This post is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Johnstone, my dear brother-in-law who passed away March 9, 2013. I won’t say may he rest in peace because Kevin never rested in this life so I doubt that he is resting very much in the next. He lived life to the fullest right up to his final hours. All I can say is: I’m going to miss you Kevin! Family gatherings are never going to be the same without you.
When I told my online friend Barbara, half a world away, that Kevin had died she wrote, “Were we closer to each other I’d rush over to take you for a walk and a memorial fire for Kevin. Maybe we can have a virtual fire?” I wish we were closer Barbara.
I love the idea of having a memorial fire as it so contrasts the virtual world in which we spend so much of our time today. We have a foot in both the online and the offline worlds and both worlds must be addressed when someone dies. It’s still so new to us that I don’t think we fully appreciate the ramifications of it.
Years ago my mother gave me a small piece of paper with “important info” written on it; instructions for what to do when she died. My “important info” consists of an envelope filled with instructions. It contains not only information regarding insurance and bank accounts but links to social media sites to which I belong, web site passwords, auto ship orders to cancel, and so much more.
There are other things to consider. If you are a blogger, have you written your “last” post or are you leaving it to someone else to announce your departure from this life? Offline there are funerals where we obtain some form of closure but what is there online and what should there be? How will we gather to grieve when we lose someone in our online communities?
Even when we are not the person who is handling the affairs, the funeral doesn’t signify the end of our responsibilities to the person we have lost. This person is one of our “Contacts”. At some point, sadly, it comes down to us to delete them. That’s not an easy thing to do.
What are your thoughts on dealing with death in the online world? Does your “important info” envelope include all that needs to be addressed when you leave this life?
photo: Kevin at the top of a ski hill.
I’ll be away from the porch for a few days attending a wake, a funeral, and, yes, a memorial fire. Help yourself to cookies and beverages and keep the conversation going while I’m away.
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Dear Lori, my thoughts are with you as you are now at Kevin's wake. What a lovely picture your sister has chosen, I imagine him standing on the top of a mountain ready to sky downhill and fully enjoying the ride, celebrating his life as you are remembering him now!
I love all the stories shared in the comments, I know that my mother has left some letters as to how she wants us to organise her funeral and I will certainly make certain to fulfill her directives. Strange how we shy away from talking about death in our western world as if we could deny its existence.
My last post? I have never thought about it, I am happy when I manage to post on a regular basis. I have a list (seven pages) of my passwords and I trust my daughter will close down my accounts. Or maybe I should really write a "last" post, should I? Not yet, I plan to stay around a little bit but who knows?
Lori, may I bring some rosemary to burn in the memorial fire, in spite of bitter cold temperatures I have started to cut down my herbs and rosemary has such a cleansing effect, besides a beautiful fragrance, I will burn some in memory of Kevin. My thoughts and love to you, your family, and especially to your sister and her two daughters.
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Hi Lori,
A warm embrace for you in this difficult time. I hope you and your family find comfort in getting together to celebrate Kevin's life.
I'm reminded of a couple of stories. I worked once with an elderly woman who when she turned 97 asked me to help her write her obituary. She was a feisty lady, and didn't want anybody else to write it and forget something important. At first it felt creepy, but pretty soon we began to laugh, and we had a really good time putting together the story of her life. A few months later she died, and sure enough, there were our words in the newspaper. It made me remember what fun we had writing it.
The other story is from 2007, when I was hospitalized for two months, in the beginning critically ill. My daughter took over everything about my life, paying bills, selling my house, finding someone to take care of my dog, moving my belongings from Connecticut to Tennessee, everything! I feel so blessed to have someone (two someones with both my daughters) who calmly and competently can settle whatever comes up.
Last very brief comment is that when my mother suddenly lapsed into a coma, we didn't have a power of attorney. She had the money to pay for her care, but we couldn't access it! For that reason, I've given my daughters a blanket power of attorney.
