This is the fourth post in the Dear LFI series where we converge here on the porch to answer specific, personal, life-issue questions posed by anonymous contributors. Will you offer your thoughts on this issue?
My life is wonderful…I love my life….it is filled with a nice mixture of love and a sense of well being and contentment as well as challenges and obstacles that encourage my growth and awareness. The one thing that I just can’t seem to work around in my life is my fears.
I have some specific fears that are nameable and tangible and, therefore, perhaps solvable. Those are not the fears that stop me. It is me scaring myself that has me most perplexed and frustrated. And, when I peel back all of the different layers in my fear library, they all point to the “ultimate” fear for me….the fear of death.
It’s become almost irrational…when I get sick, I worry about dying. When I am a passenger in a car, I worry about an accident …I would rather be the driver. I don’t like to fly…. all because of my fear of death. And while none of these irrational feelings completely stop me in my day to day activities, they do create an uneasiness that makes it difficult for me to achieve that sense of inner peace and well being that I am always seeking.
I am not a religious person but rather I consider myself a spiritual person who believes that our spiritual journey and growth come from within…not without. So I try to seek comfort and peace in meditation, which is effective but not always practical in the moment. I want to move forward in life and to enjoy it to its fullest but I sometimes feel dragged down or pulled back by my irrational fear of death.
I don’t like talking about it to anyone except to my significant other because many times, the suggested “answers” have a religious connotation and that does not work for me.
When I am scaring myself, if I am able to, going outside into nature is probably my best “therapy”. I find comfort and positive “vibrations” in nature. I think the answer for me lies somewhere in nature but I have not found a consistent or long lasting way to eliminate my fears.
And, it feels as though, as I get older, this fear gets worse….I thought I was supposed to get wiser with age!
photo credit: gfpeck
See other posts in the Dear LFI series here. Do you have a question for Dear LFI? Submit your question here!
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I was reading through the comments and I just wanted to say I agree with @Alycia Neighbours about our inner need to control everything. Whenever we lose this sense of control, it is replaced by a sense of restlessness and a fear of the unknown. As a result, this fear controls you and everything you do. I have learned that the one of the ways to regain this sense of control is to face your fear. There is nothing more empowering than being able to conquer your fears. You can start by doing the little things that frighten you and prove your fears wrong. It is the only way to prove that our fears are just illusions - just a creation of our minds to make sure we stay within our comfort zones. Challenge yourself to take one small step, then another. You will see your fears dissipate as you expand your willingness to try new things. If it is the outcome you fear, remember, there are always two ways of looking at a situation (big or small) – fear the worst or hope for the best. Choose the latter. I leave you with this quote :)
“We do not choose to be born.
We do not choose our parents,
Or our times or country of birth,
Or the circumstances of our upbringing.
We do not – most of us – choose to die
But within all this realm of choicelessness
We do choose how we shall live –
Courageously or in cowardice,
Honorably or dishonorably,
With purpose or adrift.
We decide what is important and what is trivial,
What makes us significant is what we do,
Or refuse to do.
We decide and we choose
And so we give definition to ourselves.”
--Joseph Epstein
Hey, we all go through that from time to time.
Now, I haven't read everyone's responses and if you have heard this already them maybe it's a good thing. If a lot of people tell you them same thin there might be something to it, huh?
If you worry or are afraid of dying then you are taking attention away from living.
I used to work at a firm where the owners thought it was a good idea to look back at what you have done and actually write an essay about your progress over the past year. At the time I thought it was a good idea but the more I thought about it the more I came to realize that it's better to live for today and look forward. Sure, we have to learn from our mistakes but why spend a ton of time thinking about what was?
For me, the same is true of this situation.
The more you focus on the fears you have the more it controls you and the more you spend time on it. I know it is difficult to change things so you could start with something like every time you are saddled with negative thoughts to try to think about a positive opposing side. It's good to be alive. Cherish that! It might work and hey you are now thinking about something good.......like chocolate, puppies or pasta with bolognese......yum.
Point is live in the present, live for today and enjoy your wonderful life! Cheers, whoever you are!
