When Alex died I intuitively knew I had to go through this grieving process organically, in my own way. I didn’t want to read books about the phases of grief or talk to other mothers who had lost a child. I didn’t want to know what what was ahead of me. But I learned that it was dangerous for me to drift without a rudder. I needed to manage my grief.
At first, the shock and grief were so overwhelming that “managing my grief” meant not being alone. Of course at first there were always people around but after the wake and funeral were over, friends and family returned to their busy lives. The alone time was the most difficult time. So I would make a plan to have a visit with a friend, a sister, or a niece. I would make a plan to give me something to look forward to; some small reason to get out of bed in the morning.
I recognized the need to manage my grief very early on, while my daughter was still at home with us. Together we addressed some of the excruciating task of dealing with Alex’s affairs and we decided to follow up a “crappy” task with a “happy” one. For example, we would plan a small shopping trip to follow a visit to the lawyer. “Crappy and Happy” became our modus operandi.
Although it’s been over six months since Alex died, managing my grief is still a necessity. Today it takes different forms.
It takes the form of small projects like making crocheted hearts for the wall-hanging in the kitchen. (See photo.) It takes the form of clutter-clearing and creating peaceful rooms in my home. It takes the form of getting together with friends both in real life and here on the porch. It takes the form of a walk in nature. I manage my grief today by deliberately including in my day small things which make me feel good.
I remind myself that I will survive and choose to survive with grace even as I reach for acceptance that is still beyond my grasp. I find my small piece of solid ground. I ask for and wait for signs.
How do you manage grief? Do you find direction in books, solace in activities? What has helped you most?
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I cry.
When my grandmother passed at 102, I cried. All that's left from my dad's family of 5 brothers and one sister is the youngest of the group, my Uncle Tommy.
I cried when I put my pets down (1 dog, 2 cats) at the beginning of last year.
Sometimes it's not particularly pretty, but it is a cleansing process for me I suppose. I don't know why I ended up being the sensitive one in the family, but for some reason I seem to be the 'one.'
After that I seem to compartmentalize pretty well. Someday that house of cards may come tumbling down, but it helps me keep things in their proper place so I can live my life with a clear, forward vision.
@bdorman264 Crying is my favourite fall-back-on method of grief management Bill. It's necessary and though you feel spent afterwards, you no longer feel (at least for the moment) so heavy.
That's great that you are able to compartmentalize. Usually I am very good at this but not when it comes to grief. My house of cards is very flimsy. I'm glad it works for you. (Now you've got me wanting to make card houses!)
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We all manage in our own way, even though grief itself is universal. What you are doing seems so gentle and self loving to me. In the past, I handled grief mainly through denial and repression. I can tell you that that was not a very healthy approach, and I don't recommend it. I've now learned what you know already. Doing whatever helps us move with and through the grief is better than fighting it or denying it. I do find solace in spiritual practices of prayer, reading wisdom literature, meditation, being with close friends or being in solitude, being in nature, and being physically active to the extent I feel up to it. You seem to have a deep self awareness and intuitive knowledge about what you need. And hopefully, you feel all the love and caring coming your way in person and online. Blessings.
@galenpearl Hi Galen! It sounds as if you have lot of experience with grief :-( and that you've learned a lot. Your suggestions for managing grief seem to cover all the bases and I believe that's what we have to do. One small measure isn't enough. And I believe the mistake is to assume that enough time has passed that we can let up on the management of grief. But no matter, life will remind you that it's not time to do that yet.
I have not been one to rely on my intuition, or even to hear it very well - until now. I learned through my determination to stick to my guns and do it my way that there was a very simple way to hear my intuition and that was to pay attention to what I wanted to do and say no to what I didn't want to do. Thank you for your support Galen. It means a lot to me.
