Dear LFI: How Do I Fill the Inner Void?

Dear Anonymous, without knowing the "hits" you have taken lately and most probably there is no need for it. We all have had those moments (and they will happen irrespective of our age) when the sum total of negativity seems so overwhelming and our life is out of balance. It is like a house who has been hit in an earthquake and is now standing slightly askew and unstable.

My advice and it has been said so well here before: write down the things and activities you appreciate and cherish and impulsively pick out one each day and consciously enjoy the experience and the good you will do for yourself. You enjoy running? Go for it! You enjoy going to the movies? Make it a memorable event and treat yourself!

Take care!

I first received this advice from a friend when my Dad died in July of 2009. I don't know exactly what Anonymous is going through but I think I have had similar feelings. My tough times included friends dying, my parents dying, and losing a job. At such times, I try to take extra care of me.

There are so many great answers here! I love it. I can only add to "Be gentle with yourself, Anonymous." You are going through a tough time, and it might be good to stop now and then and ask yourself, "What do I need right now?" Do you need to snuggle up with a blanket, do you need to call a friend, do you need to picture God loving you, do you need some exercise? Take extra care of yourself.

It's difficult to respond without knowing the nature of the major hits. There would likely be different answers if the hit was a shaky marriage versus the loss of a child in your personal life. There would also be different answers if the professional hit was being passed over for a position you thought you would get and getting fired for misconduct.

Still, in a general sense, I find that pursuing personal goals, crossing items off bucket lists, making a bunch of money doing something you live doing are all great things to do, but don't really add much meaning to life. That sounds like the issue. Getting more and doing more and seeing more and experiencing more won;t provide life with value and significance, making you feel like it all matters on a deep level.

The questions asked are important ones and am not quite sure if they have to do with the nature of the hits themselves or if they are larger questions that you are beginning to feel even as you piece your life back together again.

I think the thing that can provide the missing pieces is less getting and doing and more giving. Giving changes the way life is experienced. Without any other information to go on, I would recommend finding a cause that you can feel strongly about. Then get involved. Don't limit yourself to sending a check, patting yourself on the back and be satisfied knowing you did something good. And I'm not discounting the good sending money can do. But to feel that impassioned sense of meaning, it's best to get involved in helping people in need, feeding them, strengthening them, training them, in some way blessing them. This can be done in the context of your religious beliefs and affiliation or unrelated to religion altogether. There is no lack of options.

Crossing stuff off of a bucket list is reducing life to a series of events, Goals often obscure real happiness in the veil of achievement, spend some time with a dog, they live in the present where the real magic happens, right here right NOW (Natural Order of the World).. Oh yeah and don't underestimate the truly awesome power of disbelief. When someone brings something negative to the table don't believe them. 

I would tell your reader to stay curious, Lori. Einstein was on to something when he said that we should never lose a holy curiosity. As long as there is a burning curiosity within us, there will always be an inner void needing to be filled. The most important thing I've learned is to never stop learning and teaching myself new ways of doing normal regular every day things. Once we get caught up in the routine of life, it's quite easy to feel like somethings missing. Also, I believe having a spiritual baring fills a lot of that void too. I'm far from being religious, but I have found that having faith in something takes a load off of me thinking something is missing. It gives me assurance that whatever I'm lacking will either come along or wasn't meant for me to have. The things I believe will come along keeps me working towards whatever that may be. Faith is a very strong gift we have available to us. However, it's one of those things that I believe we must use it or lose it. I'm not saying anyone has to believe it like I believe, but I do think it's important that we exercise our "belief muscles," if you will. :)

There are a lot of good answers here. As others have said, we've all been there. It's the nature of life. What I think is most difficult is to be grateful for each experience we have - even the "bad" ones. What I do in these situations is allow myself to realize that there are cycles in life. We cycle up and down. We cycle fast and slow. There are cycles within cycles even - long term and short term.

