I was feeling so under-the-weather. I am rarely sick but this flu I caught after Christmas really laid me low. By day ten I was really discouraged. All that ginger/cayenne/lemon tea I’d sipped, all the rest and all the “going with the flow” was beginning to feel pointless. I felt worse on Day ten than on day nine! I’m not a very good patient. I lack the integral ingredient: patience.
Still I was running about town, my husband chauffeuring me, doing my necessary Friday things; groceries, banking, post office, and stopped to meet a friend for coffee. My husband and our friend were having a conversation that I was slowly zoning out of as I was sinking down in exhaustion into my booth. It was then that my husband said something that pierced through my fog and caused me to take notice.
“You have to find that small piece of solid ground,” he said, “It’s there in all of us.”
The small piece of solid ground! Where was mine? I’ve been all over the place, trying to be all things to all people for so much of my life that I’d lost sight of it. I needed to find it again.
I did because I wasn’t going to extinguish the light on that day until I had. I found it in my heart, in living out the thing that gives me life; writing.
I realized that as much as I want my life to be other than what it is [ Read: not the life of a mother who lost her son and struggles with her grief ] that is the reality. As a blogger friend astutely observed in an email recently “I can’t imagine a moment going by that you don’t think of Alex.” He’s right. I can’t pretend it isn’t so. It is. I can write cheery posts to pretend I’m doing better than I am but I’m not fooling you and I’m not being true to myself when I do that. I can’t host happy parties when “happy” is so far, yet, from where I am.
As much as I want LFI to be a happy place, if I’m here I’m bound to bring us down and that’s not what I want for this porch. What do I do about that?
I gave it some hard thought and of course, ended up back at the beginning staring at my original goals. I want LFI to be a place where we gather to wrangle with the issues of life and wrestle them to the ground.
Solid ground. Ground we find together.
Where is your solid ground?
photo credit: Dan Zen
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Hi Lori, I love the concept of finding Solid Ground within ourselves. Yes, when life seems to be tossing us in many different directions, we sometimes need Terra Firma.
I understand your struggles with dealing with grief while wanting to present a sunny disposition. My grandmother, who lost both of her children, told me before she died that the worst thing that can happen to someone is to lose a child. I didn't understand what she meant until I became a mom. When my second daughter was born she was in neo-natal ICU and it looked like she wasn't going to make it. She did survive, but I got a taste of the fear of that tragedy.
When I moved to England, I truly struggled with the transition. I kept a smiling face to the outside world so no one there knew I was struggling. When I found others who struggled with the transition and we commiserated, I found they brought me down. When I was around others who thought life in England was great, they lifted me up, even though I couldn't relate to their joy.
Sometimes wearing a smiling face makes the false feeling of joy seem a little more true.
(((Hugs and Love)))
Hi @Lori ...I remember somewhere in one of your beautiful posts you stated that you wanted to get through your loss organically...that you didn't want to rely on self help books or try to follow some recipe for 7 or 10 or 12 steps or phases or miracles. I was so moved by that declaration. And, you know what? You have walked the walk and you've maintained your organic journey. And today's post is organically refreshing and, as you said, true to yourself. I may not be able to visit the porch on the day of each lovely posting but, I will tell you something. One of my favorite moments of the week is when I can finally sit without a task list looming in front of me, a cup of hot aromatic coffee by my side and catch up on Life, For Instance. The loving community that you nurture is here because you share and bare yourself openly and lovingly. It allows each one of us to express ourselves openly and lovingly in return. I think when we sit on your welcoming porch, we become each others solid ground...if only for a short while, we can feel safe and know that we are not judged. What a lovely piece of solid ground you have provided. I hope that we can give the same ( or at the very least, a sense of it) in return.
xoxox
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS Hi Claud! I can picture you sitting with your aromatic coffee (what a writer you are - you make me see and smell and feel this) catching up on the conversations on the porch! "I think when we sit on your welcoming porch, we become each others solid ground..." - really! How wonderful if this is so! Because if it is, we are truly creating community here!
Yes, you recall correctly. I'm stubborn if anything at all and I have to do things my way. To date I haven't read anything and still don't want to. How could anyone map out this path but me and my life? This group of people who pop up on the post have helped me so much to stay true to this desire. I don't even want to imagine where I would be without this porch and the amazing and generous people (such as you) who come by.
THIS is a piece of solid ground. How amazing if this is so! Thanks for this!
Lori
Latest blog post: The Liminal Life of a Blogger
Oh boy, it's funny you ask this. I have been facing a lot of sadness myself these days. Although I haven't experienced the loss you have, I've been struggling with a lot of my own issues and some past (and recent) trauma and sadness lately.