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@rdopping They say there are only two things that can rob us of our happiness - yesterday and tomorrow. It's not as easy to stay in the now as I wish it were, though. Especially when fears are tugging at us. It's great advice Ralph - to focus on "a positive opposing side" I know Anonymous is reading every response and will appreciate this one!
.It sounds to me like you are dealing with a very old thought primarily because it has been lost to your consciousnesses. You know that this thought is behind all these ideas but you can never get to the root idea the root belief . If I had to guess it will involve shame of some type because shame is one of the only things that can cause us to hide from ourselves and others.
You could use the truth if you knew what the thought was but you do not so the only thing that I know of that works on this type is acceptance. Not an easy thing to do but it is possible, basically what you need to do is to fully experience the fear. I would say when you become aware of the fear you are trying to get rid of it . Meditation, becoming present in nature which are good in themselves, but they are not a fix for this problem. If you can when you are at peace in nature or while meditating bring to your consciousnesses one these fears with the full intention of just siting with it, fully experiencing it, with out trying to control it, just let it be, you should find that it just passes away after only a very short time as long as do not engage with it in thought just experience it. You may have to do this several times until you are free from the fear. Their is a good chance that you may get to see the root idea this way as well, be gentle and loving with yourself like you would with a frightened child this will help uproot the fear and encourage yourself to let it go.
The other thing you need to learn how to do, is train your brain to be occupied with something positive rather then worrying. You have to occupy that part of the brain that you are using to worry with something that you want more than worrying. Being present sounds like something you like to do with that part of the brain that you are presently using for worrying , so work on being present. Now I can tell you from experience that your brain will come up with all kinds of reason why this is not feasible but the truth is that your brain will work better , faster, and smarter and if you can carry on your daily activities while worrying, which you know that you can; then you certainly can carry on your activities while being present. May seem boring at first but the peace you will be experiencing will grow over time and then it will not be an effort it will be a happy habit.
Eckhart Tolle's book the power of now is a great book on being present .
Life is about relationships and we humans have the great privilege of being conscious of our relationship with ourselves and silence is the great language of that relationship if we can accept ourselves as we are.
I hope this will help you
@johncharlesowens Are you saying (this is brilliant, I think!) that Anonymous should get into a fortified space of mind and face the fears one at a time (maybe only one per sitting) and see them for what they are to eradicate them this way? It sounds a bit like The Sedona Method where you first welcome the feeling that you want to change (accept it) , then ask yourself would you let it go, could you, and then you let it go and you repeat the process until the feeling has diminished. There is an introduction to The Sedona Method here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrT3xBoF6Wk
I am with you on the second suggestion too. My father encouraged me to pray the rosary to help me at the worst of times because, he said, your mind can't think two thoughts at once.
What would you suggest Anonymous do to deal with, at the time, a flight or just being a passenger in a car?
@Lori Hi Lori
Never heard tell of The Sedona Method but what the clip is saying is true and science is now backing up that most illness is caused by fear based thoughts. I do not necessarily agree that we we are taught by our parents to hold onto our emotions. I think that we are hard wired to our parents to be in relationship and the greatest fear a child can experience is a threat to their relationship with their parent those memories can rule over us and be very difficult or impossible to uncover as an adult.
What I am suggesting is similar,to letting go definitely but what I am suggesting is deeper then just letting go . This is passing through as a loving observer as he suggested in the clip you want to break your identity as the feeling once you are no longer the feeling you still need to love the feeling show empathy for the feeling it is loving yourself at the deepest level, for some reason this is all the feeling wanted in the first place and it just melts away never to return.
The holy ghost taught me this method and later I read about it in books written by christian mystics.
If they can deal with the fear before it will not come back in a situation.
However if for instance they still have the fear and where in a car they could use a cognitive behavioral therapy method. Be present to the fear and keep reminding it that it is irrational as evidenced by the fact that nothing bad is happened during the car drive. This will work on fears that you can put words to but it does not get to fears that may be behind or causing the fears that you can put words to .
@johncharlesowens Thanks John!