a HEARTFELT HEALING H-U-G to u lori n others who grieve the loss of a loved one ESP a child......my hale n hearty 18 yr old son 'passed on' without any notice due to a cardiac arrest in june 2007....everything came to a STANDSTILL for me....it was as if nothing existed after that....as if the heart was beating but yet! felt suffocated n totally NUMB....didn't want or acknowledge anyone around me...just sat on a sofa for months together n did nothing except go to the temple in our balcony which he had with SO MUCH LOVE built n used to pray there....had kept a small photo of his there n used to talk to him n GOD.........one day staring at his picture i asked him 'rahil your name means 'THE ONE WHO SHOWS THE WAY' so please tell me how do i carry on without u?'........n i FELT as if a STRONG ENERGY is telling me 'mom it is my GAIN n if it is my gain can it be your loss?'........i was STUNNED by that answer n thought it was my imagination....couldn't function at all n couldn't even find a release in tears as the tears wouldn't come.....it felt as if my WHOLE BEING was PARALYSED.....as if my heart was in the deep freeze....did not hear the words anyone uttered n was oblivious of the family n people around me......didn't feel hungry or thirsty for days n was fed by my cousin or sister.........it felt as if a HEAVY BOULDER was placed on my heart.........many times a day i used to go to the temple in the house n used to sit for ong periods looking for answers....once again urging my son to answer me i asked him to HELP me n AGAIN A POWERFUL WAVE OF ENERGY by way of a THOUGHT swept over me n said 'see a PART of me in others n eventually u will SEE THE WHOLE of me'............n i started doing JUST THAT...................began to SEE him in every person i came across n u KNOW WHAT it made me THAW...........started opening up n talking to people who initially i had ignored or neglected not on purpose but it just so happened that GRIEF did this to me.................little children used to come up to say 'hello' n i started befriending them n making COLD COFFEE for them n exchanging notes.........started going down the market road to the book stores n picking up books on the topic of 'death' n the 'afterlife'......they DID OFFER me a LOT of COMFORT n SOLACE............ESP a book by neale donald walsch 'HOME WITH GOD IN A LIFETIME THAT NEVER ENDS'.....n many many others too.....the CHICKEN SOUP series for the GRIEVING SOULS....'THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE' by nan umrigar......used to sleep with a picture of my son's held CLOSE to my HEART n STILL DO to this day......insisted on my ALONE TIME as i knew that ultimately would have to deal with it alone.....FEEL my BELOVED son's LOVING PRESENCE so many times...i understand that his journey of this lifetime is over..........he GRACED our LIVES to teach us so many WONDERFUL THINGS n when his agenda of this lifetime was completed he exited ONLY to ENTER ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL REALM......TO BE NESTLED IN GOD'S COMFORTING ARMS TO RECHARGE.....RE-ENERGIZE...RE-PLAN his next LIFETIME......LIFE is a CONTINUUM..............from GOD he came n to HIM he returned.........i shall ALWAYS REMAIN his mother n he my child..............there are times when i really YEARN for him n it becomes unbearable but then i tell myself that his life wasn't only about being my son.......his SOUL had his own AGENDAS n he has GRADUATED so why grudge him that??????????....................when kids go out of town or country to study n return HOME how ECSTATIC both parents n they are..........LIKEWISE our DEPARTED LOVED ONE'S JOYS KNOW NO BOUNDS when they TOUCH BASE with S-O-U-R-C-E..........can our CREATOR our FATHER have anything bad or sad planned out for them??????????.................it's MERGING with THE SUPREME....if we as parents LOVE our kids OH! SO MUCH can we even BEGIN to imagine how MUCH MUCh MORE our CREATOR LOVES us???????????/............................i WAIT for the day i 'pass on' n get to E-M-B-R-A-C-E my dear dear child.......my BELIEF tells me it will happen......i have a RENDEZVOUS with my son n GOD won't deny me my wish............until then i have to LIVE so might as well AT LEAST TRY to DO that WELL.........for the sake of my other son....my husband n myself............THE ESSENCE of my PRECIOUS rahil remains........nobody can STEAL his MEMORIES n they ADD FUEL to my life....................guys i URGE u to MOVE FORWARD gradually at your own pace....no rush here......death is not the 'end' its another BEAUTIFUL BEGINNING.....CELEBRATE having had them in your lives n REMEMBER they have just changed ENERGY........they EXIST in ANOTHER REALM..........HEALING. LOVE....LIGHT....COMFORT my folks......see them in whomsoEVER u come across n it MAY make LIFE t----h----a-----t much easier.............last but NOT the LEAST......my experience is that the times of HAPPINESS will always be underlined with sorrow n some pain but take that as a GIVEN..........learn to LIVE n MARCH ONWARDS with that n its OKAY....................GOD BLESS............