Online, I'll just leave instructions for someone to post a brief note that I've moved on to angel status! I would hate for anyone to think that I'd just dropped them.
Hugs,
Carole
My condolences Lori:) Words seem to fail at times like these. But I do believe that celebrating the person's life, spirit and soul is the tack I'd want people to take. I like @JudyDunn 's comment: and yours @Lori , about always keeping the conversation going. I'm finding the words and spirit of Valerie Harper, as she's facing death, to be particularly enlightening, full of promise and full of perspective. She takes a true circle of life approach. Words are such cold comfort at times like these, but know that we are thinking of you and holding you in thought and prayer. Kaarina
@KDillabough @JudyDunn @Lori Kaarina, I just want to second your comment about celebrating the life, spirit and soul, and Lori, I too am keeping you in my heart!
Hi Lori
I am so sorry to hear about your brother in-law. He looked like he lived life to the fullest. Having gone through some questionable lows in my brother and brother in-laws health lately, it gives one a hard look at our own mortality.
My parents were fairly organized with their passing but it wasn't a surprise when they did pass. We had a few days of clean up, but they had given quite a bit away and had designated a few things to different ones, but most we just were okay with everything.
We have a living trust and the first thing in it is $10,000 to the taking care of our cats (whatever ones we have at the time) and that they remain as indoor only cats and be allowed to live out their natural lives. Everything else goes to our daughter and if she is not around it will go to our granddaughter and if she is not around it will go equally to our remaining siblings. After that who cares, maybe as time goes along we will amend it.
Never thought about a good bye online, but maybe I should. But for the rest of it we are going to donate our body parts, hopefully it will bring life to someone else. Then I tell my husband have chocolate (dark) and get out my cards (have designed greeting cards) and have a good laugh and party.
A big hug and much love.
Mary
@Mary Stephenson It sounds like you do have a lot arranged offline Mary! Good for you. As @JudyDunn and I were saying (and she coined a new term) preparing a posthumous post won't be easy. Scroll down to see some of the ideas she and I had. What would yours look like? Can this even reasonably be done? I don't know. It bears more thinking.
@Lori @JudyDunn I don't know, I think maybe keeping with the same thoughts. Give your cat a hug for me today (if you have one, or a dog, or a kid would do). Eat some fine chocolate today and raise that piece to the sky as you would in raising your glass for a toast. Have a few good laughs and a little white wine if you choose. But no tears please, as we will meet again. Love you all.
Oh @Lori I am so sorry about the passing of your brother-in-law. I, too, am moved by the thought of a memorial fire in honor of Kevin...what a lovely idea. I am sending love and warm thoughts your way.
I think that I have shared my discomfort with death...the end. The finality of it overwhelms me. For that reason, other than making clear some of the more pressing wishes, I have not at all thought about what to do about my online "presence". After reading the wonderful comments from your loving community, I realize that I am SO not organized about this. I have nothing thought out, written out, tucked away or shared. This makes me a little panicky after reading this but, strangely, not of a mind to do anything about it yet. I just don't like giving death life.
Sending you much love,
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS I guess I introduced a topic we all want to have our heads in the sand about. No one wants to think about death. As I said earlier to @Vidya Sury , the last time I did all this thinking and squared it away in that fat envelope I felt so GOOD afterwards. I'm going for that feeling again.
I am not looking forward to the wake and funeral. I want to remember Kevin laughing. He had such a great sense of humour. I WILL remember him laughing. We get to hold the memories we want, right?
I love how you say it Claud, "I don't like giving death life". I don't either, but I also don't want to make it any harder for the ones I leave behind. I know how hard it is when no preparations have been made as, of course, none were made for Alex. If I can lift even one small burden - that of taking care of some of the affairs - or of at least knowing where to go to find things , I will. It may not be pleasant to do, but so what?
Thanks for your warm thoughts. I'll think of you, of all of your wonderful friends, as I toss my sage onto the fire.