Sometimes, just realizing this is a big advantage. Be easy on yourself. Your first paragraphs tell me that you're doing great but it just doesn't feel like it now. That happens. that's okay. I've learned that it helps me greatly to simply allow the downturn to have its day. As others have said, this too shall pass. 

Finally, and this may shorten the cycle you're in, observe yourself closely. Feel it. See it. Notice actions and reactions that you have. If it helps, think of this as a lesson. Or, if it's better for you, just think of it as an experience that a deeper part of you wants to have in order to lead you to a new experience or a new place in your life. Allow. Just allow and observe. 

I wish you well. The "answers" are inside you wanting to get out. Don't chase them, they're there with you already. 

I think we all do get this sometimes or the other. I feel that life has these moments so that we appreciate the value of what we have. This time too will pass and the only thing that will remain is the fact that you braved it out. You will probably be an inspiration to others.

When I feel lost I start a Journal. Not a long, tedious exercise but just writing my thoughts without any restrictions. In the process of writig you might get to grips with what you want, Ask yourself questions. Hard questions, like ;

Which parts of my life am I anxious about?

Which activities are a bit overwhelming?

If I had to stop one activity, which would it be and would I feel relieved or disappointed?

In the process of your writing, the missing aspect of your life might reveal itself. 

Hi there,

Maybe just relax and take things as they come. Life is serious enough without pressuring yourself more than you have to. Heck, you are in graduate school and you have done a ton of things that make you happy. Some people never even get to graduate school. I believe in hard work but not in working myself hard.

You could try 5 minutes of meditation a day. It's really hard. Trust me. It makes you forget the crappy things that are going on. Find the good stuff you have in your life and think about that.

If all else fails, do a 100 push ups. You will feel better.......

Exercise, writing and helping others have always provided a certain satisfaction that disappears when I don't include them in my life.

Sometimes when you feel like you have been cut off at the knees and even your dog doesn't like you; if you reach out and help someone else will make you feel better. It doesn't have to be 'woe is me' when you are helping others. 

Thank you for sharing!  I know that this sounds a bit corny but, sometimes when we try too hard, we don't get the results that we "expected".  Often, if we let go of the expectations and stop trying to "create" the life we "want", the answer will come to us.  The drop in your self esteem may be connected to these failures to get the expectations met.  Perhaps you have too much on your plate and the clutter doesn't allow you to see your gifts.  External happiness of family, friends and goals is necessary but can create the "super hero" syndrome in which we think we can be all things to all people, including ourselves.  That can be such a drain and cause that lack of self esteem.  Maybe by letting go for awhile and just seeing what gifts life sets before you, you can de-clutter and re-acquaint yourself with small joys that set that inner spark aflame again! 

Good luck!!

We were created in the image of God which is love. Sounds like you are suffering an identity crisis in that your identity is in things. "However, during the last couple months, both my professional life and my personal life have taken a major hit. My self-esteem has never been lower." . The world tells us that our need for love can be met by things outside ourselves.The Only problem is that if we where made to be love rather then need love, it will be impossible to find love outside ourselves. We are on a wild goose chase that will always end in a dead end. We are looking for something that does not exist outside ourselves . Feelings follow actions do a loving action and you will feel love . You could pull out a memory and it will have a feeling attached to it but if you want a new feeling then do something new not think but do . We only do what we believe to be true, believe that. We are hard wired for love so start loving somebody with no strings attached ( love does not have strings) start loving you and love others as yourself and I guaranty that your self esteem will skyrocket . The only problem is are you willing to cut the strings and become love a process that takes time and struggle. Like the Caterpillar to the Butterfly from needing love to being love they are both metamorphoses.     

Sounds to me like a spiritual crisis if I ever saw one.  The outside "stuff" all was good, until those pesky little "hits to self esteem" came along to show you that all was not well within.  When you have done your internal work, you can see that apparent negatives are just neutral things coming along to show you the way, to alert you to the lack of fulfillment within.  Your intuition is showing you, making you aware, that you have to go on a journey to discover what that sense of emptiness is all about.