Funny thing is, I have been asking myself this same EXACT question while wiping away tears at my desk job that I absolutely hate. Where is my grounding? Where is my base? Where can I find emotional soundness in?
I've decided that I want to start attending church again. My logical left brain struggles to accept some of the teachings, but I need that back in my life. I want God back in my life. I NEED God back in my life. I hope I can shut up the logical part of my brain out when I enter into church. I need that to be my center and I need my faith restored.
Through my own blog, I've struggled to maintain an upbeat, or at least humorous, outlook. But I've learned that what matters is honesty and telling your story. Don't be afraid to put your grief out there. And I hope that you can find your solid ground. And I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
Hi! Your idea of finding solid ground through your faith is a good one. I remember when I went away from home for the first time - to go to university. My father said that no matter what was happening in my life, I could always find solace in the church. It was true. I remember many Sunday mornings when I couldn't wait to get there.
Good luck with quieting your logical left brain. The energy in the church alone makes it worth a regular visit. All the best!
Latest blog post: The Red Pill, the Blue Pill - or the Yellow One?
I would much rather you be honest and share your grief with us than to pretend all is well all the time. We are not perfect and our lives are not perfect. I can't imagine what you've been through but I do know I don't want to go through the loss of a child myself.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You have an important story to tell. Giving you a virtual hug.
@sdekins Thanks Susan,
It's hard to see these things from the outside. All I can see (and assume you see) is what I feel and I hate to be a Debbie Downer.
I guess I will write what I'm thinking/feeling or else fold up and go home. It's all I've got right now. There are Guest posts and the Life of a Blogger Series (you should submit your story!) and I do have a fun post I may run later this month. We'll see. Thanks for your support and your kind words!
And for the virtual hug!
Latest blog post: The Red Pill, the Blue Pill - or the Yellow One?
@Lori @sdekins You are FAR from being a Debbie Downer!
Hi Lori,
It is very very hard to forget someone whom you lost whom you loved so much and whom you saw growing in front of your eyes.. I don't think we mind that you write about him if it helps you to overcome or atleast reduce grief. After all what friends are for?
I think my solid ground too is my wife and my parents who have been always there with me. They have helped me in every stage of life .
Please don't stop writing good things or even sad things. It help to keep things in perspective and help us to connect more.
@blogaks Thanks Asnvini! I just didn't want to chase everyone away from the personification of grief (how I see myself too much these days). I want to talk about life and as I said from the start, I guess I can't run away from this huge part of it.
Your family is your solid ground. That's nice! I can feel the strength in it!
Latest blog post: The Red Pill, the Blue Pill - or the Yellow One?
Hi Lori,
You said "I can’t pretend it isn’t so. It is." For me, that about sums it up. And that's my solid ground. it's the non-judgmental acceptance of whatever is, whatever is going on, whatever I'm experiencing.
It leads me to ponder the notion that we should be seeking something. It leads me to question whether we should be solving things. It makes me doubt the need to answer the conundrums of life. Why struggle against them? Why DO we feel the need to do these things?
So, personally, when I am in that state of hurt, unknowing and/or confusion, I step back and realize that I'm never going to master these things because no one ever has. All I can do is accept, experience, and allow the moment to envelop me and enrich me in whatever way it wants to. I can then move on without external expectations or any contrived "duty" someone else (or my false self) lays on me.
And it brings me peace. Nothing else is needed.
Thanks for being you and for sharing exactly where you are even if you're baffled at times. It's all perfect. :-)
@Carmelo " I'm never going to master these things because no one ever has." Then why on earth am I trying? "Why struggle against them? Why DO we feel the need to do these things?" I think I hate feeling so powerless, so unhappy. I feel as if I've aged so many years since August 17th, and getting the photo taken for my driver's license today didn't dispel that feeling.
Acceptance is the only way out, isn't it. As long as you don't use it as a WAY out. That and a good hot bath. That's all I've got. We shall see.
Good to see you back Carmelo!
Latest blog post: The Red Pill, the Blue Pill - or the Yellow One?
@Lori In a way, a hot bath is the very essence of acceptance. You're right, it's not about escaping (Calgon, take me away!) At first blush, we might see it as such. Just as we may see surrender as weakness.
Neither surrender nor acceptance is weak. Try seeing them as powerful. Instead of struggling to control ourselves or the situation, what if we understood that the greatest power we can exert is that of allowing, accepting and surrendering.
We don't want "out." We want through. Row the boat gently down the stream.