@rita singh Rita,
I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered of your precious son Rahil. Thank you for sharing your story and the beautiful though excruciating process you have gone through this far. Your closeness to Rahil and him to you, the messages he gives you when you ask, the guidance which brought you out of paralysis, all so encouraging.
I hope you are reading what others are saying here too. There is a lot of wisdom here on the porch today.
Marching onward. What else can you do? You have another son, and a husband. So much to live for and be grateful for. I can't imagine going through a loss like this alone. We're both very blessed in that.
And welcome to Life, for instance! I hope you hang out on the porch often! <3
Again, Lori, I couldn't imagine losing a grown child with whom you've shared years of memories. I lost a baby years ago, and it was one of the hardest things I had gone through in my life. As for your question about managing grief, the best advice I was given many years ago when going through a divorce that was useful was to "schedule" my time to fall apart, so that I could continue to function, even if minimally at first. Don't think any book or expert advice, no matter how great, could truly shorten the grief or alleviate the pain when we're still in the eye of the storm. This may not be helpful, Lori, but doing what you're doing--grieving organically--is the best for you. Thank you for opening your heart to share this in-process experience.
@DrAliceChan Alice, you lost a child! I can only imagine (and don't like to) what that was like. We were afraid we would lose Alex when he was born as he had a need for surgery before he was a month old. I knew the fear of losing a baby but not the reality of it. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Scheduling time to fall apart - did that work for you? Everyone is so different. I learned so well that I could never assume to tell someone what to do. There isn't one way - there are so many.
You're right - while in the eye of the storm nothing really works except crying. Sometimes crying is the only thing that does feel good. At least it's authentic, real.
Like anything else we do in life, we do our best, right? What else can we do?
My only response is that I, in times of intense grief, want to rejoice and recount the many hilarious and amazing and poignant times of the deceased with someone else who understands and "knows" what I am talking about...
I have felt that this is such a positive energy outpouring and healing construct for all. I tend to shy away from the pomp and circumstance of "traditional funerals" and "grieving." It is hard to explain. I feel my brother's presence in a positive way- he was always the "peacekeeper" in the family, so I think I celebrate his life in this realm by the the things that would make him laugh the most. Now, don't get me wrong, when I got the call about his death, the feeling of powerlessness was overwhelming and I was not near ANY of the family at the time. So I was sobbing and extremely emotional, but this is not "bad." Once that passed and I felt his warmth and energy, it was easy to go to the positive feelings and the positive experiences had with him. Wow- haven't thought through it such detail in awhile- it is amazing what perspective I have after so long a time has passed...he died in September 2003.
My love and light are with you Lori!
@angel on a path He Angela. Sorry for bringing this all back for you! Our daughter was far away when we got the news and it took her 24 hours to get the flights home. It was horrible to have her so far away and to give her the news over the phone.
I am going to lighten the topic up around here as of the next post - I promise!
Yes, talking about him was so important. I had to bring up his name whenever I could. I had a horrible fear that he would be forgotten and that thought was unbearable. Plus he was always on my mind so many things reminded me of him, and still do.
You celebrate his life with humour. That's so nice that you feel his warmth and energy. I'm sure he is always with you Angela.
Lori, I wish I had some insightful comment to add, but I don't. All I can express is my gratitude for your sharing your journey through grief. You are providing an example for many others. Jon
@ThinDifference Hi Jon! I'm glad you have nothing to add because I'm hoping it means you haven't had to deal with grief in a big way yet. I try to imagine a life without grief and I can because I remember what it was like before. The question is; what will it be like after?
But I'm stubborn and I know that, or at least I believe, it's so important to do it in your own way. At a time like that there is very little else within your control. Hey look - I said "like that" - past tense. I am moving forward and every single word from kind people like you helps to push me one more step down the path, for which I am grateful.