Anonymous has a message for everyone:
"I am LOVING the kindness and insight that is being shared and that I am reading each and every comment voraciously and I am filled with gratitude. I am touched by how many of the commentors really seem to "get" me without even "knowing" me...thank you!!!
@Lori That is awesome, Anonymous. It's really good to hear that you have received some benefit from everyone's contributions and caring. I wish you much happiness and confidence in your life. Reading all the responses is captivating and has helped me as well! We really appreciate your question.
Keep those good feelings! :-)
I used to have a fear. Snakes. I avoided looking at pictures of them, TV, books, anywhere I might see one. That is, until I decided to deal with it.
I sought professional help and was assessed as to whether this was a fear or a phobia. Yes! It was a phobia and I decided to deal with it and undertook a course at our local hospital. Result? I've handled a live snake, on more than one occasion and the phobia has flown!
If this 'fear' is interfering with your life, the only way is to deal with it is with the right help and support. It will stay with you all the time you let it. Is this what you want?
I imagine everyone fears death to a certain extent. It's not in our control, no-one has come back to tell us what it's like and we only have our faith or our vibrant imagination tIo help us.
If it's important for you to live your life without this abnormal fear of death, I believe you should deal with it.
@LindaMHewett Hi Linda! What's the difference between a fear and a phobia? Was the fear of snakes a phobia? I don't actually have a fear of snakes but I doubt very much that I'd pick one up! :o
@Lori So sorry to be late, this message was in my Trash and I only found it today!
A phobia is defined as interfering with your life, stopping you from doing things that others do without thinking about it. It's an 'abnormal' state of fear where your heart races, you want to run away, escape. It needs professional help as a rule but can certainly be 'cured' as mine was.
@LindaMHewett It's true. What we fear is always much worse than the reality of it. What is the acronym? "False Evidence Appearing Real?"
Latest blog post: You Will Survive
@Lori Yes they can and everyone wants to know how to do that. It'll be different for everyone. Fear can lurk around every corner, we need to develop strategies to face it, see it as a warning that there's something ahead that 's tricky to conquer. I find that fear only disappears afterwards. I also find that the fear of something is often far worse than the perceived event.
@LindaMHewett In your trash! Don't you hate when that happens!?!? So if phobias can be cured, then fears can too?
Latest blog post: You Will Survive
In looking through your fears (having many of them myself) I notice a theme. Control.When we get sick, it is beyond our control what is happening to our physical bodies. We feel somewhat betrayed by what our body is supposed to be doing.Riding in a car, you would rather be the driver. Having control over how to get to the destination.Flying? You have no control as you willingly go wherever that plane is going.Perhaps it isn't so much that you are afraid of all these things, but rather one thing.You fear the lack of control of your circumstances?This is life though and as much as we like to claim "CONTROL" we don't have it in as much as we think we do. What a scary place to be! Something comes to my mind and bear with me....In the movie "Toy Story" one of the toys, Buzz Lightyear, is convinced he can fly. That he has the ability and control to fly. His toy friends try to convince him that he is not equipped for actual flight, but he jumps for flight anyways. He ends up falling, but later proclaims his lack of flying as "falling with style."Sometimes we can't control when we are going to fall when we try to fly. Ill-equipped, unprepared or it is just life...but we can control one thing in all situations. We can choose to "fall with style" when we don't fly like we expected. Total life control is impossible with its twists, turns and plummeting falls, but we do control how we are going to react to it...putting us squarely back into the control we wanted.
@Alycia Neighbours Hi Alycia,
This theme of control makes so much sense. I hope Anonymous will fill me in as to his/her responses to these helpful suggestions and if she/he does, I will fill you all in. If we didn't want anything we wouldn't be afraid of losing anything. Can anybody live like that?
"Falling with style" is such a great way to think of it! It reminds me of a skit by Ellen Degeneres where she goes on and on about a person tripping and making it look like they just decided to jog a few steps to keep from falling AND to keep from being embarrassed. In front of strangers!!!
"Total life control is impossible with its twists, turns and plummeting falls, " Do you think the greater a person's need/desire for control, the greater their fear? Or could it go the other way, the greater a person's fear, the greater their need to control outcomes?