Thank you, Lori. It's good to be here. :-)
@Carmelo "Neither surrender nor acceptance is weak. Try seeing them as powerful." I like this suggestion Carmelo! I'm going to have to chew on it a while! :-)
Latest blog post: The Red Pill, the Blue Pill - or the Yellow One?
That's a tough one @Lori I am glad you are not kidding yourself with respect to your feeling about your life. To me, that shows progress and stability. You are grounded just by knowing that, right?
For me, I think it's my wife, Janine. She always brings me around when I am on shaky ground. Right or wrong we rely on each other for support. To me, that's a ton of solid ground.
Latest blog post: QOTW 2013: Week 6: If you have all the answers you don’t know the question.
@rdopping Hi Ralph! This is so nice. It reminds me of the poem I linked to when talking to Stacey - wait while I find it:http://daysofaprilspring.blogspot.ca/2011/11/my-quiet-place.html My husband does ground me too, as evidenced by his wisdom in saying what he said about the small solid space within. Nothing wrong with that!
Latest blog post: The Red Pill, the Blue Pill - or the Yellow One?
Solid ground or fog and muddy waters? I loved what @galenpearl said: "Chogyam Trungpa taught that the heart of a warrior (a spiritual warrior) is the gentle heart of sadness, with a limitless compassion that holds all the truth of being alive. Joy is born of that gentle heart of sadness." I wholeheartedly agree with this, my kinesiologist says that sadness is one of the five emotions that will bring you empathy or connecting.
Wise words from your husband and I really like the personal touch in your post, I can see you running around in town doing your errands, still feeling weak from your flu (and probably heartily sick of all that healthy concoctions, you need comfort food, my friend!) and relaxing in that booth of the coffee shop with your friend and husband. Nice storytelling!
My solid ground? Writing my diary, this is some kind of reflecting actions and turning them into meaningful gifts, cooking meditation (conscious cooking for me is sheer meditation) and the third will come (physical exercise) when the time is ripe for it.
Latest blog post: YOUR TURN! Lori’s Winter Tabbouleh!
@Late_Bloomers Hi Barbara! I like this - writing in your diary, making gifts, cooking-as-a-meditation (!!!) and physical exercise. I think from what everyone is saying that comes down to mindfulness - knowing that if I do this I will feel solid again. I know this feeling comes to me each time I revisit LFI to write or to get into the conversation.
Mindfulness. Do you think the awareness of the power in the exercises we do? I think that's it - knowing that you CAN get back to solid ground. Feeling lost is the worst part, isn't it?
Latest blog post: The Red Pill, the Blue Pill - or the Yellow One?
Hi Lori,
I am not big on platitudes but sometimes I think we have to walk through muddy waters to find solid ground or to recognize where it exists for us.
@Joshua Wilner/A Writer Writes Good point Josh! How else would we find it or recognize it's value for us?
I understand what you mean about wanting your blog to be a "happy place," and not a place that brings people "down." But the only real joy, I think, is joy that embraces the whole of life, including devastating tragedy. True joy comes only from truth, and the truth is that joy is sometimes flooded with grief or sadness. Chogyam Trungpa taught that the heart of a warrior (a spiritual warrior) is the gentle heart of sadness, with a limitless compassion that holds all the truth of being alive. Joy is born of that gentle heart of sadness.
Your blog is "real," in the way that Dr. Alice Chan describes in the comment below. Your being real, even if that "real" is painful, gives others courage and permission to be real, to lean towards the truth. Joy comes from connection, even connection through sorrow. Anything other than being real blocks connection.
Your truth is that your life changed forever when Alex died. I have no doubt that if you could make your life different in that way, you would in a heartbeat. And all who love you would do that for you if they could. Solid ground will likely come and go, expand and contract. As time goes on, it will come more often and be more vast. But knowing how to find it, for you through writing, will give you some sense of regaining your footing in the world that you live in now.
For me, I find my solid ground in meditation, prayer, and even martial arts. Odd for me to say that since so much of my life is and has been about words. Yet my most solid ground seems to be wordless. Go figure.
Blessings to you this day and every day.
@galenpearl Ah Galen, such wisdom in your words! "the only real joy, I think, is joy that embraces the whole of life, including devastating tragedy." and "Joy comes from connection, " and " the heart of a warrior (a spiritual warrior) is the gentle heart of sadness, with a limitless compassion that holds all the truth of being alive. " (am I just repeating what you said!?!)
You're right - I would change my life back to the way it was before August 17th in a heartbeat. Sigh!
It is interesting, considering how much beautiful wisdom you have to share via your words, that your solid ground is wordless.
Which martial arts do you practice? I've been fascinated by tai chi but have never found the time to take a class.
