Dear LFI: Why Am I So Afraid of Being Alone?
This is the sixth post in the Dear LFI series where we converge here on the porch to answer specific, personal, life-issue questions posed by anonymous contributors. Will you offer your thoughts on this issue?
I recently ended yet another relationship. This time it was just short of a year instead of three. I guess I am realizing things quicker, but my goal is to reduce this to like right away.
Although I had been emotionally manipulated and yelled at and had my things thrown at me I still had a very hard time leaving this person.
No matter how much of my time and attention I gave him it was never enough. Towards the end, he was calling me for every little problem and decision throughout his day and talking about how much bad luck he had. I would try to help in any way that I could as his doctor, therapist, mom, and cheerleader. It was exhausting. If I didn’t answer him immediately he would be accusatory about how I was spending my time. If I was not in communication in a regular way he would accuse me of cheating on him. Or he would get mad at me if I wanted to take some time to myself. He would twist my words around and accuse me of not caring about him and not wanting to help him.
I was constantly walking on eggshells wondering when the next attack or argument would begin and where I would end up defending myself. Sometimes he would twist things around so much that I would start to doubt myself and half the times not even remember what we were fighting about in the first place.
He didn’t look after my needs and I didn’t even have time to take care of my own. The sad thing is that if he had been nice to me I probably would have kept catering to him and putting myself second
I am trying to understand why I put up with so much, what is it that I so desperately need from this person. Why am I am willing to go this far? A few answers have arisen, the need for love, the need to avoid conflict and the one that seems a likely possibility… I am scared of not finding anyone that needs me enough not to leave me. So therein lies the question, why am I so afraid of being alone?
photo credit: gfpeck