So sorry to hear this, @Lori Somehow he looks so familiar.
"Delete" in this instance is such a scary and awful word. A "Contact" becomes the basis of our interaction, bringing us closer and closer. Thanks to technology, the digital world is just as fulfilling as the offline world - I consider both very real.
Years ago, the thought occurred to me - what would happen if I suddenly ceased to exist? Back then it wasn't as big a concern as it is today. My community is bigger and I feel more responsible to the stronger connections. So yes, I do have a plan.
May I hold your hand in mine? Hugs. With you in spirit.
@Vidya Sury Thank you Vidya - you may hold my hand in yours. You have a plan - awesome! Will you share a list - have you blogged about it? Someone should. I intend to include all things both online and off but there is so much to think about. Maybe if I shadow mySELF for a month and write capture all the places I go and bills I pay I'll cover it all. How did you come up with your plan?
@Lori I thought about it a lot after my Mom unexpectedly passed away. Still, she had always told us that her wish was to donate her body to a medical college and though we had not made any arrangements at all (who expected that day to come?) somehow - the way things flowed on the day she passed away, everything worked out exactly as she wished. Someone close to me just materialized at the hospital, made the phone calls and everything was set. I am ever so grateful for that. In the days that followed, I went through such a temporary mental feeling, you know? A feeling of nothing is permanent. I worried about what if I just passed away, what would happen to all that I had accumulated? Because it is a fact that I am the collector at home. The first thing I did was make a list of things that went into running our home/lives. The three of us (we always talk about four - my Mom is omnipresent, cheering us on) sat down, discussed the list and shared duties. We also decided to start decluttering. Less is more was never more important. Sometimes the process is slow, sometimes fast - but we're getting ahead with simplifying.
Simplifying is the key - both online and offline. :-) I've never worried about blog stats and all that other stuff - I just blog for fun. I know that what I have, what I care for will continue to be cared for.
I doubt if I'll blog about it. :-) But now that you mentioned it, it will be on my mind.
All I want is for those I know, to think of me and smile happily. That is all. I'd also like to be able to give everything I own before I go, to those who need it. :-)
@Lori Heheehe. Fact is, Lori - I feel a lot lighter knowing that all of us at home have a pretty good idea what is going on. Those lists, ah - my best friends! :-) My son grew up suddenly after my Ma passed away and over the next six months turned into a responsible person, more conscious about things - you know? So - all is well. It is not a downer topic :D rather - there's relief even after doing a small thing. Hugs!
@Vidya Sury Sorry about making you think about it. It's a downer topic, I know. But I remember the time I first gathered the info. After I had it all together I felt SO GOOD! I'm hoping for that feeling again this time.
You are wise to do the decluttering. I think that will be a job for the spring/summer of 2013. It needs to be done! We moved here nearly seven years ago and I know there are still unpacked boxes in the garage! Yikes!
I am so sorry for your loss, Lori. May the memorial fire burn brightly and be a way to honor Kevin's life.
You know, I was taken aback at my mom's instructions on what to do upon my parents' death. She wrote an 11-page letter and told us what drawer it was in so we could retrieve it. Overkill, to say the least. Right down to turning off the utitlities and getting that deposit back that they paid the electric company back in 1943! (She was a frugal woman.) I can now laugh about it, but at the time I was speechless.
But the other thoughtful things my parents did were very appreciated. They had prepaid for the cemetery plots and funerals, so no financial burden for us kids. Even down to the flowers, thank-you notes and newspaper obituary notices. Pretty amazing.
I don't think we do enough planning and thinking on this subject, probably because it isn't exactly something we are looking forward to. : )
My deepest condolences to you, Lori.
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@JudyDunn Thank you for your condolences Judy. Wow - your mother was amazing! I can only aspire to such a level of organization, but aspire I will! I hate the feeling of being disorganized and I know how discombobulated one can be while grieving and how difficult it is to do the thing that need to be done. I'm going to raise the bar - er- you just did that for me - and organize as many details as I can. Thanks.