@Lori I practiced taekwondo for several years and got my black belt about a year ago. Then last summer I became a beginner again and started practicing kung fu and tai chi. I am so loving the tai chi. I hope you get a chance to take some classes in it.
@galenpearl Wow - a black belt! Maybe some day I'll get to tai chi. My sister took many classes and showed me some of the moves. I don't feel as if I have energy for that right now. But it's nice to have on my Someday List!
Lori, way to honor being real. If you're still grieving, that's what's real for you, and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. And, I'd much rather sit on a porch that's authentic than one that's artificially positive. To your question of how we find solid ground. It starts with doing what you're doing--being real. If we can't honor and be with our emotions, whatever state we pretend to be in is anything but solid. So, thank you for being real and authentic, Lori!
@DrAliceChan Hi Alice, I never thought about it that way. "finding solid ground starts with being real." Do you ever wish your "real" were something other than what it is? Acceptance has never been one of my long suits. But it is what it is I guess.
Is this how you find your solid ground?
@Lori Hi Lori, I see being real as being honest with myself about how I feel, which wasn't something I was willing to do until about a year ago--it's still a bit of a challenge sometimes. As for finding solid ground, I'm not sure what that really mean or what that'd do for me... I do know how to connect to my center and listen to my higher self through my spiritual practice. Otherwise, I've learned that the less I try to ignore or push away what's going on in my life that isn't pleasant, the less resistance I create for myself, which, in turn, generates the turbulence of the opposing forces of what I want vs. what I resist that knocks me around. That's the opposite of being on solid ground, I suppose.
@Sandi Amorim @DrAliceChan Thought you might say that!
:o Okay, okay. I know. Enough talk, right! Cya!
@Lori @DrAliceChan Ha! Methinks not ;)
Latest blog post: Find Your Own Light
@Sandi Amorim @DrAliceChan I love Byron Katie. I wouldn't argue with her! LOL
Is it still considered solitude when you're on Pinterest? :o
@Lori @DrAliceChan Ha! In my experience, surrender is rarely easy! You ask, "Do you ever wish your "real" were something other than what it is?" Yes, often but resisting is futile, as they say. Being with is creates space for what may be. Or as Byron Katie puts it, argue with reality and you lose!
Latest blog post: Find Your Own Light
@DrAliceChan That makes a lot of sense - just noticing that non-resistance means NOT being knocked around by what you resist. Sometimes I find it helps me to have an adversary - in this case, resistance to what is. It may work for me. That and what @Sandi Amorim said about surrendering to solitude. Surrender and acceptance. Seems it should be easy - but it's NOT! ;-)
LFI isn't about being happy, it's about living, and your grief and sadness are as valid on this porch as any other emotion. Your emotions connect us as human beings, and isn't that why we're here on the porch?
My solid ground is solitude and connection, which may seem contradictory at first, but I am happier and more connected when I've spent time alone. I don't question it anymore, but instead look for ways to surrender to it.
Thank you dear Lori for sharing all of your emotions. That more than anything keeps me coming back for more. xoS
Latest blog post: Find Your Own Light
@Sandi Amorim "That more than anything keeps me coming back for more." I guess I had that backwards. :o
I admire and perhaps envy your relationship with solitude. You inspire me to work on mine Sandi! "...look for ways to surrender to it." Thanks!
@Lori My relationship with solitude has definitely developed in the past few years. It used to scare me a bit, mostly because I didn't understand it. Can't say that I fully understand it now, LOL, but it's a relationship that nourishes me.
And isn't it the case that the thing we're most afraid of is where the breakthrough lies?
Latest blog post: Find Your Own Light
@Lori Oh my friend, I wish it for you as well. Truly, nothing heals and nourishes me like silence. Writing has become a close second, but it's not yet as reliable as silence and solitude.
Latest blog post: Find Your Own Light
@Sandi Amorim Drat! It IS! I don't know if I have enough energy for a breakthrough right now ;-) But I'm slowly being wooed by solitude. I have a beautiful, peaceful room in my home where this can work for me. I love the outdoors for that feeling - especially on a starry winter night. But it's too cold right now so this room will have to do. Thanks for "nudging" me Sandi, though I know you don't do it deliberately. I want what you have!
Finding solid ground.... ah yes, this is something that I've learned I needed to do. That should be the first order of business with every day. Find that solid ground that you will go to durinng the day when things start to get out of hand and shaky. Reading this post was a good reminder that I need to stay focused on doing just this:-)
Good idea Suzie - find it at the start of each new day. I bet meditation would help with that, or just a reminder of where your small piece of solid ground is and then moving out from that!
