a hierarchic y to them with the oldest ones at the foundation if you can become aware of the foundation thoughts then you can let them go it seems to me she is stopping short at a meta thought that is governing over a whole area of thoughts. Sort of like I want to be good is governing all thoughts about being good or bad each one of these thoughts sits on top of the thought that I want to be good . I want to be good generates the thought that I want to help my friend but we do not realize that the thought I want to help my friend is really only a version of I want to be good and that I want to be good is generating the thought I want to help my friend.
@johncharlesowens @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim I'm following but we're speaking slightly different languages. In Ford's book she talks about the light shadow as well - how we often don't recognize the good aspects of ourselves and project those on others as well. We can say that in reality there is love and there is fear and fear doesn't exist but on a different level, the one where we live out most of our days, there are others aspects in play.
Are you following me ;-)
@Lori @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim That is true but I am going deeper and saying that what we have denied about ourselves that we can not face that we are hiding from ourselves that we are projecting onto others is itself based in an idea a thought and this thought is a fear based thought that is always a lie .
are you following me.
@johncharlesowens @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim This is an interesting way to look at the shadow - as fa false ear-based version of reality. Debbie Ford says the shadow is the aspects of ourselves which we've denied so that you project/see that aspect clearly in others and if you understand shadow work, you will recognize that it is in you as well and can let go of the judgement.
@Lori @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim
No I have not but I have read the bible and it is all about the shadow to however its view is that the shadow is always false fear based version of reality and that we can be free from those lies and enter into the fullness of the image that we where created to be that being love and having become love we no longer need love and this need for love is at the root of all dis-function all fear all shadow.
@johncharlesowens @Mary Stephenson @Sandi Amorim I don't THINK you shadow drop kicked me, but I'm still thinking about this" I started my work by believing that I could never know what another person was thinking and as a result all my ideas about others had to really be about myself . " Interesting and it warrants more thought.
Have you read The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford? It's all about the shadow!
@Lori @johncharlesowens @Sandi Amorim Actually responding quietly but firmly to someone yelling at you stops the yelling. As now it is only one person yelling, it makes them look foolish and definitely takes the "thunder" out of them. Worked quite nicely on another boss a few years earlier. They soon shut up and backed off. It definitely diffused the situation into 2 adults talking to find a solution to the problem at hand.
@Lori @Mary Stephenson @johncharlesowens Totally makes sense. It's like a tree, deeply rooted but able to bend in the wind.
Latest blog post: Beethoven Whispers
I just remembered that when I was dating, one of the things I said I wanted in a partner was the willingness to go toe-to-toe in conversation, knowing that you could say what you had to say and love would be present no matter what.
Latest blog post: Beethoven Whispers
I find that I am assertive on others' behalf more than for myself. I improved this thanks to frequent hospital visits back in the 80's where it is a solid case of only the crying baby gets milk. One had to be a bully to get things done by the doctors, the nurses and the other staff. I also owe my assertiveness to my Mom's encouragement. Now she was always taking the initiative. Today, I am almost okay... all I have to do is think of the alternative and I am spurred into action. :-) It is tough though, at times. I remember, initially, I used to be so proud of myself when I spoke up and stood my ground. I hate any kind of disharmony and that's my problem. Another thing is - some people tend to perceive assertiveness as being aggressive and that can sometimes lead to an almost-fight. :-)
@Vidya Sury Hi Vidya! This sounds like a strong maternal instinct - being assertive on other's behalf. Funny how that happens! I like the way you say you don't like confrontation by calling it "disharmony". There is a fine distinction between being assertive and being aggressive, isn't there. I wonder how easy it would be to cross that line and not even know you had!
There are times when assertiveness might not look so pretty. My case in the story was minor - and on the phone - but I think for my daughter I'd be like the tiger in the photo. Thankfully, she is assertive (and smart) enough that I don't have to be!
That's so nice that your mother encouraged you to be assertive! You should be proud of yourself when you stand your ground. It is YOUR ground, right ;-) I felt very good about myself when I did. Hmmm.... I'm bound to attract more reasons to try my assertive muscle - yikes! I forgot how whatever I blog about seeps into my life. (Do you ever notice that happeneing to you?) Now I'm nervous LOL
@Lori Oh yes, Lori, I've noticed that. It always freaks me out how Fate always teaches me not to take things for granted. For instance I'll say that henceforth I'll blah blah blah....and promise myself I'll stick to it...and then something will happen to delay it...and I'll be forced to eat my words. :D It definitely feels good to be assertive - probably because it feels like a rush of power !
@Carmelo @Lori My Grandma always advised using nice words :D
@Carmelo @Lori i am always wary from the moment i say "i never" or "I always". Case in point = someone asked me in an interview if i replied to all comments on my blog. Secretly affronted, I said of course I do. The next thing I knew, things got delayed. Happily remedied, though - but the trend continued on and off - and even now, due to various reasonable reasons, I am still behind! Urrgh!
@Lori @Vidya Sury Oh gosh, Lori. All the time! It's never easy to tell what comes first in life. Is it cause and effect? Can the effect actually create the cause? Creation is a funny animal.
@Carmelo @Vidya Sury So you've never blogged about something Carmelo and then found yourself dealing with it in your life? I know it's supposed to go the OTHER way, but for me it's uncanny - and sometimes too much of a coincidence!!!