Is it okay if I've forgotten whether or no I've welcomed you to Life, for instance and welcome you again? I enjoyed your report recently on Wisdom 2.0!You should submit your blogging story to The Life of a Blogger series Jon! (http://lifeforinstance.com/category/the-life-of-a-blogger/)
@Lori Thanks, Lori, for your thoughtfulness. I appreciated your comment on my Wisdom 2.0 post, and I will definitely take a look at adding to the Life of a Blogger. Thank you. Jon
Writing, exercise, time with friends and time are all part of how I have dealt with pain of loss. I hate the expression "it is a process" but it really is.
@Joshua Wilner/A Writer Writes Yeah Josh, I hated that expression too. It implies a long long road and who wants to think of their present state of grief extending for a long time?
Thanks for adding "exercise". When we move remember we're still alive and that somehow we will survive. I remember in the first day or so being amazed that I could move and being very aware of my movements as if even they were surreal.
I know you've endured a lot of loss in your life Josh. I appreciate your chiming in here.
Grief is such a hard emotion to navigate. I am a pretty emotional person and, as such, I tend to wear my emotions "on my sleeve" as the saying goes. When I am overcome with emotion as in dealing with grief, tears are my immediate and strongest companion. For me, it seems to have a cleansing effect to just let myself cry and not suppress it. That said, the grief that I have experienced has been real and powerful but it is not the grief that one must experience when one loses a child. Whenever I am overcome with any emotion (grief, sadness, even happiness) I have this very strong internal urge to go outside and breathe fresh air deeply and just walk. Sometimes, when circumstances are such that I can't go outside and walk, I just close my eyes and imagine myself walking and walking and walking until I feel more calm. I have so much respect for the elegant way that you have journeyed through your grief. I think the experience of grief is an evolving experience and in that, creates waves of emotion and waves of calm.
Thank you @Lori for a profound post!
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS Claudia, I love the words you use, navigate, tears your immediate and strongest companion. Imagining that you are walking and walking...waves of emotion and waves of calm...
You have such a beautiful way with words!
It's not easy Lori,
Yet, I guess we all learn to manage the grief,though it takes times. I remember the time after I lost my Mom and how things were. There wasn't a moment when I wouldn't miss her and everything around the house just had her presence. Even if we try to keep ourselves busy doing things, the thoughts don't leave us and sooner or later they keep coming back - the good and bad - all of them. But yes, it does help if you have a kind of an outlet, which for you Lori I feel is this blog where you share your feelings with all of us. We are all here for you - always. I never had anyone that time as I wasn't blogging, but I picked up a full time job that kept me busy, though when I was back home those memories would return.
Gradually, with time, they lessened and just the good ones remained. She turned to become my guardian angel as I so often say. And I feel her presence and her guiding me so-so many times, especially the times when I am troubled or in a fix. So, those who leave us, don't really leave us. They remain...we just need to feel them. :)
@Harleena Singh Hi Harleena! I know what you mean - they are constantly on our minds. There is no help for that! You said you learned to manage your grief over time. Apart from taking a full time job, what did you do? It may be hard to remember now (please tell me it's hard to remember!)
I'm so glad she's your guardian angel now <3
@Lori - The job kept me pretty busy, and other than that it was prayers and meditation that helped me overcome the loss, but yes - it took time. :)
@Lori Got it :) Back to you too :)
@Harleena Singh I'm sending you a hug Harleena!
Hi Lori,
I thought about you last night as I was falling asleep and received this message. You don't need to look for signs of your son. He is a being of energy and vibrates at an unimaginably high frequency. Energy is always drawn to like energy. When you are low, it is hard for him to approach you. When you feel a tiny moment of joy, he's there like a rocket. Keep looking for those brief glimpses of equanimity, and you will sense him sharing your peace. In time, you will feel his presence surrounding you like a warm hug all the time.
My own experience of grief was chaotic and perhaps less than wise. From a perspective of 32 years, I can say that it was transformative, though I'd still swap 'awakened' for having my Dad alive in a heartbeat. That said, I respect that his death was about him and not about me. Lately I've sensed that he has been literally reborn, and is a gurgling, jolly baby somewhere in the world.