I would have quickly said my mind is my solid ground. Today, though, I am a little shaky. I always bounce back up quickly...the past week has been not so good, as you know. Also this week, I feel even more melancholy as it will be three years since my Mother passed away on Feb 8, 2010.
I hope you are feeling better - I know I asked you, but I don't remember if you answered. Sending you huge hugs and love. I still fondly remember the day I first visited your blog. :-) So glad we are connected.
@Vidya Sury Hi Vidz,
I am feeling better today, marginally! Maybe your accident was less of an accident than permission to take care of yourself right now, especially as the anniversary of your Mom's passing approaches. Sending you hugs and good energy Vidya! You'll find that solid ground has become less shaky soon.
I was worried Lori as I began (mid-way) through reading your post...but then I realized where it was going - and you're right -
WE ARE HERE TOGETHER on the PORCH! for the good, bad, happy & sad. SOLID ground is not just the when things are good. Heck , it's easy to find solid ground then - it's in abundance. It's imperative and key to KNOW and find solid ground when you're standing in quick sand...and it may only be a small rock on which you jump but stand strong, and we will gather around and support you!
That is what family and friends do...
my solid ground is taking a step back, and literally (sometimes with pen & paper) writing down ALL the good LEFT in my life - - of which I am then reminded, there is LOTS!!
@StaceyMJCouturier Hi Stacey, Counting your blessings is a great way to find that small solid space. It's funny fast we can draw ourselves out of a fog by doing this. It's too easy to forget that.
I remember reading a poem years ago - I found it here: http://daysofaprilspring.blogspot.ca/2011/11/my-quiet-place.html This discussion makes me think of it, but it can't be a person - our solid steady ground. It has to be within us, right?
I think it SHOULD Be in us, but I do believe that there may be times when we do lean on others for that solid place. Sometimes we so need the support that even if we find that small rock to stand on, we're so weak, that we can't balance on the rock.
Lori, I thought about it and I don't have a good answer. It's that part of me that picks me up from crying on the closet floor in the moment of true disaster and heartbreak? The part that says,"Get up. You're not done yet," and I obey it? Not sure who or what that is. Just know it's there and it always has been.
@Julie | A Clear Sign You're got a small TOUGH space in you Julie! :-) I love how the voices of your Guides are down-to-earth and matter of factual.Nice to have friends like that! Sometimes we have to hit the ground to find our solid place on it.
Hi Lori,
I'm new to the blog, and didn't know about your son. My heart is with you.
For me, the solid place is knowing that I am my Soul and my Soul is me. It took me 61 years of living to connect the dots. We are souls inhabiting bodies, and whenever I stray too far from my soul's desires, I get sick. I view illness now as a friendly signpost. Mostly it's waving a big red flag saying, Slow Down! Enjoy the process of living! It can be close to impossible to embrace all of life, but there's comfort waiting when we do.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your struggles. We all benefit from knowing that everyone is in a rocky, leaky boat sometimes. Pushing the metaphor beyond it's natural limits(!), LFI is a reliable and sustaining life vest. Strap it on, share your story, and love life in all its complexity!
Hugs,
Carole
@Carole Remy Hi Carole,
We are souls having a human experience. How often we forget that! It does put things into perspective and inspire us to find our purpose and live that out well.
I think we all need a life vest at times, maybe we just need to float along, not expecting too much but drifting over to a safe shore - remembering who we are, does bring comfort. The best comfort - life is just a minute. We may as well make the most of it!
Do you know what your soul's desire is Carole?
@Lori Drifting on a floating current is how Taoism describes life in the flow. It's a mental state, and doesn't imply that we aren't active, just that we are accepting and calm and supported.
My soul's desire is for experience, which is pretty convenient, since EVERYTHING is an experience! It doesn't matter whether I'm helping in animal welfare or writing erotic romance, it's all good. When I am in the moment, fully experiencing whatever I'm experiencing, I feel connected with my soul. When I fall out of the moment, anticipating the future or reliving the past, then the disconnect manifests, mostly for me with physical symptoms. It's ironic - as soon as I realize that the discomfort is also an experience, I'm back reconnected with my soul!
Thank you for starting this discussion, Lori. Writing brings me clarity, and your questions nudge my thoughts.
Carole
PS BTW, I'm totally in the flow writing this, and feel as if you are too. I hope you have an easy, breezy day of connection!
@Carole Remy That's so cool Carole! - Experience! You Rock Girl!
I'm not very good with the "drifting" part - I'm more often the one at the oars! But I'm learning to flow.
As i write it's snowing softly - the flakes dancing around, up and down. I'm trying to come into rhythm with that, flowing softly.