@Lori @Vidya Sury You two are making me laugh! (excellent points too!)
@Vidya Sury Haha, wait - since we're talking about being assertive, we're going to be tested and have to be assertive enough to stick to our guns and deal with it...Or we could eat these words! ;-)
My favourite assertiveness strategy is this:
We have a strict speed limit in our village, here in the UK. If a car is coming up behind me and obviously wants to overtake, I deliberately drive as close to the centre of the road as possible, at the speed limit, preventing him (why is it always a 'him'?) from overtaking. I watch him in my mirror as he gets angry, and when I turn off the road, I wave and smile at him. Yessss!
@LindaMHewett Augh Linda, you're playing with fire. Around here we have road rage, not very pretty. I saw a video recently where someone responded to being cut out of a lane by splashing water from abundant puddles into the open windows. When I saw that I cringed. When people are in their cars it's like they wear them as armour - like they are bolder. I wonder if there are times to just get out of the way rather than trying to hold your ground.
There's assertive and there's bullying. (and probably many levels in between!) Sometimes people fire off salvos so rapidly that you just don't have a chance. Those are the times to walk away and realize there's no point in stooping to their level.
a while back my wife drove into a grocery store parking lot, stopped to wait for a car and another car whipped past her and broke off her side-view mirror. The guy jumped out of the car and loudly proclaimed she was at fault. Ranting on and on with jibber-jabbing nonsense. He was a bully, you can't stand up to that except that you can walk away and keep your honor.
Obviously I'm not exactly on topic and that was NOT your experience, Lori, but it's a more extreme example of how confrontations can go. That said, I wonder what others have found when confronted by a mad-man and you know you've been wronged? Anyone have a good strategy for these situations besides walking away?
@Carmelo That would be an unpleasant situation Carmelo! It seems the only way to respond to a bully would be with an equally loud voice or by walking away. Which one did you do? I don't know. Sometimes the bully will back down when someone stands up to him. The loud voice may be masking insecurity or fear. Now @johncharlesowens says be love and not need love. I wonder if there is a way to loudly make your point while still being love?
@Lori @johncharlesowens I can think of many times when I've stood my ground when my upbringing told me I wasn't supposed to. And i can think of many times the other side of the confrontation simply did not agree and I "lost." We have to be willing to let go of the outcome and appreciate the strength we had in standing tall. We don't control other people, nor is that advisable.
In the case of bullies it's invariably a case of them masking their fears and insecurities. Does that really make a difference though? Whether we stand and fight or walk away is our own decision for our own reasons.
Sometimes we'll "loudly make our point" (or even use physical force) if there is a clear and immediate danger to deal with. And I believe we certainly can do that while still "being love." I cannot believe love would preclude doing what the situation called for. It just wouldn't be to prove your point or make yourself right or get even or inflict damage. It would be to mollify a dangerous situation.
After all, sometimes that bully WON'T back down no matter what. ;-)
@Lori @Carmelo
Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.
Lets say that they are in automatic mode if you remain calm they will eventually take notice usually if they are not mentally ill. A lot of men when they a scared will turn that into anger if you take a few minutes that emotion will pass and they will come back to normal . Also I believe that peace can easily overpower anger as it is much more appealing state of mind . However if their anger triggers anger in you then you are in an infinite feed back loop that will not end well. For me once I have given a space of time for the person to calm down then I will propose and action that will start moving towards a resolution in Carmelo case exchange insurance information.
We have been blame shifting since the garden why should that surprise us.
My Dad use to say the one yelling the loudest or doing all the talking usually was the guilty one.
Another bible verse imagine that LOL
@johncharlesowens @Lori LOL... oh my, John quoted a bible verse! Stop the presses!!! (do they say that anymore?)
My mom says I was born to rock the boat. I take that to mean I've been assertive from birth ;)
It's not always comfortable but I can't seem to help myself. The thought of not saying what I want to say or giving in makes me feel quite ill. Is it assertive or stubborn and determined?
Latest blog post: Beethoven Whispers
@Sandi Amorim Ahh, so Sandi! What do you do in situations like I mentioned? When confronted by someone who simply cannot back down and yet is obviously wrong? Does that make you ill or can you recognize that person's an idiot?
@Carmelo When you're clearly dealing with a crazy person you have to walk away. But there are also times when the best thing to do is take a stand, literally plant yourself and become immovable. I think the key is learning to discern in the moment what's called for.
Latest blog post: Beethoven Whispers
@Sandi Amorim Yep, I would agree. I might suggest there's a way to take that stand inside of you without any visible confrontation at all. To be able to know inside yourself that there's no purpose served in trying to tell that person he or she is wrong.
And yet, I can see having the feeling that if we don't stand up for our "rightness" we'll end up on the losing end of the stick! ha! But, our inner being might then say ... "so what!" :-)
As you say: discern what's called for in the moment.
Hi Lori
For me assertiveness is the ability to elicit empathy for ones position while having empathy for the other person. It helps when you do not have rights but are just trying to do the right thing. Lots of people use coercive power and call it assertive any time you invoke the fear of loss you have stepped out of being assertive .
@johncharlesowens So well said John! It sounds like a subtle art form! How do you manage it?
@Lori Be love don't need love LOL
@johncharlesowens @Lori John ... so right: be love and not need love. A quality that spills into everything. Be/do right and not need others to do right by you.