@Lori My thoughts are that every single one of us on this Earth have experienced a lack of control and are taught fear at a very young age. It's engrained in us by our raising that there are some things that we can't have control over and fear is our biggest motivator. Our parent(s) cook for us because they know what to do from years of experience and have control over the cooking procedure. In return, our young hands are smacked when we get too curious and we are warned that we will be burnt. As we grow older and learn to take the control ourselves in cooking, we are cautious about that heat and have to face our fear in order to have the control. The same with learning to walk, learning to ride a bike...we are constantly warned (Be careful, don't fall, don't get hurt) in the learning process to fear our lack on control.That being the base of my thought, I think the greater our need is for control of a situation in our life dictates a stronger emotional response of fear. We begin to associate the lack of fear directly with a strong self control. When we experience a lack of control beyond what is ours to control, it awakens that engrained fear.
@Alycia Neighbours Dissecting the fear - brilliant Alycia! And finding the control where you have it - using knowledge. It's funny because someone once told me that it is the most intelligent people who worry the most. but if that's true then they're okay by your advice because they would also have the intelligence/knowledge to trump those fears. Maybe it just comes down to knowing there is a way. When you're trapped in fear often it's because you feel there IS no way out.
Thanks for taking so much time to share your thoughts. I'm sure Anonymous appreciates this!
@Lori First, I would say don't look at your fear as a character flaw. Let that self blame go right out the window and forgive yourself for being deliciously, beautifully and perfectly human. Next, I would advise to rather as look at the whole situation and scream "I AM AFRAID!" to dissect the aspects and take them as little pieces. I am not afraid of being sick - I am afraid that I won't be able to complete tasks due to being ill. I am afraid that if something bad happens I won't fulfill a dream, I will let others down. I am afraid that I will try everything to get better and I will fail. Find the real source of that fear in the small brush stroke of life and see if it even plausible that you could have control over it in all your best efforts. Find what you do have control over - I have control over seeing a doctor. I have control to make healthy choices for my life. I have control to make sure people are provided for if I do die. Take back control over what is logically yours to own, let go of the rest. Don't fear the lack of control, but do everything in your power to take control of what you can. Knowledge will trump most every fear because we know the truth of the outcome.
@Alycia Neighbours Awesome explanation Alycia! What would you recommend Anonymous do?
The fear of death is probably the mother of all fears. What happens after that? Are we judged? Do we just disappear? "Half" the world tells us it's all over when we die and the other "half" says we'll be judged and either forgiven or condemned. Then there's a third "half" that is our intuition/inner being, deep self that, through feelings tells us that our souls or essences (consciousness) will reunite with our family and friends after we leave the body.
Society has colored our thinking about all this and these things can scare the life right out of us. What "half" do we buy into? Which one of these beliefs has been drummed into us all our lives? That's probably where these type fears originated.
It seems like until we come to peace with this mother of all fears we'll continue to struggle with other fears along the way. My guess? Through vigilant awareness and introspection we can tap into and live in the inner being feeling that tells us what science can't prove ... that our true identity isn't found just in our physical bodies - which simply feels much better. And this can lead to allowing fears to crumble due to lack of support.
PS Has science proven we ARE just soul-less physical bodies? I don't think so.
@Carmelo you are conscious of being conscious and science has know explanation or theory for that, some may have faith that we are only a bodie but no science.
@johncharlesowens So true, John. And all this makes things fun and interesting.
@Carmelo So many "halfs" Carmelo - it must be Friday! I vote for the third half - hands down. I can't imagine living a life that includes the loss of a loved one if you didn't believe they were still "here" and that you'd see them again. I can't even IMAGINE it!
Do you think this is the greatest fear? I think our early-childhood conditioning has introduced many fears to us, but fear itself I don't understand in that why did we accept it? Did it happen before we had the mental capacity to reject what we were seeing and likely absorbing from our primary caretakers and from society?
Do you think we can adopt some fears can later in life?
@Lori Well, I do think that it's the fear that gives birth to others. Fear of embarrassment, fear of losing control, fear of loss, fear of public speaking, etc. all seem to stem from the fear of death in that we lose ourselves or our image of what we are as we subject ourselves to scrutiny.