Huge hugs,
Carole
@Carole Remy Carole, I just have to say that your message for @Lori is so beautiful and you put into words so beautifully what I was also sensing about our loved ones souls being in a space of complete peace and that their desire is that we experience the same as often as possible.
@Lori I completely understand however the humanity in not always being able to experience the peace or even necessarily your highest vibration, and I love that you recognize that Alex is with you even then.
I'm so fortunate to not have lost anyone close to me as an adult yet, so I am countering potential future grief by being as present and grateful as I can with those I love until that time comes when we're not here physically together.
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo @Carole Remy It's like having a foot each in two different worlds. We know they are at peace; yet we miss them. We know they are near; yet we can't see them and we long for that. The most we can do is trust that all is well and we will see them again.
You are fortunate to not have lost anyone close to you yet. :-) I have no regrets about Alex. I loved him all I could and he knew it well.
@Sabrina at MyMiBoSo @Lori Thanks Sabrina. I know what you mean about practicing love every day. My beloved dog is getting elderly, and I cherish each moment. It's more than just having no regrets later. It's about experiencing the depth of devotion you can feel even more strongly at the brink. Hugs to you both, Carole
@Carole Remy Hi Carole! Thank you for the message you received for me! I have always felt that way - that I needed to keep my vibration high so that I could see him, feel him. I have experienced this but I believe Alex can transcend that obstacle because I hear him, even when I'm low. Yesterday, for instance, I was out going for a walk and I paused as my husband went back to the house for something. I realized I was standing near tree where the swing hangs in the summer. I remembered how much time we spent on that swing last summer, crying, talking, consoling. And I heard, "I'm here Mum." from behind me. I know he's always around and I love how creative he is able to be in letting me know. Am I imagining these things? I don't care if I am. ;-)
I so totally get what you mean when you say you'd "swap 'awakened' for having my Dad alive in a heartbeat". And I appreciate "his death was about him and not about me".
What would be your biggest piece of advice out of your 32 year-experience , chaotic that it may have been, for managing grief ? What would you recommend?
@Lori @Carole Remy HI Lori.
You are most likely not imagining hearing Alex say (telepathically) :
"I'm here Mum", or "I'm well and OK".
This is what our loved ones (in spirit) strongly want to communicate to us. But it's so very difficult this communication barrier between dimensions, for many reasons.
It's like trying to send an e-mail without a computer and internet connection. The keyword is connection.
In the spirit world (so called) the main form of communication is via mind -to-mind (telepathic) connection.
In this world, some people in a close, intimate and loving relationship develop this telepathic connection with each other that can transcend the boundaries of time and space.
There are many accounts of communication between this world and other dimensions of existence.
The key message from loved ones is: "I'm OK and well. I have interesting, wonderful and inspiring activities and relationships to engage and focus on through love and service to others. I'm discovering my inner nature and it's potential and the inner nature of this state and 'world' I exist in. It is really my normal and natural state of being.
Others help me to adjust to this 'new environment' and I have many guides and mentors to help me with my renewed aspirations- just as you do on Earth and in Spirit.
So what I deeply want to say to you Mum if I could is that:
"I am not dead! I am very much alive and full of life. I am well and settling and adjusting to my 'new' state of being and others are helping me including your mother.
I want you to know that I love and miss you, just like you do me. For you were a good mother to me, helping and guiding me to be the person I am now.
I love my family and friends I know on Earth.
I very much hope you can rediscover joy again after so much intense sorrow - as this affects me. For I feel your sorrow also, and it makes me feel low in spirit but I understand and know that you love me and I feel loved and valued.
I know that you will not cease to forget or love me, and I will never cease to love and remember you and all my dear family and friends who helped me to be what I am now.
If I could hug you I would but that is not possible for now, and If I was able to manifest a physical form it might just scare the living daylights out of you. So I continue to hug you with my energy body. Do you feel my presence? I know you do at times when you are at peace within and more relaxed with the flow of life.