Are you writing your "last" post or will you let someone else do it? Would it be an "If you're reading this, I've already passed over to the other side..." type of post? Yikes! I haven't given it a lot of thought but it's on my list - near the bottom - but there.
@Lori The problem with writing a "posthumous post" (hey, I just made up a new term...maybe it will catch on) is that you would have to be constantly updating it to reflect what you want your VERY LAST thoughts to be? This is getting complicated. Maybe a simple poem would do:
You are here
I am not
Celebrate me
With a shot.
I know, it's kind of irreverent. : )
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@JudyDunn And yes - you did just coin a new term! Sounds like a great post idea for you! ;-)
@JudyDunn That's true. It would be hard to make it current yet generic, time-wise. I do like your irreverent one - go with that one! It doesn't suit me. I'd have to do more like:
I've crossed over!
I'll see you "soon"
It's been a blast!
Keep the conversation going!
:o This may take more thought...
I'm sorry to hear of your brother in laws passing and I thank you for sharing it here. I met Sandi Amorim online before I ever met her in person, and my life would not be the same were she to die. It's important to share. I hadn't thought of a list..passwords and such. A great idea. Thank you for that. I'll take care of that. and in the meantime, may you and your family have the time you need to grieve the loss of someone so dear to you.
@LolaSpeaking Thank you Lola! It's a heavy time for our family.
There is so much to think about, isn't there? You don't realize until you do it for someone else. This is a big TO Do on my list for this year - right after income taxes :o What plans have you made for those who will tend to your affairs? Are you a blogger? Have you written your last post?
@Lori There is so much to think about. I am a blogger. 3 different blogs. My last post? Gosh, I hadn't even thought about it. Oh that's frightening to think about. Gives me chills. I promise to do that tho. For all 3. I haven't made any plans for anyone to tend to my affairs, but you've just made me realize it's time to do so.
@LolaSpeaking Those are things nobody likes to think about but I figure the more thinking I do about them now, the less thinking some grief-stricken (yeah - I'll be missed, right!?) person will have to do later ;-)
I love what you shared about your brother-in-law and the phrase rest in peace. Too often I think, we use those tired old sayings because we don't know what else to say. I also like the idea of a memorial fire. That will definitely go into my envelope, which truthfully, I'd never thought of before.
A couple of years ago a friend died and her son decided to keep her Facebook account 'live.' Seemed weird to me at first, but now it's kind of comforting. Every once in a while I'll see her photo and look back at her life and smile. It's odd this virtual world; take comfort where you find it.
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@Sandi Amorim Yes, I like the idea of having a memorial fire too!
The husband of a friend of mine who passed away a year ago still maintains her page. And I haven't gotten all of Alex's stuff off yet - like Google+ and it is oddly comforting to see where he gave our TCP page a +1.
Have you made any plans pertaining to your blog for the people who will be taking care of your affairs?
@Lori I'm about to turn 50 and perhaps I 'should' be thinking of these things, but I'm not. I'm thinking of my dreams and adventures till to be had, and wondering how I'm going to pay for all I want to do ;)
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@Sandi Amorim :o Sorry about that - I couldn't resist! But I don't blame you at all, not when you're about to turn 50. Celebrate, drink, or drink and prepare - whatever works. Did you see what @judydunn 's mom did for them? Amazing and thoughtful. Sorry - did I just tighten the screws? I'm bad today.
@Lori How annoying when I get nailed by my own coaching ;)
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@Sandi Amorim I hear you Sandi. No one likes to think of this. I'm thinking about it though because I don't want to leave a virtual mess behind! Never mind the physical clutter that needs to go! (Can anybody say Garage Sale!!??)
But wait! Wouldn't preparing this stuff kindof be "leaning into discomfort"? ;-)