But, I could be wrong, I OFTEN am! :-)
I wonder about effectiveness of rejecting things we absorbed from our primary caretakers and society. Perhaps we can intellectually reject these things that cause so many fears but maybe they remain lodged in our "bones." and it would definitely seem logical that as we age and unwittingly hold on to fears we can also adopt new fears if we're not vigilant.
Lori, I'm with you! It's just more wholesome and rewarding to go with that gut feeling that there's much more to us than what we see. It's liberating too! :-) It might even lead to unconditional love - and that's juicy!
@Carmelo No you don't, it's my bad Carmelo. I do agree with you that it's not easy and there is a way. The fears are so deeply rooted, some of them, that we may not even know or remember where they originated. But yes, there is a way to get at them. Likely there are many ways!
@Lori I didn't mean to say that at all. Of course we can eradicated fears. I just meant to say it's not only a mental exercise. Gosh, I suck at writing. lol :-)
@Carmelo Yes, you seem to be in accord with what Alycia has said - it's about losing control. That makes perfect sense! Is all fear about loss - of something? Then wouldn't it follow that either we abdicate the need to own things (let go) or that we understand that we can't lose anything, not really?
I have to disagree with you that we can not eradicate the fears we absorbed early in life. I believe we can. It's what my book, The Happy Place is all about ;-) so I HAVE to believe it! :-)
The best way to overcome your fears are to confront them... Maybe you should jump out of a plane?
All I know is fear steals life, experience, accomplishment and the very best parts of you. It puts in a box, sticks you in the corner and basically stunts your progress and growth in life.
If I were you, whenever that ugly voice of fear raised it's ugly head I would drop kick it right into oblivion.
You have to be willing to fight. Be prepared to lose some battles every now again, but always come back fighting.
Nothing should own you. Never give yourself over to anything; especially the voice of fear. It's full of nothing but a bunch of diphtheria and crap.
The only things in life that have power over you are things you willingly give it to... SO DON'T ALLOW IT ANYMORE.
Just my two cents...
@Mark_Harai Hahaha Mark! "Maybe you should jump out of a plane"! That should do it! LOL This is a tough minded advice I always know I can count on you to contribute to the discussion! It reminds me of this Bob Newhard bit on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw
So what you're saying is to tackle fear, take it DOWN, deny it its apparent power over you?That's worth more than two cents. What would be your first step in taking this advice? How would you begin to approach something that feels so overwhelming?
You know what would be fun? To see if your fear dissolved just because you chose to name it, share it, and discuss it....
@BetsyKCross Hi Betsy,
I haven't figured out a way for Anonymous to interact with us here unfortunately, so we have to go with what's in the original question. I can assure you, though, that Anonymous is always reading all the comments, and, up to now, has always been greatly helped by this!
So in essence, we're all talking to one another! Have you ever named a fear and eradicated it that way?
@Lori I wrote about it her: http://bkcross.wordpress.com/2012/12/29/what-if-today-you-understood-and-used-fear/
As soon as I admit I'm scared of something I feel like I want to have fun with it. Maybe I'm a masochist at heart? LOL!
@BetsyKCross I like this in your article: "I still can’t stand those uncomfortable jitters or the analytical thoughts. But they tell me that I’m up to new, life-changing " There is something about fear that puts you in the moment, isn't there.I suppose if we put that frame around it - tell ourselves that it's something to have fun with rather than fear (because the only thing we have to fear - is fear, right?) then it's a whole different story. And we're writing the story, aren't we, every single day.
Huh. Well that's interesting that you say you are a spiritual person so let me go there. All of life's problems on the Earth plane boil down to fear. They may look like something else, but they are fear. So the question is, what program do you have running around in the background that is making you fearful of not living anymore? Is it that you're worried about being dead and meeting God and having that be a terrifying event, for some perceived mistake you made or thing you did or did not do? Or is there something else going on here that's bringing you so much anxiety?