I have met so many wonderful and interesting 'people', and some are my 'Soul Family in Spirit'. We are all family and that is why family is the foundation of human and spiritual progression through relationships of love, care, sharing, valuing and experiencing in difficult and also joyous celebrations of life.
Now I realise that we are all connected as one great and wonderful diverse Soul Family of Creator and Creation.
So let us love and laugh out loud and be of good cheer until we meet again soon.
@Paul Sanyasi Thank you for this Paul. It means a lot to me. I feel as if you are speaking from a world of experience. Are you a medium?
And for what it's worth, from my perspective his presence is real, perhaps even more real, when I'm upset or feeling low than it is when I'm flowing. You'd have to know Alex to understand how this could be. It has something to do with the way he was always here when I needed him, and it has to do with his creativity and problem-solving skill which are second to none. I understand vibration and all that, but he was "in my ear" from the moment we got the news, reassuring me that he was here and he was okay.
I so appreciate your presence on the porch Paul <3
I know that I can't control grief. That much I've learned. So, I simply enjoy it. If I need to walk away from people to have a good cry, so be it. It comes when it comes and has needs of its own that I don't try to understand. Sometimes I do have to tell it to wait a bit, that I'll be back later. And I always come back.
I did notice the other day that sometimes I dwell on memories on purpose so that I can feel SOMETHING, anything rather than nothing. I can feel so numb with the complexities that life is that I use grief to help me feel grounded to what's real. Does that make sense?
@BetsyKCross No, we can't control grief, but maybe we can keep it from becoming overwhelming by having a strategy to deal with it. Grief is one of the toughest things to deal with in life. We can't let this monster loose without putting a collar on it.
Having a good cry is a practical way to deal with the emotions building in us. My sister suggested I cry to lower the level of pain. It works. There is a reason we refer to it as a "good" cry.
You dwell on memories to feel something? It makes sense to me, though I have the opposite in my life now. The memories are right there, always just a blink away and if I let myself dwell too much on them... Grief does slow you down - maybe that's what you mean Betsy? It grounds you in the moment.
@Lori @BetsyKCross I just submitted the comment above, and then read your response to Betsy, Lori. When you cry hard, you let go for a moment of the need to control life (and death). It's a moment of pure emotion, and a time when you match your angel son's high vibration. It brings you together, and that feels good. Perhaps right now this is your path, to connect in a flood of tears. Water cleanses, and tears are healing, salty water. Hug, Carole
I *love* that you felt the nudge to manage grief; some people avoid and bury it and it wreaks havoc on body, mind, and soul. That is what I did for a while. Until my body revolted. I learned to allow the feelings to arise, and to simply vest presence to them; the natural cycle means they will eventually pass. I also learned to vest heavily in self-care and sacred space during that time. I took daily walks at ocean's edge at sunset, to get fresh air, and also because that is where I meet Source and could comfortably process as I received reflections of beauty, power, expansiveness. And, I made sure to "plug into" only that which was enlivening and enriching to me--food, people, activities. Ultimately, processing grief changed my life, deepening my trust and faith and leading me to now.
I *love* this "I choose to survive with grace"...powerful and empowering. And your front porch is a lovely place to be...thank you!
@JoyChristin Wow Joy - you are such an inspiration! You allowed the feelings to rise knowing they would pass. (A good cry helps in that department - cry and carry on.) Walking with Source on the beach - I got the feeling of that from your comment on the last post! Choosing who to spend time with...sacred spaces...you both managed and flowed through this process and came out the better for it. Everything leads to now but - oh - the journey, the journey!
What would be your one most important piece of advice for someone dealing with grief? Can you put it in a nutshell (I so love nutshells ;-)
@Lori Nutshell: allow it and integrate it--nothing to release, because then its kind of a "judgment" on self--simply feel it and when in the moments it feels "right", create and connect with it and through it...integrating it into self and "using it for good" in your creations (because when we create from and with grief, it inspires others as the process of creating "heals" us). And remember it's okay to celebrate a moment; its not a "dishonor" to that which we have lost, its *a tribute to the love* we shared...Allow, integrate, create, celebrate (with tears and laughter).
@JoyChristin Thanks for this. Allow and integrate. <3