The one thing I'm not worried about is being dead. I know at a soul level, I go on and I come back (often)...so if I screw up something major or neglect to do everything I had hoped to do, I get another chance.
I would think a lot of intensive therapy with an excellent psychologist or similar will help you root out what is at the core of all of this anxiety. Then maybe some energy work...or maybe not.
@Julie | A Clear Sign Wow Julie, this fear thing is BIG! "All of life's problems on the Earth plane boil down to fear. " On another post comment Galen said all teaching is about moving someone from fear to love. Seems we should be paying more attention to this!
Unfortunately Anonymous can't answer directly but the sense I get is that he/she feels a fear that is unnamed, all-pervasive. I could be wrong.
Like @Hajra you're suggesting a professional can help. Maybe a friend could too? Sometimes we can't fight our way out of these thoughts knots on our own. Do you help people facing these issues in your practice?
@Lori @Hajra Well it's funny but I follow my intuition and it said,"Call a professional!" I almost never say that but in this case I think it would be the best way. They are trained for a reason and this is just the kind of thing that's right up their alley. I actually don't do "energy clearing" kind of work at all...if it happens as the result of an "aha" moment that comes out of a reading, great, but I don't intentionally take on long term projects like this kind of healing.
@Julie | A Clear Sign @Hajra Hmmm... accessing some help is probably a way to take a short-cut through something like this. I do believe that some energy-shifting might help.Sometimes breaking up the energy blockages makes way for those aha moments. I know it's not that simple - or is it?
Fear is crippling. And you have to decide for yourself how much are you going to let it effect you. It depends on the extent of the fear. Is it so bad that it stops you from doing anything and is actually a barrier to any kind of progress? If yes, then I would suggest professional help. Maybe it is the shrink in me, but sometimes things need to be dealt with professionally.
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@Hajra As a psychologist Hajra, can you tell us where fear originates? We're not born with it. Are there a million places or is there just one?
I know fear can be crippling. Also, paralyzing. Seems to me, then, the antidote is movement of some positive form. What do you do when someone comes to you expressing a great deal of fear?
@Lori It depends. Sometimes it can be experiences. Sometimes it can be irrationally developed or sometimes it can be just learned - we see others getting scared of something, we get scared of it too.
There a million different reasons where and how it originates. Getting to the root of the fear is important. What caused it and then dealing with it.
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@Hajra Yes, that makes perfect sense! I think what gets in the way is the denial of the validity of the problem. If we don't take our fears seriously, we'll never get to the bottom of them.
@Lori Its like getting to the source of the problem to fix it.
Latest blog post: I don't need you
@Hajra Hmmm... getting to the root. Maybe that means that we need to stop beating ourselves up over the fear which seems irrational. It's not, right? There is a reason and if we can get to it, we can root it out. (This is what I write about in my book.) Thanks for offering this valuable information!
Hi, Anonymous/Could Be Anyone and Everyone!
I would want to know what it really is that scares you?
Is it the fear of being forgotten?
Unfinished business / regrets?
etc.?
I comfort myself with the knowledge that everything is as it should be and that since we can't beat death we can embrace moments- death being one of them.
I'd like to know if you've thought about that moment and what you think about it?
Dear A.
Fear seems to be a theme showing up in my life lately. Its another case of WYBASUIYL {What You Blog About Shows Up In Your Life] - Augh! I had just responded to a comment on another post with this question" where does fear come from?" My husband came down to breakfast saying he had watched a YouTube video on fear last night. My son Alex had no fear - and he was 23 years old. This conversation happened just yesterday; my husband and I trying to recall any time in his life when he was afraid - of anything - and coming up empty. I got my word "Fearless" from him but he did not get his fearlessness from me.
I don't question why you are afraid because I think it's like a path which lures us in, fear building on fear until the brain has become accustomed to seeing life that way. And what you focus on expands into more areas. It is also not surprising that it is getting worse with age (you thought you were supposed to get wiser) because it's an "object in motion" - moving until we stop it.
You're stopping it now.Even though this question is anonymous, it took courage for you to put it out there and see what responses (challenges?) come. It's all about to change. Now.
What I question is where fear comes from in the first place? Does anybody know?